The Photographist Life

Are you playing a role in your own life? Are you playing multiple roles? Do you even know if you may be playing a role, as opposed to just being who you are? Whenever I find a common theme popping up in my life, this is the lightbulb that says write about it.

If we wanted a role in a play, we auditioned. Many of you may say, well, I don’t want to play a character, I just want to be me. What if I told you the roles we seek are comparable to when we were kids in gym class or recess, we just wanted to be picked? How about if I tell you that our roles often have to deal with our childhood, that we played roles for our parents or friends as a way of receiving love and finding self worth?

Many of us adults carry the childhood roles way far into our adulthood, doing the same or similar actions as those of what we did to get recognition and love from our parents and peers. We have fulfilled the roles for so long that we no longer realize that is what we are doing. Some may say, “this is my personality”, or this IS love, or this was how I was raised, or it’s not me, it’s you, as a way to explain their methods and ways of explaining themselves without understanding themselves. These are some examples of coping mechanisms, trauma, projection, finding and receiving love or self worth, acceptance.

When we don’t stop to examine what we have carried with us into adulthood, we more or less are saying we are not worth more, and neither are those around us. That is a pretty brash, hard statement, but truly, what is conditioning and what is choice? Do you know why you have a tendency to want to help/fix others? Do you know why you have a desire to be perfect? Do you know why you trust no men? If you can’t dissect and pinpoint why, you’ll never know why, things will not go how you want them to, and odds are it will be someone else’s fault, or you will blame yourself to the point that Jesus will look at you and ask if you are trying to take his position.

Some people will say that you can’t go back, you can only go forward. TRUTH. However, when you don’t examine the past, and look upon it with love and care, for you, your parents, for relatives, for people of influence, or friends, then you probably will short change you and anyone you have contact with in your present and future. Too many people think that looking at the past is a gateway to blaming your parents, caregivers, or friends for their flaws and failings, it is not. So what exactly is it?

It is a way for you to identify what you were tasked with, what you have not only brought to the present with you, but what you may think is just a part of you, and is actually a detriment to you. For example, I was a fixer/helper. My parents did not always get along, and I was the buffer, I fixed the situation so they would, at minimum, not argue. This carried over in to adulthood to where one time at a concert, I got between two grown men fist fighting. Yes, they stopped, but I put myself in harm’s way, which was stupid and dangerous. Why? Because I just reacted and did it. I realized this was a problem, that it was not my job nor duty, and the police showed up maybe 2 minutes after I got them to stop anyhow. I still tend to be a more diplomatic person, by choice, I have never run from conflict, I face it straight on, but how many people avoid conflict, and why? I have dealt with the childhood conditioning of my mediator status, to where what this entails now is listening, seeing both sides and communicating about it, but definitely not inserting myself where I am not asked to be, only being involved when asked or required for resolution.

How many of us are still living for our parents, relatives, or friends approval even if we know our parents don’t require that? How many of us think we are simply respecting our parents when we don’t communicate our disagreement or boundaries to them? How many of us are also putting this on our kids, who may in turn put it on their kids? And why is voicing our thoughts, opinions, dislike or disdain for our parents actions or choices seen as disrespectful, from them or us, can you handle this coming from your own kids??

Ah, it is the role we play. The role they gave us, the role we persist upon and perhaps it is a generational role that just keeps getting handed down? Well, if you know me, and my husband will also tell you, my motto has been and will forever be, “I’ll do whatever the hell I want to do!”. And you know what, I encourage every single person around me to try that on or adopt it for themselves. Why? Why not? If I know why I am making the choice based upon the system of checks and balances that I have, for the reason I am, how can that be anything but good for me?

If we are not being authentic with ourselves, we are not being authentic with others. If we are playing a role for someone else, we are not serving in the best way, or to the best of our abilities. Might there be nuggets of gold in those roles? Sure, but we must determine how that makes up a part of us, not a just a “personality” trait assigned to us that we accept as fact. So, you can’t go back, but you can’t freely move forward until you examine the past roles you have played.

