That’s it. That is the the answer, that is the crux. All you need is LOVE. Truth: Not all people actually know what love is. They define love, under the illusions and conditioning of loyalty, a sense of normalcy, and the experience of their own initial source of love which was not love but conformity through order…when in reality, that is precisely what their love conveys.

Today I was telling two friends about Brooke’s recent experience of toxic love from a relative, and they felt the same way as we did. If you haven’t seen or interacted with someone in 7 years, and you force them to talk to you, or even to hug you, that is a violation of personal space for one, a violation of a person’s safety for two, and a show of control/dominance for three, you are not displaying love, you are displaying toxicity. What Bill and I witnessed after the incident, which we were not present at, was what mattered most. It was an outpouring of love, care and concern.

Brooke was hysterical, visibly shaken, feeling very hurt. Her friends did not hesitate to come listen to her, to gently speak to her, to kindly place a hand on her shoulder, to look at her with empathy and compassion. These are people she sees and speaks to at least 5 days a week, for at minimum, 9 months a year. These are people in her life, showing her love, patiently, kindly, caringly. These people know love. These people conveyed love.

This is not to say that Brooke can’t handle tough words, harsh words or brutal honesty, she can and does accept this. She can be spoken to by strangers, as she is regularly through work. Brooke is capable of speaking to, and with, adults of varying ages, lives and associations, as she does daily. These people are not trying to control, demean or hurt Brooke or anyone through Brooke, they are simply interacting. To imply that just talking to Brooke hurt’s her delicate feelings is just another example of a lack of love, it is meant to hurt.

Love is not hurt. Love does not hurt. Love is not speaking hatefully to, or about another, and then expecting them to want to be around you. That is disgusting behavior, toxic behavior, and in all honestly, is pretty damn hateful. That is not love.

Perhaps we need to show compassion for those folks of this nature, some empathy towards them…and I think we all do or have enough. Just because your parents treated you that way, does not mean that is acceptable behavior, warranted behavior, or loving behavior. It is behavior that needs a serious overhaul, dissected, and eliminated. It has no place in the future, and if you don’t understand it, then you need to accept the fallout and consequences from it.

This is the last post on this subject for a while. I think we have covered a lot of ground, discussed the merits of generational trauma and healing, toxic behaviors and overcoming those, and how the foundation of love can make the world a better place, if only in your corner of the world. Drop me a line, let me know if you are a self healer that breaks generational trauma, I would love to know!

Okay, so we won’t really talk about all the things that stress me, but let’s talk about stress in relation to this week’s topic…family. If you were born, you are guaranteed to have some sort of stress due to people at some point in time. Those same people that had you, probably suffered stress before you came along, and after you were born. It is ridiculous to think there would, could, or should never be stress when you are a live human.

While human stress is a given, family stress is a given too. We want to please our parents or guardians, we want to defy them, we want to challenge what they lay out as normal and acceptable, and we damn sure want to be heard and seen when we do it. Ah, but what we really want to be taught? Mutual respect, unconditional love, acceptance of ourselves and others.

When there is an absence of mutual respect, love and acceptance, it sets everyone up for a ton of stress, discord, disdain, and absence. A ton of stress. TON. And when we encounter that stress due to a lack of the afore mentioned things, we can either walk away and go silent, or we can stay, endure, decrease our happiness become pawns of others, suffer endlessly and unreasonably, become abusive, or we may even cause constant strife for others as a way to release those feelings ourselves. Sounds pretty dumb to me.

So, what should we do when family causes us such emotional distress or long term stress? We can try to address it for clarification, comprehension and change, we can endure it knowing that it may never change, or we can chart our own course, after all, no one owns us, and we do not fulfill another’s identity. If you are not indebted to a family member for real, you are free to move on or move about YOUR business.

How do we combat this stress, whether we stay and grow, endure or go? Talking to a qualified professional is a great start, they can help you with coping mechanisms, for all scenarios! Exercise is a great way to relieve the tension, get those endorphins going for release on a cellular level. Rest is a good thing, stress is exhausting! Proper hydration and nutrition plays a part, in the fact that it keeps us nourished and healthy, stress does a hell of a number on your immune system. And one that I personally like and need, creation. When we create, it provides joy, release, and the importance of completion.

