The Photographist Life

I was raised in Ross County Ohio, in a small community where I was taught that all people are equal. I can honestly say that my experience with racism was limited, I witnessed it, expressed my opposition to it, but it was mainly quiet where I grew up. This was my experience, and I doubt it was accurate from my view point, but because of how I grew up, my friends were simply my friends, neighbors were neighbors, and we were all Ross Countians no matter our little hub of the county.

When I was in my late teens/early 20s. I moved to Wooster, Ohio. Some people will tell you that all Ohioans are the same, this is simply not true. They all sounded like they were from Michigan, and they claimed I must be from Kentucky because of my accent. I always wondered what accent?! My experience with a lot of northerners was that they were rude, entitled, snobby and superior in their minds. Now, that is not to say all people were that way, because that just isn’t true. I had so many co-workers and friends that were good and kind to me, treated me like they knew me their whole lives, being an outsider not from there, I appreciated those people and were thankful to have them in my life!

One lady in particular that I felt so close to, her name was Sharon. She was such an amazing, loving lady, she was calm and tranquil to be around, just all around awesome. Everyone told me that her husband was more amazing, and Sharon even said he was the kinder of the two, the funny thing is he was a prison guard in Mansfield, so I thought this guy had to be pretty tough as well, being as it was maximum security at that time. When I met Robert, Sharon’s husband, I could see why they were together. He was a huge mountain of a man, but a gentle giant, such a sweetheart, a teddy bear. I felt even calmer in his presence, safe and secure. I could see what everyone had been telling me about him.

I got to know Sharon and Robert pretty well, and was always happy to be around them. One day, I was in Akron, my friend and I were going to eat at a restaurant called Shells, I had heard such great things about it! Imagine my surprise when I walk in and Sharon and Robert were there! I asked them how long they had been waiting, they said 20 minutes. The host told us it would be 20 minutes from our arrival. After 5 minutes, they said our table was ready. I looked at Sharon and Robert, asked how many were in their party, they said 2. It was just my friend and me in our party. I explained to the host that Sharon and Robert were there first, that it was their turn to be seated. The host said it was not their turn. I was still not getting it. I looked at Sharon and Robert, who is black, Sharon shrugged with a sad smile on her face, Robert was quietly infuriated. I said to the host more forcefully, it is their turn. The host said, no, we have your table ready. I said to my friend that I was uncomfortable, that I didn’t think I wanted to eat there, and Sharon pleaded with me to take the table. “This happens all the time.” I told her that I did not like this, she asked me again to please just take the table. I was not making a scene, but I was outraged. This naive, young girl from Southern Ohio was disgusted and sad, and now aware.

We went to the table, I did not want to embarrass Sharon and Robert, nor cause them any more issues with my words or actions. That meal might have been excellent, but it was the worst meal I ever had. I did not enjoy it, I did not eat much. In fact, I never went to another Shells restaurant again after that. I can see this memory like it was yesterday, I can still feel the disgust and hatred I felt for that host, and for that situation, even for Sharon’s words, “This happens all the time.”.

I always thought I was doing my part for injustices my friends felt and experienced, speaking out when warranted, and to this day, I wish I had walked out of that restaurant. I wish I had been my 43 year old self, and done something different. I told Sharon and Robert I was sorry several times. I am still sorry to this day.

We can do better. We must do better. ALL of us. We ALL must heal this divide, let no one come between us, let no one go without feeling or being equal. Race, gender, hetero/homosexual, whatever distinguishing factors we all are, we must stand together, United as Americans, brothers and sisters alike. When we allow our nation to be divided, we will surely fall. I stand with my fellow Americans, ALL of YOU. I am outraged.

When I was young, I purposely decided to change my life. I did not like how my life was going, I did not like how I felt about it, and I did not like a lot of things I did either. Self awareness showed me that I didn’t like these things, and because of that, I could continue down the path I was on, or I could make some changes and redirect my path. This was not something I entered in to lightly, it required a spiritual perspective, some guidance from above, and some self discipline to get to where I wanted to go, because when you ask for guidance, it is given if you are willing to seek it.

Every day that you practice self betterment in spirituality, is a day you are wiser and kinder to others and yourself. This provides more opportunity for gratitude, also to self and others. This causes expansion of your heart, soul and mind, and in turn, it provokes you to look for others more along the same lines.

