The Photographist Life

What if we did the opposite?

With everything in life, there is a balance, sometimes that requires us to make major moves or minor tweaks. We do these things with attaining or maintaining equilibrium in mind, never with the intention of losing our footing and subsequently falling. I want to tell myself this is what all people think, but I know this just isn’t the case. We often sabotage ourselves either not realizing that is what we are doing, fully knowing what we are doing and just can’t seem to stop ourselves and sometimes we are paralyzed by fear to change what we know is terrible for us.

I just had a conversation with my kids about people that struggle, yet the struggles are largely self imposed. Now, this was not me talking to my kids as a lecture or parent talk, but was a subject broached by my eldest, that the youngest weighed in on, and that I pointed out something that neither touched. We all need to learn life lessons, and that often comes with struggles, and yes largely we are the lesson to be learned. How do we get out of our own way? How do we identify that we are the problem? How do we expect to have what we want when we can’t even see around ourselves?

This last question is not saying self absorbed, but seriously about getting out of our own way to proceed with learning and ultimately success within and for ourselves. I believe we all struggle with this at some point in our lives, some people their whole lives, and other people until something shakes up their life. Have you been there? And are you also saying, “which time?”, lol?

I admit I have done this, I still do it in some ways with certain things, if I am honest, one big thing. I know I am standing in my own way, I know why I am standing in my own way. I know the justifications I give myself, and I know that it is all one big lie I tell myself because I am being too kind, understanding and compassionate about it.

In regards to this, I have lost my balance completely, I have fallen off the proverbial beam more times than I care to count. I keep getting back on knowing that it isn’t a goal to stay on the beam, but to not lose my ability to keep getting back on the beam. So what if I did the opposite? What if I went in the other direction with my actions in regard to this? What if I started think of my thoughts and feelings on the other end of the spectrum? How do I even feel about this?

I kind of feel weird to be honest, a little uncomfortable, a lot intrigued and somewhat lighter in my feelings about it. Why not? Why not?? WHY NOT??? This is something that I have contemplated, trying the opposite of what doesn’t work, serve me, or make me happy, and to be honest, I thought I couldn’t do it. But to be frank, the current methodology is not working, so what could I possibly stand to lose by taking a chance on this new balancing act, failure?

Ah, but see, I have already admitted to falling off the beam multiple times, knowing my tactic will fail me every time. Why not just admit that it is ridiculous and not productive to keep using the same method that keeps failing? Why not change my approach and way of thinking about it, way of looking at it? What is the worst that can happen, I develop a new bad habit that proves useless? I am already there, so I might as well make a major move, some minor tweaks and see if I can’t find some much needed balance with this topic?

Then it sinks in. If I go the opposite way, it means I will succeed, I will be forced to look at why I have purposely failed all the attempts before. Because that’s what I have done. I have failed of my own accord, and I know why I have. The dawning is always hard to come to terms with, when you realize that YOU are the reason you are frustrated, falling, failing yourself.

No matter how much you want to exhaust yourself getting back up on that beam, stop and think about it before you do. Be as honest with yourself as you possibly can be, if you get back up there, are you serving your highest good? Is it in your best interest, or will it cause the inevitable loop of negativity that you think mounting that beam with that same old can do attitude can actually fix? I think we both know the answer to that. Settle in yourself for a while and reflect on it all.

I want to be honest with you, I feel I need an answer to something out of my control, several answers in fact. But instead of getting upset, frustrated, or feeling out of control about it, I think I will just stand next to the beam, maybe walk beside it for a while. Who knows, maybe I will just walk away from the beam realizing that I am pretty darn balanced with both feet on the ground, on my own two legs. Maybe I don’t need an answer because I already have one, and maybe I was only unbalanced by my own doing? I think I will try doing the opposite, see how it goes. I can always come back to that beam after all!

If you have read the last several things posted here at The Photographist Life, you may be wondering why the desire to write and share what all has been said and laid out there for the world to witness is being done. Healing my friends, healing is the answer.