Family stress so often leaves us feeling unfulfilled, incomplete, sad/upset, unloved. If people would only strive to work through things, to meet others where they need to be met and not where one demands it, people would probably have a lot less problems and fall out. Again, mutual respect, unconditional love, and acceptance. Radical concepts, difficult tasks, unrealistic expectations…not at all, just hard for those that have no clue.

Drop me a line, let me know if you have gotten anything from this past week’s talks. I know I sure have. I was managing my stress well, after working so hard to overcome where it had gotten me, and now I am experiencing physical set backs because of it. Time to cut some more things from life!

I have been asked to address the topic of ownership/identity as it applies to familial ties, and that is what we will do.

Your children are often a source of pride, and sometimes a source of disappointment. While this is not really accurate, some people see it as such, their identity is so deeply tied to their children, that it almost becomes a point of ownership. And in that assumption of ownership, there is a feeling of entitlement that seemingly permits the parent to dictate what their offspring does, says, becomes. This can and will keep going through the generations if it is not addressed and swiftly dealt with.

When Bill and I were getting married, his dad asked my mom “how do you control them now?”. My mom replied, “Ha! You don’t and good luck controlling her.”. You could say that I am a free spirit with a healthy distaste for control. I am a bit of a rebel too, in that I think on my own, at least half way intelligently. More so, my parents actually did a good job of making me understand that actions have consequences, and when I overstepped in my actions, I suffered the consequences. This really made me in to a person with a ton of self discipline, probably too much, as it made me have super high expectations of myself, but I think we have all learned as we have grown what is too much, and we can step back from that.

I don’t hold this having of expectations from me, against my parents, and I see how that helped me become a responsible, capable person. I was given just the right amount of expectation, coupled with the freedom to be stupid so I could make bad decisions and learn from them. Again, consequences. My parents understood well that my idiocy was not a reflection on them, more so my age, my maturity, my experience level of life. This is one thing I deeply value about my parents, the freedoms they gave me to succeed, fail, learn and grow!

When my dad and I have had some conversations in the past about expectations, I had to explain to him how similarly we thought, and that his insistence on the subject was unnecessary and wasteful. All we needed was to communicate and see that we were eye to eye on the subject, which we have gotten better at over the years. We are also at a place that we can tell each other that we can’t discuss a subject when it is clear we think so radically different, saving ourselves hurt feelings and frustration. So how does this relate back to ownership and identity? Pride.

My dad is very proud of his kids, grandkids and his great-Grayson. Part of his identity is in us, in that family is important, invaluable, we stick together, we support each other and we pass down parts of ourselves in the generations. I get that, agree with it, and love that about my dad and my family. However, fulfilling an expectation due to pride, that goes against myself or what I believe, is not pride at all, it is control. There is a difference. Remember, my mom said good luck controlling me, she is, after all, the original Miss Independent, and I love that about her, and love that she fosters that in her grandkids and great.

Telling someone what they will do so it doesn’t reflect badly upon you is control. Expecting someone to meet your needs for your fulfillment, and their detriment, is controlling. Forcing someone to bend to your will is not caring, it is controlling. You can see how controlling someone is ownership based on your identity of who you think you are. This does not provide an iota of respect towards you from the person you control or place expectations on, and maybe it looks good in public, but creates such division, hatred and disrespect in your family circle, to the point that you are not in the picture, people don’t want to be around you, or the only reason why people are around you is because you provide something to them, of a monetary or material value. Wow. This is so toxic and damaging. This is owning someone’s loyalty, feelings and self respect. This is control via expectations, not teaching how to have family pride.

If you find yourself only having an identity through your kids, grandkids or great grandkids, and how they represent you, you probably need to take stock and evaluate things, namely your life. I think a healthy percentage in your identity could be family, but not a majority, that’s really unfair for your offspring and theirs. This post is not about my parents, they are simply an example for certain points of this post, but definitely not all points. If you know them, you know how much pride they have in their family, but it is not their entire identity, nor was it their identity to be my parents as I was growing up, and definitely not now that I am adult. They do take a lot of pride in their grandkids and great, but again, not their defining identity. There is no ownership of their family, and they know this.