When I was in 5th grade, I was pretty depressed. At the time, I did not realize that was what it was, but looking back, I realize I was heavily depressed. I don’t remember much from that time, but a few things stand out, one of those was kindness bestowed upon me from another school mate. This person had, and currently has no idea what their kindness did for me at that time. At a time I felt pretty dark and bleak, kind words and kind gestures from them, are one of only a handful of things I remember from that time. This has always stuck with me, as this person always seemed kind to me all through school, and is still kind to this day.

I had the opportunity to get to know this person a little better as an adult. As kids we never ran in the same circles, but as adults, we have more things in common. Anyhow, this person still shows a lot of grace and kindness, not just towards me, but to so many people that we both know. I think it is safe to say that this person has not always had it easy, and has been through their share of crap in life, but it hasn’t diminished their kindness in life, perhaps it has made it grow, I will have to ask about that.

This person recently gifted me with an item, it was completely unexpected, it wasn’t because I was feeling down or anything like that, this person gifted me just because they could, and wanted to. This is humbling when someone does this for you, and it makes you pause and take your own acts of random kindness in to consideration, not in a keeping score sort of way, but more so in an inspirational sort of way. It asks you to look at what you can do for others, how you can help, or how you might brighten someone’s day, just because you can.

This mug, and token, are so much more symbolic for me than just a random act of kindness. “Teach Peace” speaks volumes about my soul and my spirituality. My massage therapy business is called “Inner Peace”, because I want to help people feel and find inner peace within themselves. This all harkens back to the changes I purposely made for myself when I was young. Just because we may not like ourselves or the things we do at some point in time, does not mean that we never get to like or love ourselves, it does not mean that we are irredeemable, it does not mean that we are destined to suffer for an eternity. No, it means that we can choose to work on these things, work on ourselves, we can live the lives that we choose and deserve because we are willing to show ourselves grace and kindness, forgiveness too.

I want people to feel lightened of their bodily burdens of pain and dysfunction, to know that they can move forward and make changes that are good for them mind, body and soul. I want people to feel they are unconditionally loved when they are in my presence, that they know that I will not judge them, but I will help them. I hope for people to make the choice to free themselves of the earthly burdens that they carry around, and to know that by doing so, they are inviting and accepting Inner Peace in to their lives.

Because I asked for help and guidance all those years ago, and I received grace of lifting my own burdens, I knew it was part of my purpose to help “Teach Peace”. This gift that truly encapsulated my life, astounded me. It was a bombardment of love, caring, kindness, grace and gratitude all at once. I was so overwhelmed by the thought of this friend, by the maker of this mug, by the way our world works in fates, by guidance from above, and most of all, by the way people are so connected in loving, caring ways, as displayed in the making, giving, and receiving of this one mug. Crazy good stuff. Thank you friend for simply being you, you are loved, valued, and appreciated. Thank you Rachel for not just making a mug, but for making a Movement too!❤️

Howdy all! How are you today, are you having a good day?

Clearly my post didn’t resonate with many yesterday, and that is alright! I am good with me, so it is all good! That is the whole point by the way, to feel good with you and to be able to silently, comfortably sit with yourself without requiring a distraction or attention. Have you observed that many people cannot do that? That observation is not made in judgment, but more so in concern or curiosity. What made that person that way? I love to help people and when I can, I do, simply because I want people to live their best life, being their happiest.

I personally like to grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I like to figure out why I think, feel, or behave certain ways, I like to do it with an open mind too with no judgment towards myself. I know that we do not have the answer for others, especially when we are receiving limited information, also possibly skewed or controlled information, but if we are open, we may provide tools, resources, or info that may help someone educate themselves, and possibly promote a desire to grow within self.

We are creatures of suffering, if we allow it. This is either a false narrative told to us in our childhood, or something along the way that was handed to us, based upon others’ own false narratives, and possibly used as a means of control. Because we know the feeling of suffering, it becomes comfortable, expected even. This is a much easier place to exist than change, discomfort, restructuring and altering our norm, or perceived norm. Our minds are like our muscles, there is a memory formed to what is consistent, this becomes something we do without thinking about it, so if we have an expectation for suffering, it becomes memory, which is displayed in habit, pattern or behavior.