Are you willing to be uncomfortable and examine your roles? Are you willing to see what you kept as yours, when it was put upon you? Do you want to be free of similar patterns, feelings and occurrences in your life??? Then look back, sort it out, show grace and love to yourself, your parents, relatives or caregivers, forgive you, forgive them, because they knew not what they did, but now you know you have a choice. Oh, and a thought to ponder, do you know what guides your choices, and how your roles play a part of that? Like, if you ignore the past, how, or is that really serving you?

~Erin

Are you pointing to others in blame, or in acknowledgment of answers. Are you pointing in the direction you wish to go, or the place you came from, maybe where you stand that you can’t move from? Are you looking in the mirror pointing at yourself in awareness, in denying fault, or maybe just seeing yourself for the first time? Are you pointing to others like you and finding fault, or finding relief? Where are you pointing, and what do you find when you follow that?

Life is far from perfect. I’d go so far to say that life is a testimony of perfect imperfections. I’d probably include in that testimonial list, a series of reactions to the imperfections, a sense of humor, some observations and maybe a dose of the lesson we were meant to learn.

I made an observation the other day. It seems that every pitbull we get, is a representation of where we are in our lives. Since we have been married, we have had 3 pitties, and they all had similar pit qualities, but each one is unique. While initially that is eye opening, I think it all circles back around to the imperfections, the observations, the lessons and definitely the sense of humor.

Our Jack mutt, and Mini Schnauzer don’t seem to fall in to this realm, neither did our Boxer, it is a very odd thing, but it is also a very humbling thing. When you see reflected back to you, through a dog, where you have been or where you are, it is astounding. I am not saying that only pits are capable of holding a metaphorical mirror, that may be different for you with your dog(s), but in our case, this is how it has been and I kind of just cock my head like the dog thinking about it.

I love that we get back, what we put out, and it is so obvious. What an amazing barometer for self growth, what an amazing opportunity for our potential! Who would have thought that man’s best friend would end up being a reflection of our relationship with ourself?! Many of you may be saying, “yeah, no, it’s not that deep.”, but isn’t it? Isn’t it that deep??

I’ll leave you with this, our newly adopted guy, Sonny, you can tell that someone loved and cherished him when he was a pup. They devoted a lot of time and energy to teaching him and showing him how to behave. And you can tell somewhere down the line, they beat him. You can also tell that they abandoned him, because he needs to keep his people not only close to him, but in his sight, sometimes riding in the car worries him. I feel like I understand the person, through understanding him, and I just want to hug them, and not judge them. I want to tell them thank you for showing him the best parts of yourself, because he is the sweetest boy ever. I just want to say thank you for giving him up, if it meant no mistreatment, or betrayal. Thank you whoever you are, and may you have looked in the mirror he held before you dumped him.

~Erin

We often have the greatest of intentions to _______. We spend time planning on how to ______, we talk about getting ______ done. We even start to ______, eventually to find ourselves fallen off the path to ______. We can have the best of intentions, and we may even have already succeeded at ______. What happens when we fall off of ______, do we beat ourselves up, totally give up, or trust that falling is part of the process to succeed at _____?

I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic in July of 2020. That was a hard blow to be dealt, but at the same time, I had set an intention for better eating/health just two weeks prior. The need to change my eating habits showed up in a medical manner, and I thought, well, I wasn’t specific now was I?

