TAP 17/70-Yields

So, in case you were wondering. The lesson yielded these thoughts:

• Never love someone more than you love yourself, otherwise you will lose yourself
• Never accept terrible behavior from another, no matter what the reasoning is
• Always know who supports, loves and cares for you, these people are indispensable
• Focus on your life. YOUR LIFE. When you give too much to others, you have zero left
• Remember that no one gets out of life unscathed, and even if you try to eliminate that, or rule it out, your children will still find fault with you, even though you chose the best you could

Some things that I would not compromise during this lesson:

• Children are innocent, and should be protected in all manners, that may require the biggest sacrifice from you
• Forgiving people and giving them many chances is on you, not them
• Each day is a new day, don’t carry yesterday’s burden in to today, always start fresh
• We suffer the effects of what we do not change, but if something makes it an impossibility to change the externals, we accept that and make the most of it
• Keeping my faith/belief in God-ultimately, even in those times of absence

There were so many things beyond my control, and I did the best I could. I truly get that I may have chosen wrong according to some, or I could have chosen better. I chose the ways I did with my kids in mind first, their safety, their happiness and eventual unhappiness, their trauma or baggage potential, and selfishly, because I didn’t want to lose them in any way to the darkness that one family possesses. I did not want them to become their dad. I tried to protect him too. Save him. Help him.

I did so much for the ones I love, that I lost myself, and I sacrificed myself, to the point I am at now. I have nothing left for me. It truly seems that there is nothing for me. This leaves me confused, sad, and angry. I am patiently waiting on what is next, and maybe I am rushing my own healing process, maybe I am actually being impatient. But I am tired of feeling like a loser, with no future. I am tired of feeling like life is moving on for everyone else, and things are getting better for them, while I feel so utterly gutted, destroyed.

Am I depressed? Maybe, but I don’t think so, and trust me, I know depression well. I think I am grieving horribly, and I am just not sure how to carry on. Can I carry on? What am I carrying on toward? I have no clue. I had all the answers for my husband, but now I suddenly have none for myself. The irony.

I guess I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, day after day. Looking for the small things that bring me joy, and being productive, that is about what I have going for me right now, and I suppose that is enough, has to be enough. My soul feels like it is dying, and perhaps it is, and maybe I should stop looking for what is next, just be right here, taking a pause for however long it takes. Even if I don’t like it.

Life. It is an interesting thing. The farther you go, the harder the tests/lessons are. I unvolunteer now, someone else pick up the stick.