The same can be said for a positive mindset. If we are taught to be resilient, forward thinking and moving, keep a broad perspective, then we are more apt to overcome, achieve goals, suffer less and pull more positivity to us. However, there are exceptions to this, such as false narratives making the negative overshadow the positive mindset and puts us in a feeling of lack, where we actualize the patterns and behaviors/habits that cause suffering.

So, how do we break this habit, pattern or behavior? We recognize there is an unwanted/undesirable thing we are doing or feeling that is not in alignment with who we are, or where we want to be. Sometimes this undesirable thing shows up as “Why do these bad things always happen to me?”, or “Why do I always attract _________kind of people in my life?”. This all goes back to the suffering we allow, or were taught was a norm for us, and that we continue to persist to exist.

We need to ask ourselves why are we holding ourselves hostage if we are aware of the suffering? What narratives are we buying in to? What bad habits or people do we allow to continue to wreak havoc in our lives? How is this keeping us from living our best lives?

I know that many people think this is a horrible time for me to to discuss this, but if you are anxious, sad, angry or struggling to deal right now, this can shed light on why this is hard for you, and lead can lead you to discovering they whys for yourself!

Let’s not beat around the bush, let’s just get straight to the matter. In life, people tend to be disappointed because of their expectations, whether that is the fulfillment of said expectation by self, or the desire for someone else to fulfill the expectation, there is room provided for disappointment with expectation, and often it is a set up for letdown. This in turn can cause us to go down a path in life to constantly have unrealistic expectations and it will leave us feeling very unfulfilled, sad, angry, disappointed, despondent, or perhaps worse, looking for something, or anything to fill us up.

I am big on being realistic with my kids, and discussing the realistic points of a subject. This includes open dialogue where, if I am neutral, it can open the door for them to objectively discuss and observe their own feelings about the subject, thus not swaying them one way or another, but allowing them to develop their own feelings and opinions about it. I would love to say this is like, some original thing I thought up on my own, but it isn’t. This is how my parents raised me, one of the things I appreciated most about them and my rearing, and so I felt it important and worthy to include in my own brand of parenting.

I myself have felt let down in many scenarios, some of those because I had expectations for others to fill me up in a way I didn’t realize I needed, or wanted, because there was something missing there…BUT, often times this is place where I have either expected the same thing of myself, and failed to meet my own expectation, I didn’t take the opportunity to fill that expectation for myself, or because someone legit let me down, which again, was an expectation.

I am not saying to have zero expectations of people or situations, but be aware of the why for the expectation. For example, I go to my hair stylist because he is amazing, if he does a subpar job that day, I give him a pass because he is off his game that day. I go the next time and he is subpar again, I then mention it to him, find out what is going on with him. Third time subpar, and odds are I may need to consider another stylist. Now, none of this has happened with my stylist because he is bomb, but this is a subtle way in which our expectation is not being met. I need to address why my expectation is not being met, I can say it is all his fault because he has changed techniques, became complacent etc..Okay, but I also need to see why I have the expectation for bomb hair. I like to feel great about my hair on my head, I like my hair to be healthy, I like the way the cut and color enhance my natural features, it makes people compliment me all the time.

Screech!! That last part, it makes people compliment me all the time…this would be your ego talking. This would be a place for you to look at why you have such a desire to be complimented, how is it filling you up? Were you always told you were pretty growing up? Maybe that set the tone for you to find validation in yourself through your looks? Maybe you were the “pretty” sister? This implies you had your looks going for you, and maybe nothing else-or that is how it makes you feel, that you are only worthy through your looks, not your mind, your kindness, your caring heart. Hmm.

Perhaps you only find your self worth through these compliments, therefore you put these expectations of perfection on your hairstylist, not realizing that he is not failing you, but that you are failing you. Yes you have every right to have a level of expectation when you pay for a service, but you do not have the right to place such expectations for compliments to fill you up, nor for the stylist or masses to fill you up. That is YOUR responsibility, and hopefully your parents are teaching you this, or taught you this.