We were not seeking to heal ourselves through writing, truthfully we started healing individually and in our relationship way before we ever wrote a word. We wrote our pieces because we were well into healing, and wanted people to know they could heal from similar too. We chose not to be silent about our struggles, our failures if you will, but instead to own our stories and to forge a new path, separately and together for the benefit of others to see and feel comfortable enough to talk to us if they were struggling too.

I am no expert nor authority on relationships of any kind, I only know what I was seeking, what was not working for me, and what my husband was struggling with and what he now seeks. We are both good with where we have been, we are at peace with that period in our lives, we are not living out of the past, but being present every day, and approaching the future with hope and love, for ourselves, and each other. That does not mean we think “we’ve made it”, or that we’ll have a fairytale ending, but instead it means we are operating more from the same page, with the same intention to communicate better, more effectively.

I often feel the need to defend myself, and I know why. He feels the need to be defensive and combative, and he knows why. We both know our own struggles, the big and small whys, we both work on ourselves and how it all relates to “us”. We are human, beautifully damaged and flawed, but we are also healed/healing and everyday becoming better versions of ourselves, the best is yet to unfold.

I hope this post finds you well, and honest with yourself. Clarity, happiness, healing and peace to you all!

Write your story,

Write what you know.

Include details that are gory,

So you can release and then grow.

Your soul isn’t for everyone,

And everyone isn’t for you.

Sometimes you wish you could put in to words,

But then again people might get confused.

Your story is yours, and yours alone,

Life is a journey of what you have sown.

So make good decisions and don’t ask for opinions,

Because as it turns out, most people are minions.

Go live your life and have lots of fun,

Worst case write poetry that has no rhyme or reason.