I had shared my diagnosis with my yoga instructor, who also happens to be a Doctor of Physical Therapy, and a women’s health coach, she directed me to a book that she found helpful, and that she thought would be helpful to me as well. The book, titled “Hangry”, was the best thing I could have read, the best resource I could have asked for and, it helped me go from a 6.3 to 5.6 on my A1C testing! I also lost 25 pounds! It helped my hormones, my attitude, my overall well-being!

https://www.amazon.com/Hangry-Simple-Balance-Hormones-Restore/dp/1250620732/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=hangry+book&qid=1614475336&sprefix=hangry&sr=8-3

And then the holidays happened. I was feeling amazing, better than I have ever felt, my pain was at the lowest level I have felt in over 12 years, and to be honest, I felt the best about my body I have felt in like 30 years. Sounds amazing, right, so why would I put those feelings and results in jeopardy? Because I felt that good, that is why. I thought I could “afford” it, I thought the good things were more minimal than maximum, I thought a little poor choice here and there wouldn’t add up, they wouldn’t become long term and they would go by the wayside after the holidays.

Weeeeelllll, I have been wrong before and I will most definitely be wrong again. I know that I must resume the good things, eradicate the bad, I know how to do that, and I just need to do it. You know what else I need to do, the biggest thing I did when I started this plan the last time? I showed myself grace, I loved myself more, I cared for myself more, I nurtured myself more, and that was why I did so well before, perhaps that is why I fell this time, to remind me of how far I had come, and that if I need a break, that is okay, but to discard what works is not in my best interest, and I need to remind myself of that, as well as making my health my priority!

So what is in your blank space that I mentioned before? Do you have multiple blank spaces, do you need to think about what that might be for you? I will be gathering, regrouping, recentering my life on what I know worked for me, what makes me successful.

~Erin

Truth shall set you free. But what is the truth? Who determines the truth, or what is true for you, or true for me? Is there an exacting truth for everyone, like a one size fits all?

I truly do not think so, and I am glad that it appears that it isn’t the case. If we all were to walk the exact same path, in the exact same manner, with the exact same experiences, and the exact same outcomes, we would be robbing others of their truth. We would be robbed of our own truth! I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the exact opposite of what makes life beautiful, and rich.

Now, I think a majority of people want a similar final outcome. We want to be greeted with open arms, a loving presence to welcome us home, and the contentment of knowing that we did our best, that we truly made the effort with what we had to work with. Some people will say, what difference does it make, there is nothing and no one at the end. Period. The End. I respect that, I understand, and I have been there. Not that long ago in fact. And do you know what I did? I took a pause.

I paused because there were some things I needed to learn, about myself, about my life, about my health and about this world. I learned about other people, what makes them tick, looked deeper at what makes me tick, and then I had a revelation. I don’t know shit. Lol. All these years of thinking I had a good bead on things to realize, I really don’t know anything, and odds are, you don’t either.

That is not meant to say we are all dumb, because that is simply not accurate, but what it really says is this: no matter how much I learn, how much knowledge I gain, how much I grow from experience, at the end of the day, it is a drop in the bucket compared to all that I really don’t yet know and have not experienced yet.

This revelation blew my mind. It humbled me like nothing has before. I think in that moment, I really acknowledged that while our lives are vast and amazing, we are only specks of dust in the grand scheme of things…however, we are absolute miracles in this galaxy of possibilities. How do we arrive to believe one or two things ultimately? Why are we not seeing it ALL goes together? How do we not make the connection of life?

What I mean is that we are capable of studying the body for optimal health, so we have knowledge on how to do so. We have knowledge about the brain and how we can fix our thinking, take care of our mental health, we can choose our beliefs and let that fuel our soul…we have everything we need within reach of living out the most amazing life, it is brimming with possibilities, yet, yet, we fall into the trap of thinking we can only believe one thing, or one way, and the path we choose is the ONLY path. What if there is more than one way to arrive at the same place?

Want a peek inside my mind? I know what is at the top of the pyramid for me, and everything else falls under the apex. The things outside of my pyramid, I collect those, I am a curator of this life, in this body, and I believe I was created to be that way, I was tasked to be that way, and I am meant to never stop being that way. I am meant to be as full as I can of knowledge and experiences, of magic and wonder. I am meant to strive for balance, all while acquiring the fruits given to me, the opportunities to expand…but to never forget where it starts, it starts at the top it starts with God for me, and the rest gently cascades to the bottom. It is through grace that I humbly accept this, and I am in awe as I only arrived here through opening my heart.

