“And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:30‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Life has a funny way of working, and to be honest, I think it works best if we are open to it. William and I have had a lot of conversations in the last few days, that I truly never thought we would have, and just this morning, I asked him if he was letting Spirit guide him, or if because things are doable, he follows his head. He answered that he has a tendency to follow his head, but he is now open, willing, and able to follow Spirit too.

Spirit can be construed as intuition, or the greater force of Holy Spirit. I think you can be guided by Spirit and have intuition, they can work independently, or in conjunction . Often, intuition is a gateway to Spirit and vice versa, Spirit speaks to you through intuition. If you have thoughts or questions on this, let me know!

Anyhow, William and I are moving to a new place in our relationship, because he is moving to a new place within himself. I honestly always hoped he would get where is now, but 23 years worth of him not, made me finally give up hope. And that is when things started changing, but that really is for another day, another clean page. The point is, when we change the way we think, operate and maneuver life, so many other things change in conjunction. These same things may have been en route to change anyhow, but perhaps the path would be completely different.

Because of his change, this affords us change, and also, I am changing too. I would have said I was resuming being me, but that isn’t 100% accurate…I AM resuming being me, but I have changed as well, so best to clarify that. One thing I am changing, is getting out of my house more. I have almost become a shut in, avoiding all things external, unpleasant, annoying, and unwanted.

Normally, if I have to run errands, especially Walmart, I always see the same two women I know in the parking lot. I don’t know them well enough to say hello, but I know them, and always see one or both of them. This is a sign for me, and until today, I did not know what that was telling me. I am still processing all the information of it, but they are two fiercely independent women that love their families, make their own way in life, and make joy in their lives, literally, they make things. One is divorced, one is married, I went to school with their kids. I think I want to be them in a lot of ways, when I grow up. I will hold this to me and keep letting it unravel to show me.

I also went to Sam’s this morning and I saw SO MANY PEOPLE that I know, but they probably don’t know or remember me, as our meetings were limited, and we are acquainted through mutual friends. There was a common theme with these people, they were all not favored with some of my friends, and really liked by others, but nothing in between. I know the reasons why for each, and they appear like valid reasons for my friends, on both sides. I stepped back, and just saw them as other patrons, people I know, no judgments or thoughts about these people. And that lead me to a place I have been struggling with, but am no longer.

People are simply people, they are good, bad, and indifferent. I have known this and felt this way for a very long time, but because of my personal situation, I lost sight of just accepting someone in my life the same way. I was so negatively impacted by one person, and all he was attached to, that it caused everything for me to become skewed, in a negative way. Despite that, I kept a positive outlook on life, but I isolated myself more and more, in part so as to not spread the toxicity of my life, but also so people wouldn’t see the toxicity of my life. I have worked very hard at containing the spread, and all I had to do was stay away from more negative people, not people altogether…

So those people I saw today(except the Walmart ladies)? All extremely negative, toxins to some of my friends, but also super kind to my other friends…basically, we don’t need to associate with all people, and if we do and it isn’t good, we can move on…or we can accept that people change and that might possibly be better than we ever thought it could be, for them, and maybe even for us.

Have you been having any revelations lately? Anyone having a major life change, and it is affecting you? Are you going through a major life change? I would love to know what is happening in your world, drop me a line and let me know!

Do you remember when I recently asked you if you, or people you know, we’re going through big transitions? And remember how I told you my whole family had been transitioning too, in individual and collective ways? We are moving like the speed of light with some transitions, or so they feel like anyhow. In reality, they have taken a long time to happen, but once it started, it has been lightning, warp speed ahead!

I am not a person that likes to hold grudges, hold on to the past, or hold people imprisoned in their mistakes, that only does bad things for both of us. No, I am one of those people that wants you to make good choices, to get it sooner than later, and for you to learn from your mistakes, or from the mistakes of those before you. I like change and transformation, and I truly love to see people being their best, people winning at life, or people getting what they have worked so hard for! I am and have been a big proponent of making life as good as possible. However, not all people are that way, but I think I cheer hardest and push those people even more to reach their personal greatness.

So many people I know are having a veil lifted from their eyes, which is absolutely amazing. This is such a massive energy shift, and if you are making big leaps in many ways, good for you my friend, good for you! I have been growing, seeing where I had and have needed to make major changes in my life, where I needed to let some people go, but to also lean more on those that could, and would stand with me, in my turbulent life.

I have some more things to sort through, and honestly, I think July will be a great month for all of us! I am looking to break some habits, start some new ones, and continue on a path of releasing that which does not serve me. Drop me a line, let me know if you have struggled with something that you are ready to release, or something new and challenging that you are looking to take on. I would love to know!