Written by Bill Robinson, for The Photographist Life

Love, it’s a m*th*rf*cker, eh?
When ERIN asked me to write a piece for her, this movie quote is the first thing I thought of. It’s So much of a MF’er that I bet that many of you reading this can’t even clearly define what it is. You love your spouse, you love your kids, you love your pets, you love tacos, you love to read… you get the point. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflection about my own life recently, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I struggle to define what LOVE actually is to me.
You turn 18, either go to college or get a job, and all of a sudden you’re holding the keys to your life. Looking back at this as a 44 year old version of myself scares the hell out of me, especially because I have a child currently entering into adulthood. We tend to think we’ve got the world figured out during that time in our lives, but the truth is that we don’t know a damn thing.
What’s scariest is that several of us make the choice to enter into what should be the most sacred relationship in our lives… marriage. It should be a happy time to share our lives, to share our experiences, and to share our love with our partner. Unfortunately, most of us have absolutely no clue who we even are, yet we’re deciding to try and adult with the best of them! And we wonder why half of marriages end in divorce? I wonder?
Let me preface this by saying that I have always loved my wife, at least according to my own definition of what I thought love actually was. The problem is that my definition and her definition never really aligned with each other’s, and it brought us to the point that she referenced… she wanted a divorce, and she was serious. The vast differences in our definitions of love, as well as me carrying around about 10 tons of baggage from my upbringing that clouded my above referenced adulthood, created a relationship that may be considered strained at best. It sucked when she told me, and it hurt, but it also made me step into myself to try and figure my life out.
What I discovered, and am still discovering, is that I have been a miserable shit in my most important relationships. I’ve always worked hard, probably too hard, to be a provider for my wife and kids (a big portion of my understanding of what I thought love was). The problem is that this isn’t what they’ve always wanted or needed from me, and it often led to frustration for those of us involved. Someone commented on Erin’s post that she wasn’t seen or wasn’t heard… that’s exactly what she’s always needed that I haven’t provided, and it took me finally listening to her to realize how important she is to me.
But why was I a miserable shit? That’s a question that I’ve been figuring out through much self reflection as well as through counseling. The truth is that I had some poor examples shown to me while I was growing up, and it manifested into much more when I thought I had this “adulting” thing figured out. Communication was very limited while I was growing up, which led to a lack of emotions, other than anger and fear. Fear was oftentimes used as a means of control, which created a great sense of frustration and anger. The problem is that this frustration and fear really didn’t show its full face until I ventured onto my own path in my own relationship. This sense of fear still causes me issues to this day, oftentimes avoiding a difficult conversation because of the perceived sense that things could wind up with someone being upset or angry with me. This mindset, however, typically leads to no resolution whatsoever, and problems continue, despite the fact that I desperately want them resolved. This is a large part of the reason that Erin felt the way she did, and I knew it was time for a change.
This same frustration, fear, and anger created a version of me that’s really not accurate. It made me very selfish, selfish to the point that it nearly cost me what’s most sacred to me… my wife. Selfishness, defensiveness, blame, and guilt were the tools of the trade in my household growing up. As I continue to ramble on, I want you to think about why you do the things you do? Do you do things because you like to or because you enjoy them, or, do you do them to avoid feeling negative emotions like guilt or shame? It’s my contention that the majority of the things that were done by me and my family when I was a child was to avoid feeling guilt, which again, clouded many of the choices I have made as an adult. Guilt sucks… that’s about as simply as I can put it, so do the things you want to do for the reasons you want to do them, Not because someone may make you feel bad for not complying with what they think you should do! But… don’t take it to the extreme that you only make selfish decisions, because that sucks for the ones you love, and that’s where I have lived for quite some time.
I’ve been very angry, which I have been aware of. I have recently started figuring out the why, which is allowing me to let go of the anger! I have also not liked myself, for a multitude of reasons, and it set my marriage on a path for disaster. ERIN has always loved me and been here for me and tried to help me, but I have allowed all the negativity in my life to overshadow all of this. I’ve never felt like I was good enough, and I’ve lived with self doubt. Again, though the help of self reflection and counseling, I finally like myself, and more importantly, I allow me to be proud of me! And, for the first time probably ever, I am truly happy!
Why am I sharing all of this? I have been asking myself this question as I have written all of this piece. Maybe it will change the perception you have of me, good or bad, and for the first time in my life, I’m okay with that. You’re free to think what you wish, as am I! But, I really hope you’ll take this advice away from this… figure out what love is to you, and make sure that your loved ones know it and feel it. And for God’s sake… listen, care, and be open to love. I don’t want anyone reading this to wind up where ERIN and I did recently. You matter, but so does your spouse. Learn to communicate, don’t be defensive, and listen to understand, not to respond.
I can put this story out here because it’s my story, and I’m not going to hide from it any longer. The best part is that my story is going to have a happy ending, and I want your to too. Mine will be happy because I have a woman who loves me, and has been extremely patient with me (she would tell you to the point of sainthood, and that’s not far from the truth)! The biggest thing that’s going to create my happy ending is my willingness to let all the BS in my life go, so I can evolve and grow as a person, and be the man my wife has deserved the whole time!

How have you been? Apparently I have been absent since July, so my expected readership is ZERO. That isn’t really true, I expect 5 people to read this. 5 is a good number, not round, but full nonetheless. I am not exactly sure where this post is going to take me, if it will be a one and done or so lengthy that it has to become a series. Here is what I will tell you though, it will not include any photos or visual gems, it will be all words instead. So, if verbose people being authentic telling their story isn’t your thing, then you are probably not 1 of those 5 people.

So, where have I been since July? I have been taking care of myself, and I don’t have any plans to stop that, at all. You see, I did not take care of myself for the longest time. I never went to the doctor, not even annual appointments, I put myself last for everything, or didn’t even consider myself as important enough to care for, in any way. This post is not meant to be a downer, nor a bid for attention, but to be an honest wake up for someone out there. I needed a wake up, and I got one in July, apparently after hitting snooze one too many times!!