What happens when our expectations go from acceptable(your stylist should meet a certain expectation, the purpose of the service), to bigger and bigger and bigger to where they are so great, they become irrational and even focus on the small things too? What qualifies as irrational? When you become petty for not having your expectation met, you are irrational and immature. When something small causes you to be “hurt” by someone’s lack of meeting your expectation, this qualifies too. When you start projecting your negative emotions because people should be pitying you, sympathizing, or filling up your well, then you have crossed over in to even more dangerous territory. You have now victimized yourself, and the question is why?

Perhaps you had a parent that victimized you as way for them to gain attention. Perhaps this was their MO for gaining attention too. Perhaps this is what you noticed filled you up in your youth. Any way, you are asking for someone to fill up your well, and that person is not you. Going to say it again, YOU have to fill YOU up. No one else has that job or duty, it is you. Why is it up to you? Because you are the one having your experience, living your life, making your decisions for you. If you are making others responsible for filling you up, does that mean you are letting others make all the decisions for you? Is someone else dictating how you are to live your life and putting the screws to you when you don’t do it your way? Maybe. Is this person living inside your skin and having your experience? Nope.

Why am I writing about this? Because narcissism is quiet. It is hidden. It is shrouded in so many cloaks. Odds are you have no idea you have a narcissist in your life, that they have influenced the smallest things that develop your character, that they are subtly controlling aspects of your life, and you are allowing it to happen, and if you find yourself having great(or small) expectations of others not being met, that evoke pettiness and negativity from you, then maybe you need to step back, and see what is really happening. How do you need them to fill you up and how does that relate to the false narrative that someone else told you? You have time to think about this, now do it!

I am a big proponent of making the most of something, or a situation. I tend to move away from the doom and gloomers, and focus on the positive aspects at hand. I know that some of you may think otherwise of me, that is fine, but the truth is I am a very optimistic, get out of my way and let me succeed type of person. I feel that we can face a challenge and rise to the occasion, or we can sink just by letting our thoughts and feelings control the situation before it even becomes a thing. A lot of my mindset is just that, I was raised to not panic, to assess the situation, to think things through, see all sides-every angle, and to make an informed decision(thank you dad), and sometimes to just go with gut instinct. There is often no time like the present, so what an opportunity to apply said optimism and positivity.

I refuse to NOT acknowledge the realities of life, and as you may have read here before, I am not running from what is in front of me. I would rather admit to what I see, because then I can make a decision on how to proceed forward. Forward movement is after all an optimistic outlook, and I don’t want to be anything other than optimistic. You know, truthfully, I am not sure I know how to be pessimistic. Realistic, yes definitely, but I think my mom always said it best, “Everything works out in the end.” When someone believes what they say, because they have found it to always be true, and then you adopt the same mindset because you have witnessed their truth and because you too have experienced it as your own truth, it is like second nature to feel this way, and to know that it truly will be okay in the end.

Like many others, I find myself with a lot of upcoming spare time, or maybe I should say non designated time. I readily came up with a list of things I would like to get accomplished, or that were overdue in needing done in or around my home. Washing my walls down and cleaning carpet are the first two items on my list, followed closely by some outdoor projects such as reworking a landscape wall, trimming back some overgrown greenery and overall tidying and sprucing up of our outdoor spaces. Fortunately, there have been other opportunities come about as well to help round things out in my life, my favorite Yoga studio is hosting online classes, a photographer whose work I have long admired is having a portrait photography class, a professional association I am a member of is hosting photography classes, plus I have a subscription to a couple of other sites, that will keep me investing in myself and my trades in this time of isolation, as well as spending quality time with my family as we hang out and cook dinner together, which seldom happens.

I love when I am on the same wavelength with my youngest child, she is so bright and sunny, also an optimist, but most would question that statement if they didn’t really know her. Earlier in the day when I accomplished the “dirty” chores, I got cleaned up and purposely decided to blow dry my hair in to a style, fix my eyebrows and put on mascara. I had a thought about it all, and when Brooke came to my office as I was writing this and after she finished her school work and showered, I noticed that she too had dried her hair and put on mascara. I asked her thoughts on this, she said all is better in the world with mascara on. I could not agree more! To see the world with a brighter outlook, we must see ourselves with a positive outlook too. Think about it, when you look like you put no effort in, then you feel like you put no effort in. Optimism is a daily challenge of output given, and lest we start thinking like a doom and gloomer, it is best to not see ourselves without some sort of effort. I realize this sounds slightly outdated in thought, but this is what works for me, and clearly Brooke too, so we will optimistically stick with this mascara methodology!