Recently, ownership was demonstrated, yet again to my family by other family members. There was only controlling behavior and assumptions of what is acceptable, due to a shortsightedness and ignorance of free will. Bending to the will of another is not choice…bending someone to your will is not giving them a choice. This post is for my husband, and my kids. Learning that life is not about being controlled, but to suffer inherent minor embarrassments, along with the feeling of family pride as a thing of duality, is what makes a family. No one owns you, you owe no one anything, and if anyone tries to control you, walk away, you are not a part of certain things, for a reason and you know it. Love is what matters, and when you love someone, you don’t control them, bend them, or force them to flatter your sense of identity…this is not an ownership, but a free will state-FAMILY.

I am utterly clueless. I have no idea where you are in life, what your journey in life entails, and yet, I talk to you every time as if you know where I am, where I have been, what I have learned and how I have grown…at least in certain areas of my life. I speak to you, as if you know, as if you are privy to the same ideas, realizations and epiphanies as me, mainly because you are, but also, this is to spark you. We probably don’t spend enough time questioning ourselves, our experiences and our interactions. We leave it up to those before us to educate us, and that’s fine, it’s gotten us this far…but the state of the world today shows you just that, it really isn’t fine, and where exactly are we going?

That is a bit heavy to ponder today, instead, we’ll shift and focus on one simple thought. Personal growth. We had an interaction with Brooke this morning, and she acknowledged that she was getting frustrated and upset. We assured her that adult life is not without conflict, it isn’t always saying pretty and nice words to keep the peace, but a direct approach is key, invaluable, and truly the best method. She is learning this at 17. Avery, sent us a piece from Spotify to listen to, it conveys and portrays some lifestyle differences in people, places they are from or live. The significance of me mentioning this, is that a couple years ago, we were all the same from Chillicothe-as told to her by a professor. Bill and I attempted to inform her on all the differences, and how those things are assets, not hindrances, and to collectively group people based on where they are from, is dangerous, if not ignorant. To closely examine the differences within a region is more so the point. We all are different and bring different things to the table. Assets.

Personal growth is realizing that you are not good at facing conflict and that you may need to examine more closely how you can improve, and why you take such offense at someone saying what you know to be true. Personal growth is also realizing that your professor from California made a generality, but also ignorantly placed opinion where facts belong. Personal growth is saying, I am clueless about your life, but I will speak to you about mine, what similarities we may possess, or how our demographics may bind us with similar experiences. Personal growth is predicated on an open mind for thought and examination of our selves.

We could discuss this topic further, but I am just a spark today, having been sparked by others. Tell me, have you found a spark recently that caused you personal growth or evolution of yourself? Drop me a line, I would love to know!

Nope, you aren’t a golfer, therefore you don’t need any irons. And since you don’t have any irons, you definitely don’t need to put those in the fire. You get where this is going today, let’s drive on!😉

I remember a fellow massage therapist once described a mutual friend as having too many irons in the fire. I thought, well yeah, she has 3 kids that are all very active, her business, her husband’s business, and her asshole of a husband, plus other things she was involved with as well. If anyone had a lot of irons, it was her, and they for sure were in the fire, a constant barrage of activity, commitment and stress. I always wondered how she managed so well…and then I watched her fall apart. Little did I know that I would lead myself to a similar place.

A few years ago, I told a few clients that I needed to start doing more, I wasn’t doing enough. Although I said this to them separately, they all reacted the same way, as if I stabbed them with a hot poker and they were in shock. They all got visibly upset with me, but more so, they got angry. At me? With me? For me? I don’t really know. They all let me have it though, told me I was plenty busy and that I didn’t need to add anything else, I was going to wear myself down. Onward I trudged because, well, I knew I was capable of adding more. Who were they to tell me about my irons?

Yes well, they are all in their 60s and 70s. I suppose I should have immediately conceded to their wisdom, but instead, I paused, considered it, and kept going because I could, because I had to, because no one else was going to what needed to be done. You know, over time when you are so high functioning, you stop realizing why you are high functioning, you stop thinking about being highly capable, and you become your own worst enemy that cracks the whip and says MUSH! And hey, you wouldn’t hurt you, so you keep going!