In July, I really wasn’t certain I was going to survive, but I am a survivor and a fighter, and patient and observant, so I just kept pressing on, but not really living, nor enjoying life. I had been living a nightmare for years, YEARS!! As I have mentioned before, I had Bell’s Palsy last year, which in my opinion was a result of all of the stress I had been under for years, that reached a major breaking point. After Bell’s, I thought(ha ha) that I was on my way to better, which I was not, I was just under slightly less stress. I did invest in myself by going to yoga, and by being very vocal about the bs I was dealing with in the ways I was, but it was not as alleviating as I had hoped it all would be. To be honest, that left me feeling angry all the time, which, I was already angry at everything all the time anyhow, so it was truthfully compounding the problem, not helping it.

If you read my post from May titled “Challenging My Femininity”, then you know that I was having an issue with a friend that felt they knew me, better than I knew myself. They had all of these preconceived notions about me, and honestly, some of those things were perceptions based upon my behavior, but some of those things were projections as well. I can say this now, having done 6 months of deep soul retrieval, which this is not my first go round with soul retrieval, but my most recent, and probably what I feel is my most profound. On a side note, I did open my heart to this friend, and realized this fall out was not all her fault, but I owned some of it too.

You see, she was just an embodiment of what was a deeper issue for me. She always remarked about my masculinity showing as most dominant. At the time, I was pissed, I am a very feminine person! So why would she think this? I seriously pondered, obsessed, and hurt over this. Now, I always like to delve in to psychological growth, what am I covering, what am I projecting, what are my flaws and issues that hold me back, sabotage me/my life, because I want to live my best life for me and those around me, which we established I was not. Anyhow, after doing a lot of psychological work, I realized why I was showing her that side of me, pretty much all the time. I felt very threatened, like she was just one more person to not actually hear me and see me, even though I wasn’t being my whole self, not even close!! It was also my way of being heard and seen. It worked with her personal trauma, which I did not even recognize at the time. Honestly, I think we both wanted a friendship with each other, we just happened to bring out not good things in each other due to our personal traumas. I never told anyone the toxic life I was living, and I expected her to see through the facades to the real me that I was hiding, so I was angry with her for not seeing me, for bringing out this defensive side of me, and for her projecting or having a false opinion of me, but it was really my fault because that is what I showed her, right?

Not exactly. I don’t deny that my behavior showed one side of me, but her opinions and discussion of me with others and strangers that didn’t know me, was the thing that made me see that we couldn’t be close. When you form an opinion, based upon limited knowledge, and then seek validation from others on that opinion, you are not being objective to what you are seeing, so then you start projecting your own issues/traumas on people. See, people never truly show you all of themselves, at least not in an acquaintance or early friendship, but I never thought I knew all of her, or a fraction. I was just curious to see it all unfold, because that is how I am, a part of who I am.

Back to evolving. I realized that yes, I was in a very craptastic situation in life, but how was I being a contributor of my own problems? This is not the same as saying “It’s all my fault.” and being a victim of sorts, I had already been there before too, this was different. What traumas or even more so, what changes had I made to my behavior(s), what acommodations did I make for others, and just disguised those things as character traits, beliefs, or “responsibilities”? I started delving in to archetypes, how those applied to me in all areas of life, how those affected me, how that affected those around me…I was doing a bunch of Shadow work, the dark side of self that isn’t like an evil side of your light/white side, but of the deep things I lied to myself about, that I wasn’t aware of , or that I felt I had dealt with already, but clearly had not.

Once I broke these archetypes down, something was still missing. I still felt something wasn’t right, I was missing something huge and I was hiding it from myself…and one thing kept playing in my mind. Someone commented on my “Challenging My Femininity” post, to open my throat chakra and speak my truth. This kept ringing a bell, but of what kind, I wasn’t so sure. I mean, I am a very vocal person. I can tell you my likes, dislikes, my opinions, my experiences, words, words words…but was I really open to saying things I needed to say, very specific things? And was there a connection between the friend mentioned above and my sad ass situation? YES.