Now, my eldest Avery, is going about things her own way. She is still getting outside to run, but has also adopted an indoors mentality of exercising in her room. We hear random, but consistent bangs and we know that she is doing handstands, lunges, squats, etc.. She is not letting up in her physical fitness regime and it is inspiring to see, or hear! She is staying consistent with her school work, as is her sister, but this all may have the biggest impact on her, you see, she is a senior. While she had a meltdown early on about the things she may be robbed of, she got it out of her system and is now focusing on the daily things she can choose to focus on, both of my girls are. After all, they know that it doesn’t help to dwell on what cannot be controlled, but to rejoice in what can be. Avery is a creature of schedule and habits, and thankfully told me what she felt was an upside to this time in our lives, it is an opportunity to rest, catch up on the things she would like to catch up on. I hear there was a crazy good blindside on Survivor, at least that is what she exclaimed this morning as she was catching up on her show, lol! She may have watched it without me, but that is okay, she had time to catch up!

My husband thankfully can do a lot of work from home, although he had to go out yesterday and will be out again tomorrow. He is planning on cleaning up the home gym and getting busy with that. He just started exercising again last year, and the benefits for him all around have been fantastic! He feels great which is the best part and I don’t want him to have to miss out on that feeling. Me, I can do yoga in any room, but he has equipment that we encroached on when we needed a little more storage, so that is on our list of must do things too. We will also finish setting up his home office to his liking in this time, which will be great for all of us. It put my career stuff all in one room, his career stuff all in one room, it freed up our kitchen table and helps us all to have space to focus on the things we want and choose to do.

We each are maintaining our daily schedules as best as we can. I can no longer do massage therapy, especially out of my home, but I am focusing on the things I can do, the things I can control. For the next bit, I hope to post words with images like I used to, things that are uplifting and inspiring, or maybe even amusing. This isn’t a band-aid or a diversion tactic, but a gentle reminder that we are still living, that there is still much beauty in this world, that we can find the little things to be of the utmost value if we look to find it. As my Taurus Moon points out, I love to see and surround myself with the comforts and beauty of life, this is my true self, and the part of me that I will share with you. We can never go back, we can only go forward, let’s make sure we keep moving with forward momentum!

Slow down, rejoice and be well my friends!

I was sitting here last night thinking it was about time for the maple tree to start budding, and today was so nice we walked around the yard to look at the trees and such. Imagine my delight when I noticed the tiny red buds on the maple tree,

the white buds coming in on the locust tree,

the green tiny leaves on the honeysuckle

and the little woody buds on the weeping cherry tree!

Sorry they are less than stellar images, but the excitement of Spring’s eminent arrival is worthy of noting!!

I have some plans for spring shoots, projects that need to be done around the house, inside and out, AND we will be graduating our oldest this May! So many exciting things coming up around here, and I am ready to get back to documenting it all! Are you ready and excited for Spring?

Welcome back! So glad the three of you are still here reading my posts!

I have noticed a trend, something that I see is becoming more wide spread, and I find it rather alarming. People often avoid things that are unpleasant, things that are hard to fathom let alone process, and things that may make us more accountable to ourselves and each other. I was once naive to think it was a trait shared only by children and immature people, the older I have gotten, I realize that is not the case.

We are in a time of “high vibes”, “positive vibes only”, etc.. Where can you look on social media and not see one of these things, or a meme of related message, or someone insisting this is what they are looking to achieve, be, embody, what not? Everyone is looking for rays of sunshine in Hurricane Katrina like storms these days, and they are ready to write off anything and anyone that is not “vibing high” with them. My question is this: what if it isn’t all sunshine and roses because we are too busy avoiding anything that looks like work, responsibility, accountability and understanding?