Eventually, you realize that you are having a hard time functioning, like, sitting and watching the wall all day is a very viable option, sounds super nice in fact! And the more you push yourself, the less functioning you become. And what the hell is self care? And what kind of lazy individual does that? And why are people so resistant to working??? Who has time for fun??? What even is fun anymore, going to bed early and sleeping 10 hours??? And why do I even need to associate with people??? LOL!!! Oh I can laugh about myself now!

It all came to a screeching halt one day. My husband realized where I was at, and had been encouraging me for a long while to just quit everything and take some time for myself. How in the world could I do that when he was the biggest driving force of stress that I had?!? And the more he said take time off, the worse it all got. Until one day, I realized why I started being so highly functioning, and then I quit work the very same day.

I sat and stared at the wall for a month. I was numb, I was decompressing. I was alone with myself and I was shocked by what drove me for so long, in a multitude of ways. I felt like all those irons had been forged through my youth, into adulthood, and I then joined the circus and made it a tragic comedy to top it all off. The second month, I got very angry. By that time, my husband was coming in to his own life, shedding old things that no longer served him, things that had obscured his vision before, was now gone and we were healing separately, but together. Talk about a rough patch, our kids were having their own epiphanies and it was a complete chaotic, growing, healing mess!

By the third month, I started to panic. Eh, I panicked the whole time. I worried I would never work again, what if I couldn’t handle it? God constantly said to me, with hand on hip, “I told you to rest, now stop worrying and just do it.” I know that I am meant to trust, and rest when needed, but what if…no, put it down, give it to God. And I did. I gave it all to God. He also asked me why I continued to do the things I was tasked with, way after I was done. I was amused and bewildered to discover that I was in fact done with those things. I put it all down and walked away. I started doing the things I am now meant to do.

I started spending time with select friends, and they always had a message, and more often than not, a similar story. It always amazes me when that happens, yet I am not surprised at all. We are exactly where we are meant to be. I always believed that my husband and I would either meet up in time, or we wouldn’t. And while we are not quite at a meeting place, we are at least in the same ocean, heading towards each other now. My kids are also in the ocean with us, some currents still need to be navigated, but we are charting similar courses, so it will be alright!

Back to those irons. I often worry that I will start to get too deep or too involved with things, but I remind myself of what I said before I took time to rest, I can decide how much and what pace I go. If I trust, it will all work out. And so far, I have amazed myself at how well it is going. I can’t even remember why I panicked, I knew it would work out, if I surrendered and trusted. I know this chapter, this journey, this course, will definitely not involve too many irons in the fire, in fact I pitched those irons. Now, I just need to float on, dock occasionally, survey and explore the land when needed, find the beauty in all I see, keep my eyes focused forward, and build a new place to be. I am so happy to be where I am, and I never thought I would be here!

In a nutshell? I was doing WAAAY too much. I had no support system at all, just a lot of expectations, the biggest being from myself, and yet when I examined where that came from, I realized I was doing way more than those that had taught me those self expectations, those that placed those expectations on me, and those that benefitted from the expectations. That was mind blowing. I became a bit defiant, but a whole lot stronger in my personal boundaries. And let me tell you, a boundary will tell you exactly who and what you are for others. 😅

Drop me a line, are you where you want to be? Are you functioning? Do you have an iron in the fire, or maybe too many? Do you have an inferno?? How are your boundaries?? Let me know, we’ll chat about it!

Yes, this is where I am, where I have been trying to be for so long, where I intentionally walk towards every day. Enduring difficult personalities has cost me a lot. Peace has been hard won. I had to take a break, to take a step back, to let go and eliminate what didn’t belong. If you don’t belong in the building phase, you won’t find yourself watching me do it.

Do you know those people that you address issues with, and their follow up is typically, “Well you aren’t perfect either!”? Let’s address those folks, shall we? This won’t hurt a bit, but then it might.

There is no such thing as perfection. Whew! I said it. 😅 No one is perfect! What a relief!!! Perfect practice, indeed, does not make for perfection! Let’s put that old lie to rest too! You know why the illusion of perfection is just that, an illusion? It is sadly a way to get the best and the most out of human beings, and typically for someone else’s benefit. Once upon a time, these sayings and phrases weren’t just common place, they are what drove so many people to perform for attention, love and accolades. Oof, thankfully we aren’t in that place anymore!

