Two years, a lifetime and eternity

We are in interesting times, my friend. Two years ago at this time, we really had no idea what was coming, what was about to happen, and how it would hit the fan. Ignorance was bliss for many, in a lot of ways, and to tell you the truth, those days are over. But what does that mean?

Truthfully, we all transition through many challenging times in our lives. We start as kids that become adults, having no cares to being responsible, maybe we get married and have kids, perhaps we focus on our careers, a lot of us do both, or more, whatever we do, we have a lot of changes that make us pause, consider and then move according to our choice of direction. This is not really one of those times, this is different, things are shifting to lessen the load of ignorance, and to force us in to acceptance, responsibility, accountability.

Those words, acceptance, responsibility, accountability, really will apply to us all, and in turn, we will need to hold others to the same. Here is the really difficult part, most people are struggling with that because they have no idea what those words *actually* mean. Some may think having a job embodies those words, yes, but not quite. Some think teaching their children to love and accept all people is what they mean, yeah, but not quite. Others think it is about getting everyone on the same page…this could be true, OR, it could be extremely false, and again, not quite. “So Erin, what do you think it means???”

I know it means that we need to collectively, consciously heal from our traumas, starting at our childhood, working through our formative years, and taking us through where we have been, to where we are. This should be what we all work through at some point in our lives, so that we may truly be free. “That’s just how it is.” “You know how they are.” “That’s just my personality.” Hell to the no. You aren’t an asshole just because it is your personality, you didn’t come out of the womb that way, you had experiences and conditioning that made you that way, so stop making excuses for yourself and become aware, accept, claim responsibility and be accountable.

Many people have no idea about themselves, about this phenomenon I speak of. Most people are given reasons why they are the way they are, they accept it as facts, and then it is a crutch the rest of their lives. And do you know what this does? It perpetuates the cycle to continue from one generation to the next. So how does this relate to the last 2 years? We have all been under the influence of abusers gaslighting the daylights out of us, they continue to do so for their gain. For many people, this is being done without their consent or knowledge, it has triggered old, unhealed trauma, and has heaped on much more. For those giving consent, they are feeding an abusive cycle that may have already existed in another form in their life, they may or may not know this.

That is a bold statement, I have said and thought this from the beginning, and now more people are waking up to it, acknowledging it, and really accepting what has been done, what is still being done, it is mass psychosis. For those of you still in denial, it is okay, you may or may not get there, but observe objectively if you can…if you cannot, then YOU need to look more closely at your own life, your own experiences and become a little more aware. Maybe you had a perfect childhood/experience, and maybe everything in your life has been great, no baggage or trauma for you? If this is the case, look more closely and see if you are a problem for people, or if you constantly apologize(this is NOT just a sign of introversion)…you may have some things to sort out. So again, how does this connect?

When we are traumatized in any way, our bodies hold on to that, physically, mentally, emotionally. Add sickness, uncertainty, division, segregation, chaos and more to that, well most people will just fold and seek/follow authority figures to help ground themselves in some sort of security. With a bit of research and data, you can hone in on what drives a community, a culture, genders, adults, kids, generations etc., basically we are sitting ducks prime for the plucking. I don’t tell you this to scare you, no, I tell you this with a fire in my eye, saying it’s time to rise! Wake up, and rise.

That statement can be misconstrued, so let me clear it up for you. When I say we need to rise, I mean we need to elevate. We need to heal ourselves and our past for our future, for our kids’ future and for any future generations. We need to acknowledge, accept and process our baggage, we can do this through acceptance, responsibility and accountability, maybe some counseling or therapy. Your dad was a jerk to you when you were a kid? Okay, go back, see why he may have been that way and how he carried that forth with him as an adult. Do you have to accept that was your life, his life? Yes, it is a fact in that it happened. Do you have to accept that behavior of then, and maybe now? NO. Are you a jerk? Do you have to stay in that mindset? NO. You can alter and change what does not serve you or others around you. Oh, and you can change your foundation, of which your life was based. Do you have a good foundation?

Many people base their lives on a faith, religion, or spirituality, many base it on other people. To quote my good friend Lorrie, “If you base your life on changeable things, it makes your life unstable.” People are changeable, situations are changeable, places are changeable, so basing your life on say, your parents marriage being your rock, your foundation, this is bound to cause you issues. Your parents could get a divorce, your parents could have a turbulent relationship, you could have abusive parents and not know it’ll acknowledge it…whew! So much stuff to process with all of that. If you are not hearing what I am saying, stop and question it all.