I have always allowed other people to feel more superior to me. Especially when I see they need to be the dominant one, to be in charge, to have the power. Personally, I know who I am, I know my strengths(and weaknesses), I know my capabilities, I know what I know, and I know how to know what I know. Cryptic, sure, but the point is, I don’t have to have power, dominance or control, mainly because I know I can be the power in the room, I know I can be the dominant one, I know I can be in control…but that doesn’t make me those things. Being open to all does. Being welcoming and all inclusive does. Being authentic does. Providing space for others to test their wings, to be seen and heard does. Having the utmost of ethics and integrity does. BUT, being HUMBLE, serving in humility, with an understanding of others’ situations, traumas and needs allows me to comfortably shift to a minor role in things, not the dominant power role that is easy and anyone can do.

This is a me issue. This is me being too accomodating at times. This is me appearing as something I am not and allowing room for erroneous judments and opinions. And this also allows for certain people/personalities to think they can run roughshod on me, subsequently me feeling hurt, bitter and angry. So what is a person to do? Well, sometimes you have to shut up, observe and listen to understand. And other times, you have to show your true self. The situation with that friend showed me where I was screwing up in so many ways, that my ability to hide myself to let others shine was actually causing me to lose myself, and thus causing a whole host of other problems.

So, I told my husband that I wanted a divorce because he did not hear me and see me. This was not the first time I had said this to him, but this time I actually meant it. Our relationship was so damn toxic, he was a pretty shitty human in a lot of ways, as he had been shown to be, as he had been reinforced to be, and as he had been enabled to be. THIS was what I was hiding from-myself and my situation-and I had been doing it for years. I was completely lost in his baggage, in his past, in his trauma which became my own. My own self lack lead me to that point. Feeling that I couldn’t be my own confident self for feeling that others needed it more than me was and is WRONG. Shrinking myself for others to such a point of self sacrifice was ludicrous, but it was what was expected of me, it was what I thought someone that felt unworthy and unloved needed, I thought it made him feel safe, and maybe in some small way it did, but it also blew up to epic proportions, fostering the lack in his soul, and the stall of growth in my own.

Some of you may be wondering why I am airing dirty laundry, and I will tell you this. Piss off, I am speaking my truth, the thing I have hid from for years, the thing I pretended didn’t exist, the thing I put a happy face on for others’ sake. No I am not telling you all of the things that have transpired, that is none of your business, but I am telling you that I have lived a very dark, isolated, lonely life for a very long time. I have had beautiful things in my life, my children, my friends, my experiences, and my memories, but dammit, I lost my magic, I lost my zest for life, and that was not worth staying in a horrible situation for. And in case you are wondering, I am not divorced nor getting one.

Everything works in it’s own timing, all things lead you to where you are supposed to be. When I told my husband I was leaving, and he saw that I wasn’t angry, but calm, resolved and clear headed, I think it dawned on him that everything I had been telling him about his own baggage was true. He received several confirmations of this in a multitude of ways, and I think he would even tell you that a light bulb went off. He has since started counseling, and he has become the person I always saw underneath. A good man whose soul has evolved, a man who loves the little boy inside of him, a man that feels worthy and knows that our past and our mistakes don’t define us if we choose for them to not define us, but that if we hold ourselves accountable and responsible, if we communicate with openness, and love from an unconditional heart, then we can live and lead a life worthy of us.

My soul is free to resume it’s own evolution. No one freed me, no one saved me, no one did those things because I did, I did those things by being willing to look at the ugliness, and my Shadow self. We only limit ourselves by choice, consciously or not, but always ultimately by our own choice. My husband and I both have a lot of room for growth, individually, and together in our relationship. We both are providing space for each other, we are both working towards a better self for a better us. No relationship is perfect, as we are proof of, but when you truly love and care about another person, you figure out how to walk a path together, for the betterment of all. We both feel like our marriage is actually just starting, and honestly, it feels terrific!

Stay tuned, my husband Bill will be contributing his own piece to The Photographist Life!