People do not like the things that makes them uncomfortable. People do not like to look at the things that make them feel helpless or small. People do not like negativity, hurt, or hate. People do not like looking within themselves when these things may all or partially apply. Simply put, people don’t like being responsible or accountable for the bad things in their lives, when they are the cause by practicing avoidance. Now, I am not saying that good and bad is in direct correlation with each other, but what I am saying is that you cannot have truly great things in life by avoiding the bad, at least not consistently and not with any real staying power. When we only focus on the surface, the happy, jolly times, and we never learn to deal with the bad, negative things that make us sad, unhappy or uncomfortable, this can manifest in ways that rob us of our true potential for ourselves and our lives. So what and where is our starting point?

I believe you should always start at the beginning. Why are you the way you are, what shaped you, what influenced you and the big one, what influenced, shaped and moulded the things that had all those impacts on you? Do you understand the whys, hows, and outcomes/manifestations? If you avoid looking into your self, in to the things that make you, you, you are never going to experience or embody true freedom of soul, nor resonating on a higher level. You need to have a deep understanding of yourself, learn to release what was, do not avoid looking at what makes you uncomfortable and what may have influenced you more than you care to admit, but sit with it, release it and move forward.

Once you have done all of this digging and sorting out(yes, be a soul archaeologist!), look at your choices in life you have made. Please do us both a favor and realize WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. No one is perfect, we all make bad, poor, selfish, delusional, or messed up choices. Accept that you are human, you are not perfect, you are good enough, and at the end, you are still responsible. We can’t avoid the consequences of our choices, our words, our actions, but hear me loud and clear, when you stop avoiding the actions and feelings associated with the past, and start forgiving yourself, loving yourself, you will find there is less negativity and strife in your life. Again, this doesn’t negate the challenges and struggles life throws at you, but it sure as hell cuts down on the bad stuff you have to deal with, frees up more of your life and energy for the good things!

I have read a ton of self help material over the years, I continue to do so to this day. I always say if I am not growing and learning, then I am dead, this includes growing and learning as a person. I read a book about removing self ego, around 20 years ago, this book came in to my life when I was ready for it, and it resonated greatly with me. It discussed the merits of rising above yourself, to your higher self where you are detached from ego, the source of all your suffering. This book discussed how we create our own miseries, due to the lower self being attached to self ego, the past, things that have already happened or the choices already made. The book challenged you to release the past, to see how holding on to past offenses was attached to your ego, thus not serving your higher soul self, but actually holding on to the negative, lower sense of self and justifying your current place of suffering. How I wish I could find that book so I could share the title with you all, because honestly, I think everyone would benefit from reading it, it would end a lot of negative cycles that affect us individually, and those around us we suck in to the cycle.

I have found myself in a lower place, a place that is somehow attached to ego, but not my own. I have forgotten so much of what I have learned, but you know what? I stopped avoiding the truth, and remembered. I am not looking to “vibe higher” or to have “positive vibes only” around me, I am looking to keep my ego detached so I don’t suffer, so I can enjoy more of the good things in life, so I can take those people with attached ego in stride. How about you, are you avoiding anything?

What if we did the opposite?

With everything in life, there is a balance, sometimes that requires us to make major moves or minor tweaks. We do these things with attaining or maintaining equilibrium in mind, never with the intention of losing our footing and subsequently falling. I want to tell myself this is what all people think, but I know this just isn’t the case. We often sabotage ourselves either not realizing that is what we are doing, fully knowing what we are doing and just can’t seem to stop ourselves and sometimes we are paralyzed by fear to change what we know is terrible for us.

I just had a conversation with my kids about people that struggle, yet the struggles are largely self imposed. Now, this was not me talking to my kids as a lecture or parent talk, but was a subject broached by my eldest, that the youngest weighed in on, and that I pointed out something that neither touched. We all need to learn life lessons, and that often comes with struggles, and yes largely we are the lesson to be learned. How do we get out of our own way? How do we identify that we are the problem? How do we expect to have what we want when we can’t even see around ourselves?

This last question is not saying self absorbed, but seriously about getting out of our own way to proceed with learning and ultimately success within and for ourselves. I believe we all struggle with this at some point in our lives, some people their whole lives, and other people until something shakes up their life. Have you been there? And are you also saying, “which time?”, lol?

I admit I have done this, I still do it in some ways with certain things, if I am honest, one big thing. I know I am standing in my own way, I know why I am standing in my own way. I know the justifications I give myself, and I know that it is all one big lie I tell myself because I am being too kind, understanding and compassionate about it.