Just because you didn’t grow up with a stable foundation, does not mean that you can’t have one now. Just because you were taught to rely on people, doesn’t mean they are the foundation for you. Just because someone has the position of authority in your life, does not mean they have your best interest, and they may not be operating from a solid place themselves. AND, they may be totally unaware of how crumbly their own foundation truly is. So, how come I think I can tell you about this? Because I am a self healer that has done the work and sorted this out, twice now.

I have lived an abusive relationship, I have witnessed how the abuse transferred from one generation to the next. I have realized that how I feel, is how my abuser felt, and how his abusers made him feel, and it just transfers down the line…ancestral karma, generational trauma, etc! This is what this is. The Holistic Psychologist said it, “ABUSE IS TRAUMA.”. I have gone back and processed, accepted, my own family stuff, so when another family’s BS got passed to me, I said HELL NO. It stops here. It doesn’t get to permeate my kids, although I know it did to some degrees, and that will then become what they need to process, and what we work on as family, doing better individually and as a unit, we are accountable and responsible with where we are. If my child is struggling because of something I put on them from ancestral, generational crap, I will endure what they need to say, I will hear what they need to say, I will accept that returned to me via expression of words, and I will not shirk accountability nor responsibility. I will own it. So how does that apply to the last two years?

Kids in masks, stunting their development and growth in education, not to mention how traumatizing this is for them to not see faces or expressions, damn this boils my blood, and for adults to say “Kids adapt to it way better than adults!”, is nuts. You sound nuts when you say that. You are teaching kids to accept what has been proven ineffective and unnecessary for THEIR health. You are teaching them to react out of fear, and then you want to say, “well we don’t make the decisions”. So, if I beat you every day, you gonna be okay with it, and when I say my boss told me too, that makes it acceptable??? Wow. No, there is no rock and hard place, you are a pawn and you are going right along with it, for safety. “SAFETY”.

When I ask my husband why he thinks his parents were so controlling, his answer is this, “I think they thought if they controlled everything, including me, it would keep me safe, unhurt and out of trouble.”. You can stop with your assumption that this post is a way to work through his issues, it is not, it is a correlation that what the last 2 years has done, and the fallout of it to this point. It will leave a scar that will painfully have to be sifted through, and that isn’t even taking normal childhood crap in to consideration and it also is grooming the next generation to continue to lose touch with their emotions, as well as the emotions of those around them . How much deeper must that scar be getting now???

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I asked God, why did I go through this abuse, because it is seemingly senseless, and what I got back was this: SO YOU COULD TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT, BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO NEED TO KNOW HOW TO HEAL, HOW TO DEAL, AND HOW TO CHANGE THINGS.

The first step is realizing why you are the way you are, this starts with childhood, why your parents are the way they are, accept their beginnings and experiences, accept they brought that to you, accept you cannot change it, and accept that you make the choice to either stay where you are anchored, maybe where you don’t want to be, or you can choose to move away from it if that is best for you. People who like having control or an energy source, do not like when you remove that from them, so prepare for push back and possible issues. Again, two years…

What is happening in northern North America right now? Push back from the people, and resources being removed from said people…how about all the pictures of bare shelves?? How about quarantining?? How about healthcare and our schools??? What about cargo ships not being able port??? WAKE UP. Abusers will keep taking and abusing the more you give, the more you try to be part of “the solution”, the more compliant you are, the deeper they will dig in your soul, the more you have to heal. Be accepting of facts, and then be responsible and accountable. Do something about it. Breathe some air, smile at someone, hug a friend. is a great resource, we also have some amazing resources in our community to help you heal. I personally couldn’t have gotten to where I am without yoga, but that is what works for me, in addition to all the self work I do. What steps will you take in helping yourself, for your community, for your family and for your nation, this world?

God is not conventional

If you know your Bible, you’ll know what I am speaking of. God often asks us to do the unthinkable, the outlandish, the impossible, the courageous, maybe even the outrageous. Most people may disagree with this, but if you have a relationship with God, odds are you know, can relate, and have a few tales of your own to support this statement. I have some stories myself, but I often struggle to tell them, or I carefully pick who I share those with. Do you pick and chose who you share your God stories with?

I decided at 16 to start following God, I chose to exchange my pain, for his forgiveness, for a better life, and all I have to do is be his messenger. Sounds simple, but when you exchange one life for another, it isn’t free, it isn’t easy, it pushes you, makes you grow and gives you more freedom than you ever imagined possible. And I chose this at 16…my rebirth, my baptism by acceptance and forgiveness. I wasn’t sure how I would do this, if I could do this, but I did know I would fail, get back up, fail again, and so on until I got better at this life, that I chose.