Where do you start? What makes you full? Are you on your path with blinders, or are you gazing openly at what is put forth for you to experience and learn from? Do you feel others don’t or won’t get you if your beliefs or truth differs?

~Erin

What are you feeding your soul? Is is sugar, is it salt, is it waste of the Earth? To be too honest, I have been feeding my body garbage and it started with the crap I was consuming with my soul. I didn’t care much for what I was feeding myself either way, so eminent changes were a comin’!

I took a pause, disconnected, did some soul searching, and I went looking for answers in regards to what my soul was taking in. I was binging on hate, rhetoric, negativity, and to be quite honest, opinions and words from people I don’t know, don’t care for their outlooks, and some I don’t even like as people. And boy did I become bitter, closed off and a not so pleasant version of myself.

Now, I didn’t get irritated with myself, instead, I went inward, I did some soul searching, because at that point I felt my soul had been scorched out by what I was imbibing, 100 proof hate. I turned to consulting the only source I consult when I am at a loss for answers, and when I listened, this is what I got: You need to feed your community. You need to build that up. There is strength in numbers, strength in thoughts and belief. Feed your community.

What this means to me is words. Words. WORDS. At 16 I devoted my life to being a messenger, I surrendered, I was unburdened and I was born again. This was not the end nor the beginning, this was the moment that all other moments would spring forth from, the moment that my life would really start to matter from, and that all other moments would refer back to.

All kinds of amazing things have been happening in and around my life here lately, ever since I stopped consuming outside trash and giving it to my soul. And you know what, that is exactly what I needed to do…take the pause, take out the trash, and stop consuming all together the things that did not nourish me.

Now that I am soul nourishing like a fiend, I am soul serving as many people as I can around me. The next step is getting back to nourishing my body, that means going to yoga regularly, taking walks with my boy Sonny, and eating foods that are healthy and life giving to me!

So let me ask you, do you need to do a little soul sanitation, some body cleansing, and some deep level answer searching? I am renewed again, and I want the same for you, do you want that for you too?

~Erin

We intrinsically know what we need, are we willing to receive it? Do we truly believe it will happen? Have we said yes, when we think it may be possible? Are we our biggest blocker to what we want?

What do you read, books that tell you what you should want, or books that tell you how to get what you want? Have you defined what it is exactly that you are seeking, or do you maybe need to delve deeper to see you need multiple things? How do you know it is what you want, truly? Were you told this is what you should want, or did you have an experience that you made you aware of what you did not want, and now you know exactly what you do want?

Do you ponder if you are just being well behaved and wanting what you should? Or are you hungering and craving what your soul needs? And how can you tell a difference?

I leave you with all of these questions, I hope it sparks something inside you, be it a question or an answer. May you find what you are looking for, or start to wonder what that is!

~Erin

Our experience is our own. We need not compare ourselves to others, nor accept when others compare us to someone else, even if it is a well meaning comparison. We are on our own unique journey, our own path. People often want us to meet them where they are on their path. They don’t necessarily take in to consideration where we are on our own path. Honor dictates that we meet people where we are, and where they are. Observing someone on a differing path, their path, is not only respectful to them, it is respectful towards ourselves, as it says I am not trying to change or influence your path, I am only here to observe for my own learning, to honor and support you, and to wish you well on your journey. Hopefully, this is reflected back at you, that you on your journey, are honored, respected and observed too!

~Erin

Good Saturday Morning!!! How are you today? I am well, just finished a yoga session at home to start my day, it was peaceful, a nice blend of flow and resting poses, capped off with a brief meditation. This is Saturday, so another episode of This is Me.

I noticed yesterday that the Sun was with us longer than it has been. Gaining minutes of sunshine every day is something I not only look forward to, but depend upon this time of year, every year. I love the natural rhythms out bodies go through with each season, and sinking into those feelings, really enjoying each and every experience we have with the weather and our surroundings, even seeing changes in people around me. Do you love seasonal changes, maybe not the aches and pains winter brings, or the allergies that spring and fall brings, but don’t you love the changing seasons? I truly do! Fall is my fave.