In life, we will go through many transitions, and even transition within transitions. Some of these transitions will be joyous, some will be devastating, some will make us wonder how we got through and some will make us glad we had to change things. Hopefully though, we can see the beauty in any of these situations during or after, and that above all, we see the things that were required of us to transition and we marvel in our own personal strength.

We start life with the building blocks of our parents and loved ones taking care of us, and showing us the way. The people before us lay the foundation not only for the starting point of our lives, but the way in which we may go about and pursue life, even showing us what our possible expectations in life could be. As we grow, we see the things we like about those building blocks, that we want for ourselves, and other times, we realize there is opportunity for transitions to occur to change our lives or our expectations that differ from the previous generations for our own growth. Neither is wrong, neither is right, just one is different than the other. For some, this can cause great relief to make a different choice, to reach out and grab what is meant for them, and their life. On the flip side of that, it can also result in strained relationships of those that came before you, because it may feel insulting to them, even though you just seek different from what they know. One of the most important pieces of wisdom a lot of us have been told in our lives from elders and older generation loved ones, is to not forget our roots, ie, the building blocks. Sound and sage advice my father and grandmother gave me at different times in my life, and the way that they both told me was said with love and reverence and told to me in positive situations. Those words have gotten me through some rough transitions in life, because there is support, caring and love there I could rely on.

As we grow and mature, finding our way out in this life, we refer back to those building blocks but look to forging a new way for ourselves. We are eager to try new things, go on new adventures, we long for life to keep us on our toes possibly not knowing if we’ll fall or not…but that doesn’t keep us from having confidence in ourselves, finding some flexibility and rushing head long into new territory. For some of us, this could be marriage, children, moving away from our childhood homes and towns, embracing our true identities or maybe all of that and then some! Life transitions start with choices, forced or not, and we may be pleasantly surprised by what is yielded, either way.

We have made some choices, we have learned from the bad and relished the good, but we benefit from both. Good choices always look good at the time, and maybe they will always be determined as a good choice, time tells. We do however benefit from the bad as well as the good. Now, I can say that terrible things happen and sadly, we can’t do anything about that. We can’t alternately make any choices to change things that have already happened. We don’t always know why bad things happen. Sometimes we can see the choices that lead to the bad thing, but we simply cannot undo it and there isn’t a thing we can do about it. This is when we make do have the option to make another choice, do we attempt to move on, or do we collapse, fall and never recover enough to try anymore or ever?

Our transitions can be foretelling, they can look effortless, pitiful, awkward or down right crazy. They can look all of those ways, that all depends on perspective, to you and those observing your transition. New jobs, weddings, babies, new homes, new cars, accomplishing goals like graduation from all levels of education, are all great transitions that generally bring about joy for those personally experiencing it and to those that have been supportive and part of your journey. Even the folks not directly involved in these transitions are joyful when included in celebrating these happy types of life events. Unfortunately, not all transitions look pretty or are fun. Those on the outside may have an idea what has and is happening, and some of those people may hold space for us to travel along on our journey, helping us along the way in subtle or obvious ways. Some people have absolutely no idea what has occurred, how it has affected you and they only see you at a rough patch that is a result of a tough transition, coming or going, maybe in process. Ironically, nothing is permanent, so whether a good or bad transition, we should always provide space for people and keep our observations limited to what we see…seeing is believing, but don’t believe we see everything there is to see.

When things are good, things are great. When things are bad, well, that is STC, Subject to Change(thank you EJ Harris for reminding us of this, always). Things can look good on the surface, but be bad underneath. Things can look bad on the surface, but be healing underneath. Things can look effortless, but take a considerable amount of effort. Things can be easy today, rejoice, buy a lottery ticket perhaps. Maybe things are constant and stable, and you are itching for a change, or maybe you are thankful for the stability. The point is, have a good foundation for yourself, be flexible, give effort, celebrate the good things, be kind to yourself if you fall, and if you have to take a minute to breathe, steady yourself again and be ready for the next transition!