The importance to me is the choosing. Yes I grew up with my grandma reading me the Bible, or discussing lessons from the Bible, but like God, my path has not been one bit of convention. When I accepted God and Jesus into my heat at 16, I asked God to teach me in ways that I would see and learn. I had attended church when I was younger, but that was not how I learned and absorbed the teaching and lessons. I was more of an observer that connected the dots, saw the small details and bigger picture from that process. I like to explore forwards, but backwards first, maybe side to side, then forward. I like to know what has already happened and why, how that affected everything moving forward, and then I do move forward, prepared. So, in my choosing Christ, and choosing my methodology of learning, I feel that if it weren’t acceptable to God, he would have shown me that and let me know. My openness to new things, all things, well, most things, is what I believe God likes about me most, maybe my courage too.

When I said I would be God’s messenger, I was given a vision, snippets of how awkward, unconventional, personal, maybe even intrusive that would be. But I still gladly accepted, as I knew it was the best for me, for my life, and would be better for all around me because of it. One day, I was at the hospital for a family member’s surgery. As I got on the elevator, a woman was crying, I paused so as to not get on the elevator, God pushed me forward. I waited a beat after the doors closed, and I asked the woman if I could hug her. I held her tight, and told her that God loved her. She gasped and clutched me tighter, and as we parted, she looked me in the eyes and told me that she really needed that. I know, God told me you did.

Another day, I was in Walmart, God prompted me to speak to this lady in the makeup aisle. She looked at me with wonder and fear in her eyes, and for an hour, she unburdened herself with what she was carrying. She told me that she could tell I was a good Christian, I blanched at that, told her to please not call me that…Christian. That I was just doing what God asked me to do. She said yes, you are ministering to me, because you are a Christian. I just politely smiled, but rolled my eyes.

I always felt that was not me, not who or what I am, I am just God’s messenger, you know? I always felt that to be a Christian, I must be perfect, I must not have flaws, I must conduct myself in a certain manner, that I must know all the Bible verses, that I must attend Church, if not regularly, then semi regularly, and that I must live as I had been lead to believe that a Christian lives. Whew, thankfully I wasn’t a Christian so no worries about that, and God seemed okay with that, I realize now that patient was what he was. This was probably about 15 years ago.

In 2019, God lead me down a different path, one of seemingly opposing thoughts, beliefs and conviction. I was disbelieving, hesitant, and not so courageous, but God said it was for me, that it was put in my path for my growth and evolvement. So onward I went in to Holistic Witchery, where I rediscovered things I had been taught growing up at my grandma’s right hand, and my mother’s influence. What I soon discovered was that this class was a lot of psychology, a ton of self discovery, and the place in which all of my struggles would be revealed and whether I healed them or not was then my choice…just took me right back to being 16, choosing God, and God is the one that brought me here to learn, grow and heal…unconventionally.

I spent the next 2 years, learning, healing growing, and one day, I had a light bulb moment. This was all the things the Bible had either taught me, alluded to, or that I had yet to learn. My mind was blown. I was looking at Christianity from a very, very skewed perspective, from the perspective of a sinner that couldn’t accept that I was forgiven and that I would never achieve this unrealistic idea I had of Christianity, that no one would achieve, even if they portrayed it.

What I am telling you is this: NO ONE IS A PERFECT Christian. The whole point of Christianity is to live your best each day, knowing that your actual best is yet to come. We are forgiven, but that doesn’t mean that we should consciously choose to do bad things, however, sometimes we don’t know why we do negative things, and so we should look to our past, to start figuring that out, and show ourselves grace while doing that. Before I go down a separate rabbit hole, just know, last year I accepted and admitted that I am a Christian. I never denied God, Jesus, but I denied myself. Sit with that, and think on it. Are you denying yourself, do you or would you recognize if you were? Is something missing in your life? Do you even know you? Pretty deep questions, but I often say, God has put this in my heart, and the first thing I wrote wasn’t the thing I needed to say, this is. God is unconventional, he moves in unconventional ways, and if you are unconventional, or not, he gets that and will move you in the ways that make it clear to you too.

People Change

Sometimes when people change, it is for the better, for them, for you, for everyone around. You could say this type of change is a blessing. Oppositely, sometimes people change for the worse, they go through tough challenges, times of trial, or maybe they are simply influenced by others that have a negative impact on them, causing them to become someone different. Not all times when people change, are good or bad, sometimes change is just change, yet it seems we may be effected by the change, nonetheless.

