8 to Fall-You aren’t a golfer…

Nope, you aren’t a golfer, therefore you don’t need any irons. And since you don’t have any irons, you definitely don’t need to put those in the fire. You get where this is going today, let’s drive on!😉

I remember a fellow massage therapist once described a mutual friend as having too many irons in the fire. I thought, well yeah, she has 3 kids that are all very active, her business, her husband’s business, and her asshole of a husband, plus other things she was involved with as well. If anyone had a lot of irons, it was her, and they for sure were in the fire, a constant barrage of activity, commitment and stress. I always wondered how she managed so well…and then I watched her fall apart. Little did I know that I would lead myself to a similar place.

A few years ago, I told a few clients that I needed to start doing more, I wasn’t doing enough. Although I said this to them separately, they all reacted the same way, as if I stabbed them with a hot poker and they were in shock. They all got visibly upset with me, but more so, they got angry. At me? With me? For me? I don’t really know. They all let me have it though, told me I was plenty busy and that I didn’t need to add anything else, I was going to wear myself down. Onward I trudged because, well, I knew I was capable of adding more. Who were they to tell me about my irons?

Yes well, they are all in their 60s and 70s. I suppose I should have immediately conceded to their wisdom, but instead, I paused, considered it, and kept going because I could, because I had to, because no one else was going to what needed to be done. You know, over time when you are so high functioning, you stop realizing why you are high functioning, you stop thinking about being highly capable, and you become your own worst enemy that cracks the whip and says MUSH! And hey, you wouldn’t hurt you, so you keep going!

Eventually, you realize that you are having a hard time functioning, like, sitting and watching the wall all day is a very viable option, sounds super nice in fact! And the more you push yourself, the less functioning you become. And what the hell is self care? And what kind of lazy individual does that? And why are people so resistant to working??? Who has time for fun??? What even is fun anymore, going to bed early and sleeping 10 hours??? And why do I even need to associate with people??? LOL!!! Oh I can laugh about myself now!

It all came to a screeching halt one day. My husband realized where I was at, and had been encouraging me for a long while to just quit everything and take some time for myself. How in the world could I do that when he was the biggest driving force of stress that I had?!? And the more he said take time off, the worse it all got. Until one day, I realized why I started being so highly functioning, and then I quit work the very same day.

I sat and stared at the wall for a month. I was numb, I was decompressing. I was alone with myself and I was shocked by what drove me for so long, in a multitude of ways. I felt like all those irons had been forged through my youth, into adulthood, and I then joined the circus and made it a tragic comedy to top it all off. The second month, I got very angry. By that time, my husband was coming in to his own life, shedding old things that no longer served him, things that had obscured his vision before, was now gone and we were healing separately, but together. Talk about a rough patch, our kids were having their own epiphanies and it was a complete chaotic, growing, healing mess!

By the third month, I started to panic. Eh, I panicked the whole time. I worried I would never work again, what if I couldn’t handle it? God constantly said to me, with hand on hip, “I told you to rest, now stop worrying and just do it.” I know that I am meant to trust, and rest when needed, but what if…no, put it down, give it to God. And I did. I gave it all to God. He also asked me why I continued to do the things I was tasked with, way after I was done. I was amused and bewildered to discover that I was in fact done with those things. I put it all down and walked away. I started doing the things I am now meant to do.

I started spending time with select friends, and they always had a message, and more often than not, a similar story. It always amazes me when that happens, yet I am not surprised at all. We are exactly where we are meant to be. I always believed that my husband and I would either meet up in time, or we wouldn’t. And while we are not quite at a meeting place, we are at least in the same ocean, heading towards each other now. My kids are also in the ocean with us, some currents still need to be navigated, but we are charting similar courses, so it will be alright!

Back to those irons. I often worry that I will start to get too deep or too involved with things, but I remind myself of what I said before I took time to rest, I can decide how much and what pace I go. If I trust, it will all work out. And so far, I have amazed myself at how well it is going. I can’t even remember why I panicked, I knew it would work out, if I surrendered and trusted. I know this chapter, this journey, this course, will definitely not involve too many irons in the fire, in fact I pitched those irons. Now, I just need to float on, dock occasionally, survey and explore the land when needed, find the beauty in all I see, keep my eyes focused forward, and build a new place to be. I am so happy to be where I am, and I never thought I would be here!

In a nutshell? I was doing WAAAY too much. I had no support system at all, just a lot of expectations, the biggest being from myself, and yet when I examined where that came from, I realized I was doing way more than those that had taught me those self expectations, those that placed those expectations on me, and those that benefitted from the expectations. That was mind blowing. I became a bit defiant, but a whole lot stronger in my personal boundaries. And let me tell you, a boundary will tell you exactly who and what you are for others. 😅

Drop me a line, are you where you want to be? Are you functioning? Do you have an iron in the fire, or maybe too many? Do you have an inferno?? How are your boundaries?? Let me know, we’ll chat about it!

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