Thank you to my good friend Maria Murray for creatively collaborating with me on this post, for always providing me space to be me, for encouraging all of her students to breathe, to be kind to yourself and to love one another. If you would like to experience yoga transitions in Maria’s classes, you can find her at http://www.rainbowyogastudio.com

**WARNING: This post contains crude words and strong language.**

So, I had a friend tell me one day that I am very masculine.  I dress masculine, I speak with masculinity…I identify with the Sun more than the Moon…UH, okay, what is your point??? Sure, I dress in and Snap On apparel, um, my husband works for the company and I like how soft the t-shirts are, I also like free things? I speak my mind because I like clean and clear communication and not demure, easily misunderstood, let’s be so polite it that it just creates hard feelings language…and? I admit out loud and with pride that I am good at certain things…does that make me cocky or confident? Personally, I don’t feel that I should again, demure, and act like I am insecure or unsure of myself or my skills when I know how hard I have worked for those skills, that knowledge and that experience. And I have to favor the Moon over the Sun to be feminine? Um, nope. I think the Moon is terrific, I really do. But the Sun makes me happy with sunshine on my face. I love getting Vitamin D, so many benefits from that one, and the sun is where I send all of my negativity to be burned off and returned to the Earth for nourishment for plants and humans alike. As I will be doing over the next several days. Positive cycles are something I buy into wholeheartedly. Again friend, what is your actual point, or do you really have one? What is your agenda?

I don’t wear a lot of jewelry most of the time, and sometimes I wear none at all. I have sensitive skin, and sometimes the less of anything I have on, the better. The weight and pressure of jewelry is excruciating to me at times. I told my husband years ago to please not buy me jewelry, I wouldn’t want to waste money on something I will most likely never wear. I wish that I could be like my friend Angie and always wear super cute earrings. I compliment her, and comment each time she wears a pair I have never seen. First, she is darling and her earrings accent that about her. Secondly, I admire that she can wear these works of art on her body and I cannot, it enhances her inner and outer beauty. My friend Angie is awesome, I doubt she thinks I am masculine, but then again, she isn’t threatened by me either. She owns her own AWESOME. Love you, Ang and  appreciate you.

Do I actually only dress in Snap On attire? No. I wear a litany of clothing articles, of varying colors, none of which are all white. Yes friend, I will NEVER wear an all white shirt. I am a stain magnet. When your breasts are as large as mine, you are an inevitable stain magnet, whether you are eating or not. Also, I am pale. White and pale skin are not very compatible. I wear black. I make no apologies or excuses for that. First, black is every color. Not the absence of color, but EVERY color. I like black because it stays “cleaner” than light colors…remember, I am a stain magnet. Black goes with anything. Black is slimming. And I don’t care who told you that black absorbs energy(okay I concede this has some scientific merit in some way), but when I do energy work, black blocks, black protects, black grounds, black is invisible and settling to clients on a table, oh and too, black is not color reflective while doing photo shoots. Black is a color that is classic. I LOVE BLACK.

I decided somewhere along the way, that it is okay to admit when I know something good about myself. So, when you tell me I am good at something, and I say I know…I literally know, and can admit it to myself. I don’t do my best for the praise, I don’t do my best so that you can tell me about it. I do my best to satisfy myself and my own standards. My clients will tell you that praise falls on these deaf ears. I want to hear my services helped you, that you feel better or that you love the images I did for you, not for my own vanity, but because of how it made you feel, I genuinely want you to be happy. I am my own worst critic, so my self praise/satisfaction, is what I am aiming for. I appreciate the kind words, but kind words are not always genuine, I want something more tangible than praise…and I am NOT reducing my self worth to needing others’ pretty words. Personally, if I say something nice to you, I genuinely mean it, it is coming from my heart and soul. Granted a lot of people speak like this, but I am not one to need the words. Maybe this makes me masculine???