I have gone through all types of change in my life, the good, the bad and everything in between. I have gained and lost people at varying times because of the good and the bad, and I have also gained and lost people in periods of transition. Here is what I always come back to: some people are here for a reason, some people are here for a season, and some people are meant to teach you a lesson. Whatever category they fall in, if you keep this motto, you are never upset, you are open and accepting to what is meant to be. Sometimes people are meant to come and go, many times, but again, the motto keeps you open, flexible and accepting.

I have some questions I will leave you with:

  • Are you open to change?
  • How open to change are you?
  • Are you accepting of others changing?
  • Are there limitations to what you find accepting, as change in others?
  • Do you provide room for others to go through change, knowing you may enter, leave, or completely exit their lives? Permanently?
  • What affects you accepting change, does that differ for different things/differing people?

I hope this transition of season finds you accepting the things you cannot change, and the wisdom in which to accept it.

You’ll never have anything good…

If you don’t believe you deserve it.

What standard do you hold yourself to? Is it one taught to you, or one you’ve chosen through learning, is it a mix of both? And if it is a learned one, was the person teaching you of high standard, according to you? Maybe you learned by opposition? How to be, based on what not to do? What has made you, YOU?

We die a little each day by not nourishing our soul.

I look back upon my almost 45 years on this Earth and I can honestly say, my life is a compilation of good and bad examples, of who I thought did things the right way, of those that I learned from by watching what I didn’t want to do, or have happen in my life. I saw religious people be horrible examples, and I saw sinners show me the best of humanity. I felt the hand of God through my grandmother reading me the Bible, and I witnessed highly regarded do gooders be absolutely retched souls. I have seen traumatized people hurt, and hurt people. I have been traumatized and based my life on helping others heal. I have seen it all, I have done it all, I am human, and so are you.

This kept me from thinking I deserved good things in life, my human affliction. The horrible things I had done made me hate myself, feel that I didn’t even deserve to be alive and I sure as hell didn’t deserve anything good. And one day, God asked me why I had not forgiven myself, if He had forgiven me. I really did not know the answer to that, and so God asked me to start showing myself kindness, and to consider forgiving myself. But could I?

The answers are deep within, layer upon layer.

You see, because I had given my life to God, in exchange for the lessening of my pain and burden, I owed it to Him, to at minimum, give it a try. And that is what I did. I tried, I failed, I beat myself up, I treated myself unfairly and unkindly and I kept getting messages, randomly, that God really wanted me to forgive myself. You see, I couldn’t move on, until I did. And you may ask, move on to what? More. Life. Love. Happiness. Forgiveness. Understanding. Empathy. God.

Many of you may not believe in God, and that is okay. I went through a period when I didn’t either. Why does God make us suffer, what is the point, etc etc etc. This will still work, even if you don’t believe(God loves you anyhow). The point is, would you be willing to try to forgive yourself? How might you start, you ask?

Journal your thoughts and feelings, you will see patterns and answers.

Pretend that you had no beginning, and the end is yet to be determined. Nothing is written in stone, before, or after right now. There is only you, in this moment, and only you, in what you do today. Do you like your actions? Do you like the consequences of your actions? Do you like wielding power and control over others, or does it make you hate yourself, on some level? Do you want to be more of what you are today? All of it, some of it, or none of it? And do you know that you can change that if you want to, if you try, if you trust that you can, and will be better off for it?

I don’t usually feel called to write about God, I usually have these conversations in person, but, part of my purpose in this life is to be a messenger. I agreed to this, it is part of my soul contract, and today I am being urged to write this. It is flowing out of me faster than I can type, and I don’t want to miss a word of what I am supposed to tell you.

Even if you don’t know something, you can ask for help to identify it.

Please pause today. And ask yourself if you deserve an abundance in life. Pause and ask yourself why or why not. Pause and listen to the answers, listen to where the answers may lead you, listen for guidance. It is all there waiting for you, for YOU. You deserve the best in life, believe it.

My mom always says everything works out just like it is supposed to, everything works out in the end.

My dad says things work out for the best when you work for it.

My grandma always said how do you want it to go? Is it going that way?

And I am telling you that I believe in you, I see you, I know you can and will. Now go do it.

I hope this reaches who it was meant for, that you know you are loved and that I believe in you. You deserve a good abundance. ~Erin

anger, soul restoration, love

Hi. How are you? Are you doing okay? Do you know that you are loved?

