If you read the writing I shared with you yesterday, then you have a good idea about my life today. The writing was not a complete snapshot, and there are some differences between me and the writer. Where they currently are, I have been, where I currently am at, they have yet to arrive. And so we’ll follow up on that today, in my words. I want you to read these writings, but from a non-emotional stand point, not from a place of judgment, but how they are both written, factually, objectively, without emotion flavoring them. Here we go!

I am the end. I will not, and have not passed along the pain others have bore me. I am the end of generational trauma, period. I am a transmuter, a catalyst, an agent of change, and in as such, I have helped people with their own pain and trauma. The darker side of that is what was fueling that inside of me.

How can one’s light be from one’s darkness? Well, if we go back to the beginning, we almost always find answers. This March, I walked away from a 24 year career. I was heading that way, but I could not walk away from it completely, until I had the biggest epiphany of my life.

I have always been drawn to emotionally unavailable people. Like a moth to a flame, I have sought out those that will not, and probably cannot love me. Short point: you cannot love another, until you love yourself. Long point: seeking out a person’s love can be a childhood wound left untreated, only to resurface in relationships that always go awry. So, didn’t you as a highly intuitive empath know this about yourself, Erin? Yes, but I kept the initial person in my life, so I was always subconsciously seeking this person out in others.

I wanted a person’s love that I was never going to receive, and while this seems maudlin and very adolescent young girl like…well, that is exactly what it was. Logically, I knew they would never love me, hell they don’t love themselves. But I was always expected to endure, these feelings, their demands/expectations, their issues and problems, all for them to have someone love them and make them feel better about themselves, but it never did. And so this has been my pattern in life, to find these people, to care for them, to love them, to help them, to fix them, the counsel them, to basically be that doormat without boundaries.

This started to change in 2018, Bell’s Palsy sucks, but was a godsend to get me to start changing things. I started developing boundaries, I stopped friendships that harkened back to the first wound, that fulfilled the role I sought love from, and thus eliminating my need to perform for that love, love that was never there. If you know me, and have known me since then, you can probably see some evolution in my life, the anger, the purging, the vitriol I have spewed, and the sadness I have felt. You would think that working through all of this, I would have gotten somewhere. Yes and no.

It wasn’t until I ended a friendship this year, that I started to see what was missing in me. I tried. I tried to keep having a relationship with a parent that was terrible for me. I loved this person with my whole heart, my whole life. No matter what hurt they caused me, how they used me, hated me for being myself and not being blindly loyal to them, I always tried, I always went back, I always betrayed myself for a relationship that was not only unfulfilling, but toxic as hell. I felt an obligation to this person, to help them, to fix them, to counsel them, to be there for them, to love them, to endure them, to be a dumping ground for them, and for what? For love they cannot give me. Hmm, but didn’t I already know that???

Yes, I sure did know that, and yet, I was always seeking the light and dark side of this person to be in my life, and fulfilled that with people on both sides. So why keep doing that? I think we will always want a parent’s love, a good relationship with them, and we’ll take crumbs, or even a bag of shit where that is concerned. But wait? Really??? Yes?

No. No. No. I don’t want a friend wearing me down to talk to them to have them in my life, not when they say hateful things to me, judge me and treat life like we are competing, that isn’t friendship. I won’t have a parent in my life doing the same, or worse, trying to turn my own kids against me, and for what? Just to be chosen over me? LIGHTBULB.

My parent’s trauma, is not my trauma. PERIOD. I don’t have to accept the constant foisting of their trauma on me as a means for them to try to deal with it. It ends with me. What was I getting out of this relationship all along? Nothing, Grief, confusion, a pattern, a cycle, and bad behaviors. At what point did you ask yourself why I didn’t love myself enough to move on? Joke is on you if you did, I do and have loved myself enough, thought I was worthy this whole time, and treated others the way I love myself. The problem was the big ass festering wound, that I felt obligated to, and thus, hurt myself because of it.

I cut that wound out recently enough, and the relief I felt, once I made my mind up to do it, was immense. IMMENSE. I am working again, I am happy again, I am working on my relationships with my immediate family and my actual close friends, I even get along with my sister now. That is huge for me. So, while I have been the way of the writings of yesterday, today is about the victory of the other side. Today is about freedom from the original pain. This is not to say that I won’t encounter these same types of people, but now I have firm boundaries, I am no longer searching for the love I once was, and my story is unfolding, with room in the margins to change what doesn’t serve me.