To be crass, I have a vagina and breasts. Hello feminine. I self identify as Female, BECAUSE I AM. My period is not synced with the Moon, and I am perfectly okay with that. Do I see how the Moon and Female cycle is connected? Sure do, but I am not defined by whether me and Mother Moon are in cyclic sync. Maybe I am MORE feminine because I love the Sun? Sun represents masculine energy, and I love men tremendously. Specifically, I loved the grandfather whose words set in motion my life of helping to heal others. I love my dad who treated me as an equal, he worked me like a boy on the farm at times, he taught me a lot of “manly” things involving animals, tools, problem solving pragmatically, how to chew tobacco at a tender age, and he is the person I consult on a lot of matters in life. Not because I can’t make a decision, no the decision is made before I even call him, but I do call because we think a lot a like and reason through problems very similarly. My husband, I love so very much about my husband. That does not mean that we haven’t had our problems and issues, no, it means that we have worked and grown through them. In addition to his beautiful personality, I love all of the physical qualities, male qualities, that attracted me to him. I am a girl that loves a good triceps on a man, nothing is hotter than a well developed triceps on a man…well, mostly;) Sorry Bill, I may admire triceps on other dudes, but yours is the only one I want to reach out and touch and cuddle up to at night(no metaphors involved here, straight triceps talk).

And what about my feminine influences in life? I was raised by beautiful, softly strong women. My grandmothers, greats included, were all amazing women that were single/widowed for a very long time. These women lived by themselves, took care of themselves and never compromised their self worth just to be with another man. They were all different and unique from each other. One grandma wore dresses and skirts most of my life, but she could wrangle an animal and scale a fence like any man I know. My maternal grandma wore fingernail polish and Youth Dew, but she could out drink a man in Budweiser any day of the week. And then there is my mom. I once had a coach tell me that I was not to use foul factory language(I said shoot under my breath, but he was hell bent on saying he heard me say shit), because my mom worked in the same factory as him…personally, I’d rather cuss like a sailor than  be a hypocrite that people don’t respect. My mom taught me how to endure. She showed me that I love to smell like a girl, she taught me to love my body even if my breasts were too large and feminine, but to appreciate that I was shapely and womanly.

I have two amazing daughters that I am raising. I am teaching them that no one defines them, only they do. They should be who they choose to be, not who the world or another small minded person may try to define them to be. They are girly some days, and some days they are not, a lot like their mother, but you know friend, you probably wouldn’t know that because you see me(and them) a VERY small fraction of the time, and typically first thing in the morning when I am about to go to yoga, looking all ratchet. I wear makeup, but not often because I have rosacea. I worked hard for clear skin and I am not about to lose that now, especially not to make someone think I am more feminine. You know what, my girls don’t wear makeup a lot either, they know they are beautiful and feminine without it, and so do I.

So, what is the point of this post? Did you touch a nerve? Do you think I am too defensive and that says something underlying about me. Damn right. I know what mental abuse is and you, my friend are doing just that to make yourself feel better, or to think you are better and higher in pecking order than I am. Joke is on you, I don’t subscribe to that BS, I have better things to do and I know exactly who I am. Do you know exactly who you are? I am infuriated that you, in your quest of Feminine power and ownership would dare label me, question me and biggest of all, think you know me so well that you could make assumptions based on a fraction of my time in your presence, or what someone else that I have never met thinks they know about me. This disgusts me, and shows me how weak of personality and character you truly are. I am all about owning my FEMININITY, and I am the only one that gets to define that, not you or anyone else. ME. If this post hurts your feelings or sensibility, then good sister, consider us even, and I hope you learned a little more about me, enough to know that you don’t really know a damn thing about me. And trust me, I know myself pretty damn well, and you do not. You need to take a step back and look at yourself, FO.

Please don’t read this and think it applies to you… it applies to one person, and only one person. That person will read this and know it’s directed at him/her. If you even have to question whether it’s you, then it’s clearly not you. Oh, by the way… don’t let the fact that you’ve angered me in any way make you think that your thoughts and actions are justified. Put simply, they are not. You don’t empower someone by stabbing them in the back with the hand that’s not hugging them, and you sure as hell don’t put them down in an attempt to raise yourself.