Right now, we have a lot to be angry about in this world. No matter your politics, or your vaccination status, no matter your race, or even the class you fall in, we all have plenty to be angry about these days. Part of me feels that we are also grieving, and even though anger is a part of the grieving process, these emotions hold separate places for us at this moment. That is pretty heavy, for anyone. Are you really okay, do you need encouragement? Do you need something you can’t quite define? Me too. I feel it too.

These feelings of loss, grief and anger have made me feel as though I am missing something, something vital. I have sat with the feelings, let those get out of hand, freaked out pretty badly, and then I wanted to attack my husband for being so calm. This feeling was not in alignment with who I am, nor who I want to be, and I don’t want to be upset with Bill for being the calm in the storm, and so I paused, and asked myself questions.

What do I need? Am I doing what I need? Am I receiving what I need? Am I pursuing what I need? Can I even recognize what I need??? Honestly, I was so panicky that I couldn’t identify my nose on my face. So, like any smart person, I allowed that frenzy become huge, crazy and out of control, and then I heard God say, “I’ve got you.”. And I let go.

I let go because, quite frankly, this stuff in the world? It is bigger than me and you. It is so big, we need to let God handle it. My purpose at this time, is to be peaceful, to love others, to share in community, and to be a solid, grounding presence for others. I forgot this was who I am, who I am intended to be, who God asked me to be. Are you being you, who you’ve been asked to be? And are you filling you up?

We need to fill ourselves up with things that make us happy. Activities with friends or loved ones, quiet time alone, whatever you do, savor that time and feeling. Embrace the joy, create joy, find joy, do all things with love and joy.

I am softening. I am letting go of wrath, hatred and control. I am embracing love, being productive and being present, not just for me, but for you too. Do you know you are loved? I love you, and I have no doubt that many others love you too. Will you join me and tell someone that you love them, today? We need more of that, more love, more words and acknowledgment of love. You and I, my friend, we are love. All you need is love.

If you are struggling, please reach out to me, a loved one, or a trusted person. You are very precious, we will figure out what you need, how to help and will make sure that you are not alone, that you know you are loved.

God bless my friends!


Choose to Carry On

The story is not over. We must carry on, because we choose to carry on.

Take the pause if you must. Observe if you can. Do not give up. Choose to carry on.

It is yet to be written. Carry on…because you choose to carry on.

See what is right in front of you, when you take the long way home.


I was talking to a good friend today, and we were discussing something somewhat deep and heavy. We were discussing abuses, how people end up there, how they get out, stay in the same space, how things are all different for different people. While we all like to think we will never find ourselves in an abusive situation, we often do, and a lot of the time without our knowledge or consent. Many of you may be disagreeing with me, and that is fine, but maybe what you define as abuse is only of a physical nature. Perhaps that difficult relative of yours is abusive and you just don’t know how to identify it.

I found myself in this situation. Most people I grew up with or who have known me my whole life would probably think there is no way that I would put up with being mistreated, or that I am too strong for that. Both things are very true, I am too strong for that, and no way would I tolerate that. Yet I did. Love makes you whacko. Love makes you accept things that are not yours to accept. Love and protectiveness keeps you in places you long to escape, especially when you have no options, or help.

I have been slowly and diligently fighting for my life, A life, for several years. As many of you know, I had Bell’s Palsy 3 years ago, exactly today. That was the beginning of my real fight, the start of what was a long time coming, the wake up call that I needed and yet denied. It was not the ground shaker God thought it was, because I had not hit rock bottom. You see, even though I felt helpless and hopeless, suicidal daily, it still wasn’t enough. I even had Children’s Protective Services called on me, because I felt that way, even though I assured the case worker that was not something I would do, and they could find that knowledge in my medical chart from my Bell’s visit to the ER. I explained why I was mentally and physically exhausted, stressed beyond belief, and that Bell’s Palsy had just set in and that I even told the doctor that I could feel that way, but choose not to act on it, thank God for Dr. Brad. I do appreciate the kind citizen that called CPS though, it proved that racism is a nasty thing and it isn’t always who you think it is. That is a story for another day.

Dark humor, better than no humor.

Even though I had these experiences, I still kept going, kept enduring abuse, kept my children safe and kept my husband from further harm. I did what I was capable of doing, I remained a warrior, a survivor, and while I felt so out of control, I kept moving forward, every single day.

