So, in case you were wondering. The lesson yielded these thoughts:
Some things that I would not compromise during this lesson:
There were so many things beyond my control, and I did the best I could. I truly get that I may have chosen wrong according to some, or I could have chosen better. I chose the ways I did with my kids in mind first, their safety, their happiness and eventual unhappiness, their trauma or baggage potential, and selfishly, because I didn’t want to lose them in any way to the darkness that one family possesses. I did not want them to become their dad. I tried to protect him too. Save him. Help him.
I did so much for the ones I love, that I lost myself, and I sacrificed myself, to the point I am at now. I have nothing left for me. It truly seems that there is nothing for me. This leaves me confused, sad, and angry. I am patiently waiting on what is next, and maybe I am rushing my own healing process, maybe I am actually being impatient. But I am tired of feeling like a loser, with no future. I am tired of feeling like life is moving on for everyone else, and things are getting better for them, while I feel so utterly gutted, destroyed.
Am I depressed? Maybe, but I don’t think so, and trust me, I know depression well. I think I am grieving horribly, and I am just not sure how to carry on. Can I carry on? What am I carrying on toward? I have no clue. I had all the answers for my husband, but now I suddenly have none for myself. The irony.
I guess I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, day after day. Looking for the small things that bring me joy, and being productive, that is about what I have going for me right now, and I suppose that is enough, has to be enough. My soul feels like it is dying, and perhaps it is, and maybe I should stop looking for what is next, just be right here, taking a pause for however long it takes. Even if I don’t like it.
Life. It is an interesting thing. The farther you go, the harder the tests/lessons are. I unvolunteer now, someone else pick up the stick.