What would you think if I said, do your best! That seems like there is an out attached to that, but is there really? What if someone’s best when they choose is utter garbage, but when they are expected to be perfect is pretty damn good? No harm, no foul, right? Wrong. The internalization that people then have becomes a dangerous animal, either waiting to attack, or waiting to be slayed, sometimes both at the same time. Instead of pushing someone to their best, we end up pushing them to abuse towards others, doing them to repeat the same patterns and cycles, or we are preparing them for mental collapse. So, how do you drive people?

Any good leader knows that perfection is an act, an illusion, and typically there is some really shit behavior behind it. A good leader knows how to get people to healthily compete with themselves, they know how to take the best parts of someone, and make them better through guidance and mentoring, there is also and underlying understanding and patience to trust the process, to understand there is a process, and to know when or how to accelerate the process. In that, a good leader also knows when there is a call for downtime too. Did we get off topic of perfection? Not at all.

See, a person that is pushing you to “perfection”, isn’t a leader. They are probably a micromanager…they need to control your actions or steps, or the input given in order to get you where they need you to go. A leader teaches, guides, mentors, makes corrections when needed. Oof, makes corrections?! Can you take corrections? Can you be taught? A good leader also knows that they have to say what needs said, in order for them to help you. It may not be what they want to say to you, and it definitely may not be what you want to hear, but if you truly want to be better, your best, you listen to what the leader tells you. You can mull it over, you can digest, and maybe you think they are wrong, but if you trust that they are telling you for your betterment, and none of their benefit, then you can have a more open heart and mind about their words.

How does this tie in to the act of perfection? Well, when you cannot accomplish what another expects of you, you start to act like you can, and are in fact doing those things. You are creating the illusion through doing what is expected on the surface, or that pleases the other person. You start to cut corners and cheat, because you are simply doing what this ineffective person is deeming as your perfection…they are teaching you, training you, and manipulating you into the act of perfection. They are not only NOT good leaders, they are not leaders at all, but folks on a power trip that are pushing their traumatic narrative on you. Their lack, or act of perfection, then becomes your own. Basically, their fulfillment is at YOUR cost.

This week, we clearly need to lay some things out here. Do you have anything you would like to discuss, or approach with others? Drop me a line, let me know, we can discuss it!

We get one shot at this life. We can make the most of it, or we can squander it away. I won’t lie, I absolutely love the fact that we as humans love a good come back story. I think the reason for this is that we do come back, we do grow, we do change, we do morph, and we do become differing versions of ourselves. However, in order for this to happen, we must die a bit in some way.

As you can gather from my post yesterday, some of those little deaths require us to let go of the past, of our childish tendencies, of our familial ties, of and when necessary. When those close to us, those old versions of ourselves, keep having the expectation for us to remain the same for their comfort, or ideals, it keeps us trapped, unable to change, grow, and emerge as a better version of ourselves, it keeps us traumatized. The option to become your better, best, self, is squelched, killed, or required to cause self harm or self betrayal. You my friend, always have an option, but it requires sacrifice, discomfort and often a ton of fallout. This is not for you to worry about, this is for others to accept, and then to make a decision for themselves if they can change and grow too, or if they will squander time with you away.

As a parent, you get such a short time to mold, shape, and guide your kids. You get a small fraction of their lives to be guaranteed time with them. You have to acknowledge and know, that nothing is definite as far as how they will have you be a part of their life, after they no longer need you. With this in mind, you have to form a bond of high quality while you have them in your immediate care. The reason, you are not guaranteed anything from the people you opted to bring in to this world, that was your choice, so you best make the most of that choice, and treat them like the blessings they are. This applies to your kids and your grandkids. Effort must be made for you to have a relationship with them. Demanding and forcing people to do what you want, is completely asinine, out of the question, and ignorant of you to assume.