I always said that every 24 hours is a new opportunity, but I had gotten to the place that was even a bleak outlook. I was just looking to survive, and I did through the grace of Rainbow Yoga, breathing and being in a safe space, and a safe community. Without that place, those girls, the women I became friends with, I am not really sure if I could have made it to the other side of all of this. Seriously the odds were stacked against me, but someone was looking out for me to show me that place via Facebook ads. When things became weird and crazy in 2020, I relied on yoga, I still do, but in a different way. Breath work is seriously life altering, and you would be amazed at how much better you feel with it, than without it. I digress, but felt this important to include.

Anyhow, I have always had theories, thoughts, observations and experiences coupled with knowledge that have guided my thoughts and actions, I am highly intuitive, instinctual. I have always been patient and listen when dealing with other people, and their problems. I feel that I have helped so many people through the years and yet, I found myself helpless, in a hopeless situation. And I stayed in that place for a long time, slowly losing myself, my identity and my desire for anything.

I started reading things that I needed to find out about to help myself, my husband, my family. I started reading things that reminded me of what I already knew. I started seeing things that felt like slaps to the ass to get this “old nag” moving, and functioning, again. And then it happened, the thing that always happens after I realized I am seriously depressed, I got extremely angry. EXTREMELY.

A)Why did no one see how bad off I was? B)Why did no one ask me how they could help me? C)Why am I always the one figuring shit out to help others? D)Why was I throwing myself a pity party???

Well, here is what I know: I am good at hiding things about myself so as to not make people feel bad, to not burden others, and because I am the helper that others seek. No one is going to help you unless you ask for help, or unless they think you are in grave danger, and sometimes helpers are helping, just in quiet ways. I am an extremely strong, extremely kind person, and I often take on the rescuer/fixer role, so it looks like I am just weird or crazy when in reality I am suffering. I do not need to pity myself, nor victimize myself, nor do I need to linger in a spot I don’t want to be. Had I forgotten who I was???

Why be meek when you can be fierce?

Yes, the answer is YES. When you are around someone with a very poor mental health, it starts to wear you down, wear you thin and wear you out. You start taking on the same characteristics of the ill person, especially when they try to condition you like they were conditioned. To abuse you like they were abused, because, isn’t that normal? Isn’t this what life is like?

Nope, that is not normal, but that is how I found myself somewhere I never expected to be. I lowered myself to help lift another. I thought if I wasn’t so dynamic, the other person could feel secure, that they would rise, that they would come to trust, understand and acknowledge that they were in a bad way and that they could choose better for themselves. And you know what? That did not happen. Instead I ended up more miserable than them. Things did not change, they did not change and shame on me for thinking that betraying myself would be helpful, LOL. Always be true to you, people.

Meet you on the path! ❤️

So, I decided to shirk all their crap off, straighten my crown, be the woman that I truly am. I told that person they no longer mattered, they were irrelevant to me, their problems are their own, they are not mine, nor mine to fix and their shit was no longer welcome in my life. Whew! This was actually received a bit better than I thought, but it still didn’t matter to me. They finally had reacquainted themselves with the real me, and I am larger than life, so buckle up, buttercup, take care of your own damn self.

I finally knew that in order for my life to change, I needed to make uncomfortable changes. I took a 6 month break from photography, I started seeing friends socially, I quit my beloved yoga studio. That one really hurt. I then paused and took several breaths, released what didn’t serve me, that wasn’t mine and the shame and disappointment I had for myself and for betraying myself. It was time.

I felt that I was in a different place, that I needed to stand on my own, that I needed to be solitary for a while and I needed to strip myself bare, to get back to my bones, so that I can build myself the way I choose to. I am doing yoga at home most days, but I pick up classes here and there, as I still need to function in polite society-even I as I undomesticate/rewild myself. I am done being small for all you insecure people out there. I am done being polite in lieu of honesty. I am no longer accepting your feeble excuses for how you treat me. Erin is back,and you have all been put on notice.

Oh, and I will be building my photography services up, so be on the look out for that because it is going to be awesome! May you all be your true selves, choose you always, and blessings to you all!


Learn from…

Learn from this, learn from that, don’t do this, don’t do that. Is there a difference between the two? I think there is, I think there is a HUGE difference, and today I want to talk about it.

I grew up with the freedom to be wrong. No, I don’t think my parents/family enjoyed if I made a mess, if I spilled something, or if I broke something. However, I feel that when I was wrong, I was often asked what I learned, and if I would do things the same, or differently given the same opportunity again.

I always reported what I learned when I knew right away, or honestly said I wasn’t sure what I learned, if anything. When I mentioned this, I was encouraged to give it time, see how things shook out, and observe what might give me insight in to what I learned. As an adult, I recognize this is a practice in patience, it was true then, and it is still true now. Sometimes you have to wait to see what you learn.