In regards to this, I have lost my balance completely, I have fallen off the proverbial beam more times than I care to count. I keep getting back on knowing that it isn’t a goal to stay on the beam, but to not lose my ability to keep getting back on the beam. So what if I did the opposite? What if I went in the other direction with my actions in regard to this? What if I started think of my thoughts and feelings on the other end of the spectrum? How do I even feel about this?

I kind of feel weird to be honest, a little uncomfortable, a lot intrigued and somewhat lighter in my feelings about it. Why not? Why not?? WHY NOT??? This is something that I have contemplated, trying the opposite of what doesn’t work, serve me, or make me happy, and to be honest, I thought I couldn’t do it. But to be frank, the current methodology is not working, so what could I possibly stand to lose by taking a chance on this new balancing act, failure?

Ah, but see, I have already admitted to falling off the beam multiple times, knowing my tactic will fail me every time. Why not just admit that it is ridiculous and not productive to keep using the same method that keeps failing? Why not change my approach and way of thinking about it, way of looking at it? What is the worst that can happen, I develop a new bad habit that proves useless? I am already there, so I might as well make a major move, some minor tweaks and see if I can’t find some much needed balance with this topic?

Then it sinks in. If I go the opposite way, it means I will succeed, I will be forced to look at why I have purposely failed all the attempts before. Because that’s what I have done. I have failed of my own accord, and I know why I have. The dawning is always hard to come to terms with, when you realize that YOU are the reason you are frustrated, falling, failing yourself.

No matter how much you want to exhaust yourself getting back up on that beam, stop and think about it before you do. Be as honest with yourself as you possibly can be, if you get back up there, are you serving your highest good? Is it in your best interest, or will it cause the inevitable loop of negativity that you think mounting that beam with that same old can do attitude can actually fix? I think we both know the answer to that. Settle in yourself for a while and reflect on it all.

I want to be honest with you, I feel I need an answer to something out of my control, several answers in fact. But instead of getting upset, frustrated, or feeling out of control about it, I think I will just stand next to the beam, maybe walk beside it for a while. Who knows, maybe I will just walk away from the beam realizing that I am pretty darn balanced with both feet on the ground, on my own two legs. Maybe I don’t need an answer because I already have one, and maybe I was only unbalanced by my own doing? I think I will try doing the opposite, see how it goes. I can always come back to that beam after all!

If you have read the last several things posted here at The Photographist Life, you may be wondering why the desire to write and share what all has been said and laid out there for the world to witness is being done. Healing my friends, healing is the answer.

We were not seeking to heal ourselves through writing, truthfully we started healing individually and in our relationship way before we ever wrote a word. We wrote our pieces because we were well into healing, and wanted people to know they could heal from similar too. We chose not to be silent about our struggles, our failures if you will, but instead to own our stories and to forge a new path, separately and together for the benefit of others to see and feel comfortable enough to talk to us if they were struggling too.

I am no expert nor authority on relationships of any kind, I only know what I was seeking, what was not working for me, and what my husband was struggling with and what he now seeks. We are both good with where we have been, we are at peace with that period in our lives, we are not living out of the past, but being present every day, and approaching the future with hope and love, for ourselves, and each other. That does not mean we think “we’ve made it”, or that we’ll have a fairytale ending, but instead it means we are operating more from the same page, with the same intention to communicate better, more effectively.

I often feel the need to defend myself, and I know why. He feels the need to be defensive and combative, and he knows why. We both know our own struggles, the big and small whys, we both work on ourselves and how it all relates to “us”. We are human, beautifully damaged and flawed, but we are also healed/healing and everyday becoming better versions of ourselves, the best is yet to unfold.

I hope this post finds you well, and honest with yourself. Clarity, happiness, healing and peace to you all!

Write your story,

Write what you know.

Include details that are gory,

So you can release and then grow.

Your soul isn’t for everyone,

And everyone isn’t for you.

Sometimes you wish you could put in to words,

But then again people might get confused.

Your story is yours, and yours alone,

Life is a journey of what you have sown.

So make good decisions and don’t ask for opinions,

Because as it turns out, most people are minions.

Go live your life and have lots of fun,

Worst case write poetry that has no rhyme or reason.