Does the past decide the future? Yes, it sure does. Does the past dictate the future? Not necessarily. If you opt to change and grow, evolve if you will, people have the option to meet you at this evolved place, by choice. If you stay the same as you have always been, but the other person grows, you can meet them where they are, by choice. If one person is changing, growing, evolving, and the other person is not, it is almost impossible for there to be clarity as a whole. One person’s growth should not be limited, due to the other person’s ability to, or not do so. This is when people choose to move on, and rightfully so. Why would you keep returning to a bad situation just because the other person prefers it, expects it, and considers it normal? That sounds ridiculous, because it is, along with being unrealistic, selfish, and probably extremely mentally unhealthy, sometimes abusive.

When you rise from a situation such as this, you will find those little deaths required, were for your benefit, as well as the other person. It then becomes obvious that the choice to change, grow, evolve, is always present for us all, but not all will choose that. If the payoff to remain the same is greater for them, that is where they will remain…and that is their choice. The consequence of their choice, is their’s too. Let the past remain dead, you have moved on, been renewed, and have more growing to do.

September is Suicide Awareness month, it is best to acknowledge, deal with, and heal from the trauma, the trauma bonds, the attachments to mental distress.

Written yesterday, with dread in mind.

We all have difficult and toxic people in our lives, people we have not interacted with for years. Absence can give you a reason to self reflect and change, or it can harden your heart even further. Communication and understanding is key. Boundaries are for everyone, and you do not have certain rights, just because you assume you are entitled. If you purposely say things to inflict harm or strike fear in another, your goal is not happiness, reconciliation, harmony, or love, it is control, manipulation and expectation. Take a moment to ask yourself why, and how you could go about things in a much better, productive way.

Today is such a test. SUCH A TEST. I am not passing, I don’t think, but I am being reminded that I have to let go of the fact that some people really are small, petty, ignorant and just down right selfish. This is not for me to worry about, what will be will be, and this too shall pass.

I am not responsible for the choices you made in the past, that affect your todays.

I don’t have to have an opinion on what outcomes affect you, based on your decisions.

I don’t have to hold your feelings, because you are hurt by your actions.

I refuse to be the person you think I am, I will continue to choose to be the person I actually am.

I release any and all negative or ill feelings you prompt of, and in me, in regards to your limitations.

I am not bound by your ignorance.

If you don’t like things, look in the mirror. You created this situation for yourself. Now, this applies to me in the sense that I put up with it. I can’t be upset if I am a part of the problem.

By removing myself, I am saying I want no part of the problem. I don’t have to hate, bash, or speak ill of others, I will leave that to you.

I do not have time for your regrets. I do not have room for your sorrows. I don’t have the desire to be near your energy of bad choices.

If you think that a parent would keep their kids from you as a grandparent, then one of two things is happening here. You are either toxic and you know your kid’s choice to keep grandkids from you is warranted, or, you are so petty and immature that you would keep your kids away from their grandparents as a form of punishment. Either way is telling. Free will exists, by the way.

Forcing someone to interact with you is not a choice. It is force. Allowing someone to choose whether they want to interact with you or not is just that, their choice, not a permission, but a choice.

Nobody owes you anything. You chose to have kids, they chose to have kids too. No one owes you anything simply because of a choice you made, get over yourself.

Right now is the time for those that want to free themselves from expectation and trauma bonds, to do so. If someone in your life makes you feel trapped, unheard, or bound to them by what family is supposed to endure or be like, take the pause, ask yourself if you would do that to others. Ask yourself if you like these things from others. Ask yourself what your payoff for putting up with it is. Ask yourself if this is the example you want to set for the generations after you. It is time for people to understand there is a shift occurring, a generational healing. You are either a part of that, healing, or not. And if you aren’t, ask yourself why not. Stop blaming others for the consequences of your choices.

A couple days ago, Sonny was playing and ripped a nail down at the nail bed of his paw. He was limping and crying, so we knew he needed to head to the vet. He also added an additional back leg limp when his dad got home from out of town work this week. Yesterday, he and Bill headed off to the vet, this is the result, a Sonflower.

As you can see, he is somehow managing, although the cone is now not only a weapon, but an extended apparatus to smack us all with, to make sure we do his bidding. If you see us all looking haggard today, just understand the sleepless night of constant pacing we all endured last night.

Drop me a line, let me know if you ever had a pet with a cone/collar. I would love to share some laughs over this today!