I realize, that some people were not as fortunate as me to have the support of a grandmother that was patient and willing to discuss things with me. Some people could not make mistakes in their formative years, they could not learn from their mistakes, and they have done/do all kinds of hiding from making mistakes further on down the line in life, to the point that as adults they suffer and there is a lot of fall out from it. This saddens me, but it also make me more appreciative of what I had.

Knowing the freedom of being wrong, has encouraged me to raise my kids the same, to be okay with being wrong, to learn from it, to grow from it. Mistakes and accidents happen, we don’t always make the correct choice first time around, often not the second time either, but if there is freedom to learn from our mistakes, we look for answers, solutions, or alternatives much quicker and much easier, don’t dwell or harbor guilt/ill feelings as long, if any, and we develop a courage to explore, create, to try, try, try. We evolve, mature, our character grows, and often we learn humility, like freedom, those are beautiful things.

Did you, or do you have freedom in being wrong? Can you identify what you learned, and do you observe to see how that develops in to more answers?


I am Me.

I have been asking myself lately, who do I want to become? When I was younger, I asked myself this, I had some criteria i wanted to meet, some observations I felt helped guide me, some ideas of how I thought it should be, and some determination to see it all through. Now, though, I feel at a total loss to answer this question. I know who I am, and how I got here, but who do I want to be now/next/moving forward?

I am not going to lie, I have not really challenged myself in trying to answer this question. Each time the thought flits through my mind, I quietly, nonchalantly, swipe it under a rug where it can hide and I can avoid it. If I do not see it, it does not exist and I don’t have to address my lack of living or choosing. I don’t have to think or challenge myself this way, and quite frankly, that disturbs me. I am not a hider, I don’t deflect and I don’t shirk what needs done. I used to love life, I want to love life again. Hiding and deflecting solve nothing, is this who I have become?

It is a simple question, really. I have built the whole foundation up to this point. I have chosen what makes me who I am. I have eliminated the things I don’t want to be, absorbed and molded who I want to be, so why can’t I just answer the damn question??? And as I sit here, feeling a bit ashamed, a bit scared, a bit nervous, a bit pissed, I realize that my my identity has not been nurtured or cared for in a LONG time. And the ton of bricks hits me.

I loved raising my kids. Hands down, it was the most important thing I have ever done. It was the most prestigious job I have ever had. It is the most rewarding thing I will ever do in my life. And it was the most humbling opportunity I have ever been given. I am thankful to have done what I have to this point.

I loved supporting my husband, watching him flourish with his job, and seeing how far and high he could fly, knowing his time to work is not over yet and the best is yet to come for him. I have encouraged him in his endeavors, stood by him supporting and listening, giving advice when needed. It has been a joy to watch him succeed, to grow, flourish, reap the rewards. I am proud of him and his hard work paying off.

I have been blessed to watch many people come and go from my massage therapy practice. I have treated so many amazing people over the years. I watched them find solutions to their body’s problems, helped them to reach out for what they want in life, listened to their woes and triumphs, and held many of them while they cried. I shared my gift of helping others with those that have sought me out, that gave me a chance, that thanked me for a job well done. I only succeeded because of who I was gifted to be, who I wanted to become, who I thought I could be, and the desire to play detective, searching out the answer to the questions and challenges put forth before me. I can tell you that you need an ultrasound on your aortic arch, and yet, I can’t answer who I want to become.

Man, I read back over that and I am either about to accept an award, or kick the bucket! LOL!! How maudlin, but amusing! Do you know that I actually forgot that I was funny? True story. I have felt like the only things I could say recently were gloomy, sad truths, or self pitying. I even stopped giving large amounts of sage advice, namely because I have limited my interactions to individuals or small groups of people. To sum it up, I gave up on people. I gave up on myself. And you know what I did? I kicked myself in the ass and said, “Get the fuck over yourself, quit the pity party and move on!”.

I am the queen of turning down invitations, cancelling plans, or ignoring you when you want me to do something with you. It isn’t because I don’t like you or that you are lacking in some way, this is all me, where I have gotten to, and who I have become. I have known for a while this was starting to catch up with me in a very detrimental way, my mental health was struggling, I needed to nix this behavior/response ASAP. I knew it was going to make me unhappy and uncomfortable to change, but I had to start changing. I started to do things, with people other than my clients and family, I started to live again, and holy hell has it been painful?!