One of the projects I have had on my list is to purge our bedroom closet, and then to reorganize it. William has been super busy with work travel lately, and so we decided it would be a low key weekend…so when we were putting clean bed linens away, it presented itself as the perfect time to do the closet. Just ask him, he will agree, although he asked me what happened to laidback and low key day. Lol.

We got rid of some clothes, several pairs of William’s shoes, and we opened up some space for what we do have. The flow of the closet is much better, we have things sorted better, seasonally even, and some of us had to be honest about some things we didn’t want to part with. Not me, but some of us.

Anyhow, between dealing with the closet, doing laundry, and just hanging out, it has been a great day. I will report on that this week, as some new things are in the hopper for me and William!

As my cousin EJ says, “STC”, everything is Subject To Change.

Clearly Saturdays are for lots of things, of which writing blog posts are not really one of them.

I did take this picture of Avery and CoCo…

Hope your Saturday was as good as theirs!

So, in case you were wondering. The lesson yielded these thoughts:

• Never love someone more than you love yourself, otherwise you will lose yourself
• Never accept terrible behavior from another, no matter what the reasoning is
• Always know who supports, loves and cares for you, these people are indispensable
• Focus on your life. YOUR LIFE. When you give too much to others, you have zero left
• Remember that no one gets out of life unscathed, and even if you try to eliminate that, or rule it out, your children will still find fault with you, even though you chose the best you could

Some things that I would not compromise during this lesson:

• Children are innocent, and should be protected in all manners, that may require the biggest sacrifice from you
• Forgiving people and giving them many chances is on you, not them
• Each day is a new day, don’t carry yesterday’s burden in to today, always start fresh
• We suffer the effects of what we do not change, but if something makes it an impossibility to change the externals, we accept that and make the most of it
• Keeping my faith/belief in God-ultimately, even in those times of absence

There were so many things beyond my control, and I did the best I could. I truly get that I may have chosen wrong according to some, or I could have chosen better. I chose the ways I did with my kids in mind first, their safety, their happiness and eventual unhappiness, their trauma or baggage potential, and selfishly, because I didn’t want to lose them in any way to the darkness that one family possesses. I did not want them to become their dad. I tried to protect him too. Save him. Help him.

I did so much for the ones I love, that I lost myself, and I sacrificed myself, to the point I am at now. I have nothing left for me. It truly seems that there is nothing for me. This leaves me confused, sad, and angry. I am patiently waiting on what is next, and maybe I am rushing my own healing process, maybe I am actually being impatient. But I am tired of feeling like a loser, with no future. I am tired of feeling like life is moving on for everyone else, and things are getting better for them, while I feel so utterly gutted, destroyed.

Am I depressed? Maybe, but I don’t think so, and trust me, I know depression well. I think I am grieving horribly, and I am just not sure how to carry on. Can I carry on? What am I carrying on toward? I have no clue. I had all the answers for my husband, but now I suddenly have none for myself. The irony.

I guess I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, day after day. Looking for the small things that bring me joy, and being productive, that is about what I have going for me right now, and I suppose that is enough, has to be enough. My soul feels like it is dying, and perhaps it is, and maybe I should stop looking for what is next, just be right here, taking a pause for however long it takes. Even if I don’t like it.

Life. It is an interesting thing. The farther you go, the harder the tests/lessons are. I unvolunteer now, someone else pick up the stick.

It dawns on me how I am always telling my husband that the only thing he could ever do, is to build a time machine and go back to the past. You know, you can never undo the past, you can only change the present, for a different future. He is working on that, or rather himself, and I am working on releasing all of the past associated with him and his baggage. I guess that is positive, even if I don’t feel it so much.

I took this photo in September of 2019. I thought things were getting better then, and while they may have been better than before, they were still not better than they actually were. I have given 23 years of my life to him and our children, in ways of which I initially chose, then of ways needed, to ways expected. No one in my house likes me today because I have finally released what needed to be said to them all. And while it hurts that they don’t care for what I have said, it hurt not to say it.

And this is what I said about this photo. “Lots of clarity can be had in the face of tragedy. Love your people, love your city. Be original, be authentic. Be YOU.”

Sounds like wise words from my former self to my current self. I feel as though I have lived through a tragedy. I have absolutely evacuated my community of people, to deal with this, and only this. I am original, I am authentic, and it is time to just be ME. Not this tragic person, not a parent, not a wife, not a daughter, and not a friend(although 3 of you are still here with me). I just need to be ME.

I clearly left the light on for myself, and in true fashion, I left myself a note too. It is time to move on from the hurt, the anger and the hatred. It is time to see where this thing goes, life. It’s time to stop running, to stop standing still, it’s time to move to my own music, my own beat, let the rhythm move my feet. It’s time to turn off the light. I made it home, back to me. Thank you William, for the lesson.