This is me now. Seasonal soaker, always. That also brings me to think about the seasons in our life. When we are children, it is the Spring of our youth, Summer is like your 20s and 30s, Fall extends from 40s-60s, and then Winter is 70s on, or I think it feels that we could equate it that way. Not going to lie, I am a natural brunette, but in my 20s&30s(into my 40s), I was a red head. Once I got Bell’s Palsy, I decided that I needed a lot of changes, one of those-becoming a blonde. I was blonde when I was a little kid, and so I was going to embrace my first hair color, own it…blondes have more fun after all, right?Yes, it seems they do, but then I realized, is this me? Is this a fair representation of who I am?

I know who I am, I am a person that has had a lot of experiences, good and bad. I have grown exponentially as a person and I don’t plan on stopping now. I sit within myself with all the knowledge and wisdom I possess, and I know that I know nothing yet. I am 44, I am in my Autumnal season, and I want to be present in every moment of it, therefore I am going back to my roots, in a lot of ways, my hair being one.

I am so excited for my stylist to take me to a natural place, it will take time, but I am stoked about just naturally being me on the outside, to reflect my inside. It will be a journey I question a lot, but one worth the effort. Always BE TRUE TO YOU, whatever that means to you!

Good Saturday Morning to you all! I am starting a new series today on the blog, I think we’ll call it “This is Me.” It will be featured on Saturdays, not sure if it is short term or permanent, but what the hell, let’s give it a go and have some fun with it!

We often start our weekdays and weekends with coffee, fresh ground, fresh brewed, fa-resh deliciousness! The coffee sign used to say something else, I can’t even remember, but I decided years ago to freehand the word COFFEE on it, and to hang it by the coffee pot. It reminds me of old diners and coffee cans, I love nostalgia! When we got married, Bill gifted me the Ball canisters, I love their teal blue color-classic Ball jar coloring, so happy and fresh! I am a curator of items, I am always looking for just the right things to place and pair together. Some function, some form…Want to source the rest of my items? Let me know!

We decided that because we love coffee so much, we may as well make a coffee bar, and add shelves with things that we love or inspire us…well, it’s me mainly, but the family just goes along with it, they love me like that! I recently procured the owl from an auction, she is wood, carved. My Marimo Moss came from my good friend Maria, this little thing is so cool and soothing to swish around! It goes well with my Snake plant that one of Avery’s coworkers gave us. You see my cow photo, a butter churn and a big bouquet of roses at that left side. I love pairing a host of things that speak to me!

This bouquet is reall two dried bouquets I put together, they make more of an impact this way. I love dried flowers, you get to enjoy them twice this way, and their beauty varies from live to dried, love it! The rock came from my driveway, we had been getting a series of nonstop showers for about two summers straight and two years in a row, it flushed out two separate rocks that I curated for my home. I have no idea what makes this one special, but I do love the size, color and texture. I truly love things I can hold in my hands and feel the energy of!

Yes, that is a horse skull. I acquired this piece the same time I acquired the owl. They both have names, but I can’t recall the owl’s…guess we will have to rename it. The horse’s name is Telula. She may not have her front two teeth, but she is still purty, just like her name. The wooden charger with the R? My friend Lori gave me several chargers, I made her, myself and one other monogrammed piece from them all. The pottery is part in honor of my husband’s Uncle Mike who introduced us to the Raku style, and the other pieces are local, they seem to fit and marry well.

This is Me. I like to make things with my own hands. I like things others make with their hands. I love to honor dead things in their life, death and beyond, embracing their beauty in every stage. I capture things I find interesting and beautiful. I put special things from special people in places I can see them, enjoy them and find daily happiness in. This is Me. Drop me a line, tell me about you, does any of my curation speak to you, are you a curator too?

~Erin