It has often been hard for me to go out in public, to do normal things, to be around people. The reasons don’t matter today, maybe not ever again, what matters is that I started small, by going for walks, to coffee, sometimes lunch with a trusted friend. I then started to accept and not cancel some invitations to do the same with a few other trusted friends. Last week, I made a major leap, I went out of town to shop with a friend. Joe, if you only knew how hard that was for me. I knew I had to do that with you, and only you. And then you bought me the Moon. Literally people, he bought me the moon. Cry fest, and he has no idea what it really means until he reads this. I struggle with post traumatic stress, which makes me seem a bit agoraphobic, where you can’t leave your house or you feel unsafe in certain environments, but I knew that I was safe with Joe, and that I would be okay…even if I did worry about having a panic attack and considered canceling several times. Again, I know why, but that’s for a different day.

I am so off topic at this point but not really. I don’t care what people think, how anyone takes this post, how some may pity me, think they know me, or if they understand why I wrote this post. I don’t care because I am on a new journey. A healthy journey. One for my mind, one for my body, and one for my soul. I am starting fresh on this level, with a foundation of who I have become, heading toward exactly who I am meant to be. I am already en route to becoming who I am currently journeying to be, so don’t mistake this for me searching for myself, because I am not. I know me, and part of this journey is getting back to me, to go forward. I am leveling up.

This level, folks, it is for me, this journey is for me, I am doing it for me. I am becoming who I need me to be and it feels good to tell you this. I have fought making it about me, but you know what? My life is about me, it is mine, and while we orbit others’ lives, mine is mine, is mine, is mine. So I best get to living it, and keep looking forward to the next best version of me, keep leveling up and stop standing still or looking back.

All forward moving from here.


Going Gray

We are all on a journey. Life is the journey, there are many processes, chapters, books, experiences, etc on life’s journey. We fail, learn, and grow. We succeed, get better, and reach milestones. We often find that our environment is not conducive to where we are on the journey, or maybe we are not personally synced for where we are. This is a story of such a thing, being out of sync to finding balance.

Hi, my name is Erin and I am 44. My hair has been going gray for sometime. Technically, I am silvering, but that is really just code for gray. At first, I was bothered by this, I am too young to be old, to look old, to be showing my wisdom. You could say that I am fighting aging through coloring my hair, that is accurate, that is fair, but it isn’t the whole picture.

I have been in an environment for a while with younger people, and while I see where they are on their journey, as I have been there too, they didn’t see where I was, and it affected me. Now, it didn’t bother me in the sense that they didn’t get me, how could they, they have yet to have my experience and knowledge. But it bothered me in the sense that their concerns and interests didn’t really jive with my own, we are not truly in alignment. I didn’t fault them, but I had observed that they treated me differently, as irrelevant, sometimes even with pity.

I started to think there was something wrong with me, that I was a washed up, pathetic has been, or maybe never was. Maybe by coloring my hair, I was trying to remain young, hip, and contemporary to fit in. And so I decided to stop coloring my hair and go gray. If my inside was to match my outside, I was going to embrace the wisdom earned and show these people what I was about.

I consulted with my hair stylist, told her my plan and she told me how we would achieve my desired results, slowly over time. I was excited, unsure at points and ready to show the wisdom I had obtained over the years, one silver hair at a time. I am relevant, I am wise.

For several months I let my natural hair color grow out, waiting to see all these glorious silver hairs to present themselves, a showing to all around me that I know myself, I know my worth, I know my capabilities and I am not who you want me to be, I’ll be whoever the hell I want to be. I’ll be ME.

And then nada. Those 20 silver hairs on each temple, and the 50 random silvery gray hairs on my crown showed me that while my natural hair color is slowly fading, I really didn’t have a plethora of gray/silver hair like I had anticipated. Wow, now what? How does this align me with my plan?

Did that mean I wasn’t wise? No. Did that mean I was irrelevant? No. Did that mean that I was a had been or never was? HELL NO. What that meant was that I was in the wrong place around the wrong people. Once I admitted that to myself, I also thought, well yeah, but you have known that for a while, you just wouldn’t admit it.

This was never really about my hair. This wasn’t about not knowing myself or being affected by others, and their possible opinions of me. This was about me having much to offer this world and not doing it. I am not doing what I want and need to do, and it took me going gray to not only admit it, but to do something about it. It is all part of the process, on the journey. The problem is/was my visibility. I did not want to be seen. We’ll talk about that later though.

Oh, and yes, I will be going back to coloring my hair soon. ~Erin