We often lie to ourselves about certain relationships in our life. Maybe we don’t keep relationships for love or to be chosen, but because we are tied to others, responsible for, or bogged down by expectations tying us together. Some things are easy to walk away from, while others would just appear selfish if we did. Something to ponder, does your family make you glad to be related to them, or is it a full time job that has no pay off?

Another productive day today! Most of my day was working in my flower beds, clearing debris, weeding, and planting. I will mulch another day, sometime soon! I also walked with Avery and did yoga. I really needed both after working in the flower beds. On a positive note, I planted spikey annual plants 2 years ago, they never really died off in 2020, and were bigger and fuller in 2021. They died off over the winter, so I figured I got more than I expected out of them. Today I went to clear the dead roots, and as I was gathering the dead debris, I spotted some tiny 3” spikes! They are not dead this year, apparently. Yeehaw!!

I had to use some of my landscape rocks to start training some of my other plants to give plenty of room for my new Lilac bush. I don’t mind, neither will they. I clearly need to patch some grass and I think I will put some pebbles in the holly bush area, which I chose to shape last year, or the year before. Basically, personal preference is important for all things, even landscaping!

I am so relieved to have all of this done so early in the season, usually I wait until June. I did worry today that I may run out of projects around my house, then I had a good laugh at myself, there is always a project in my world. How do you feel about your landscaping? If any of you have a pollinator garden, drop me a line and let me know what your favorite plants are in that, I would like to add to my own, and I would appreciate your input!

I had another productive day, and I am all for that. I am motoring right along with my house! Avery asked me earlier if I could breathe with more space, to which I said I literally have more space, and yes I can breathe better! I am finishing “opening up” my house with all the changes being done, and clean up is mainly left after today’s last big job of carpet cleaning.

I think we are all going to be so much happier in our house with the changes being made, the flow truly is better. Completing my list of indoor projects that were high priority will free up my summer to focus on outdoor projects and outdoor living, which will be great, but also much needed. I am honestly excited to tackle all of that next…at least talking about it, the doing of it may be another thing altogether. And there will always be room for more indoor summer projects, I have a list. 😉

Today is a short check in, I have been productive and right now, I am sitting here talking to Ave, enjoying the last rays of the day’s sun. I hope you have had great day, I sure have! See you tomorrow!

Any good before and after shows you photos of before and after. Here, today, you will get a half assed version and only after pictures. I honestly had not initially planned to make this a before and after, but after jawing at you about my painting, I figured I would at least show you an after. Please bear in mind that William was working in here, and has since moved to a room doubles in size…basically I probably wouldn’t have shown you the before anyhow.

This is the house’s designated dining room, when we moved here, we immediately didn’t like that idea, so it became my photography workspace. I bought this table when I lived in Jackson, and it sat in my old garage for several years. It had a crappy leather top that was scrapped off in parts and dry rotted in all the others. I knew it would be a perfect table for my workspace, and so I refinished the top with William’s help. I did not touch the base/legs other than to wash and beeswax treat.

I love all of the imperfections, dings and minor damage this beauty possesses. That is what I call character! This is sanded down, stained, and beeswax conditioning only. It is such a beautiful table, and well worth the $40 I paid. We also added bun feet to it to give it some height. So smooth!

I am wondering how long this table was originally, it has space for a leaf or two, maybe more?! The base to me says it was longer, or could be quite a bit longer, anyhow. It did not have chairs when I acquired it, but I recently purchased these nice little swivel chairs from Big Sandy. The wood color on the chairs matches the table top almost perfectly, plus these have a bit of cushion for dinners, games, and puzzle time. I also like the nailheads, you can also find nailheads on my living room furniture!

I will also be putting a large art piece above the kennels soon. And after vacation, I will probably relocate the kennelsto another room, in the basement. This is such ease if access for us right now, and for my dog sitter, thank you Kellie!

I will be honest, my curtains are 5 years old, but I still love them, and I paid very little for them. I just wash them and put them back up in my Big Lots curtain rods. The table, dresser and mirror are all antiques and I paid $80 total for them all. Mason Smith gifted me this beautiful print of his, we used to be business neighbors and when Inkbox Tattoo Shop moved locations, I was sad to see them go, he kindly gave this to me. My brass lamp is an old yard sale find, and the antlers in the dough bowl came from Chillicothe Antique Emporium. More or less, what I am telling you is that I am a curator, and I only bring things in to my house that hold meaning or that speak to me. I also like to honor where I am from, where I live, in Chillicothe.

In case you spotted the old office chair in the corner, it is for sale and I would be happy to show you a better picture of it! Lol. Do you have a space in your home that feels like a black hole or chaotic vortex? A washing, some paint(or patched paint), decluttering, and redesignating of your spaces can go a long way to make you love your house again, love it now, enjoy it, hate it less or just feel like you have a better flow of things. Drop me a line and let me know if you have changed a space’s purpose, or changed it back to it’s original purpose, I would love to know!