As an empath, we often find ourselves this way because of that initial childhood trauma. We learn early on how to read people and situations, how to navigate that, and how to be an agent of change because of it. Some of us develop deeper senses due to this as well. I quit my job, I don’t need to feel anyone’s pain anymore. I am free of those ties that bind, and helping another person, now, is simply a choice of sharing what I know, or know how to do. I don’t need to live out my wound any longer. FREEDOM. All things start at the beginning, have a middle, you can change the ending, it is never too late.

I wrote and published this, so any typos, please forgive, any fragmented sentences, ignore. This woke me up at 4:45 this morning, and I had to pour it like a cup of coffee, hot.

The following words are not mine, but they very well could be. The difference is, I was never afraid of being alone, I was always alone. This comes from The Soul Journey with Sarah Moussa, Facebook page.

The empath without boundaries “holds space” for the chaotic expression of somebody else’s fear, shame and negativity, unknowingly absorbing it like rain into her skin, receiving the garment of somebody else’s darkness.
She thinks she is being understanding and compassionate, and forgets herself in the shadow of somebody else’s pain.

The empath without boundaries places herself as a doormat at the feet of those unable or unwilling to see their own inner landscape as the source of their misery, instead pointing fingers at anyone and everything, distorting the reality of the empath.
Who she once trusted, she now doubts, who she once loved, she dislikes.

Her own wounds and weaknesses are entered by the darkness that she willingly opens herself up to, adding fuel to fire, thinking that she can heal it, help it, fix it, but is herself in need of her own presence, her own self, her own love.

The bond created between her and her stressed out parent/family member as a child recreates itself in this delusion based friendship as she enables and confirms the fear based reality being portrayed as truth, in the hopes of the approval, respect and acceptance from that person.

But by the end of it all, she feels depleted and empty, after nights and days of just sitting and receiving the bombardment of negative information that actually has no basis in her own reality. When she tries to express her authentic self, she is treated as naive, less experienced, inferior, and can easily trigger a traumatising response, which she is so terrified of for she depends on the acceptance and approval of this person.

The empath without boundaries’ codependency is poisonous, and drains her life force, until she suddenly becomes aware of this unhealthy, unconscious pattern within herself and her relationships.

At first she is angry at all those who have been taking and taking from her energy without giving back in the same measure. Those who took advantage of her weakness and treated her poorly. Then she realises that it was her own self that allowed for it to happen, that she consistently gave of herself out of a severe fear of being alone.

She always wanted to “be there for” someone, as being the “therapist” was the only love language she could recognize, after a childhood of being the peacekeeper/maker in her conflict fuelled family.
She begins to recognize how her lack of boundaries has only lead to her own pain and suffering, and how being a martyr only served the other and enabled their refusal to take responsibility for their own feelings and process.

She recognizes how her desperation for somebody else’s approval has left her wounded and empty, for they cannot even approve of themselves, let alone anyone else. She took both their praise and their poison so personally, flying to the highest heights only to be dropped all the way back down. She placed her happiness in their hands, and they themselves did not know of such a thing.

The empath without boundaries begins to realise that she has been mistaking abuse for love, self sacrifice for love, toxic soul ties and agreements for love. She has been justifying the ill actions of others out of fear of being alone, leading to her own repressed anger and sadness, that lead to her mistreating others.
Blaming the other is not enough to shift this paradigm, taking self responsibility would be the first step.

The empath without boundaries begins to form her first boundary by saying that she no longer wishes to be a dumping ground for other people’s unprocessed turmoil, and is no one’s therapist, unless some kind of specific agreement has been drawn up and agreed upon.

She recognises how she wishes to be treated in a friendship, relationship, etc, and begins to prioritise her own wellbeing, serving her own needs and desires first, and stopping someone dead in their tracks when they begin to insert negative narratives into her reality without her consent.

She begins to recognise what and what is not her responsibility, and does not carry what is not hers to bear.

She does not accept the fear and shame of others as a truth in her own reality, instead questioning where it has come from, and whether it is a reality that can be changed for the better.

She recognises that everything is a choice, and that she is not cursed to endure a reality that does not align with her true spirit and soul.
She acknowledges that what she sees in those around her are all reflections of her inner landscape, and that even those who were taking from her energetically, are teachers and lessons that she signed up for so that she could level up to the next phase of her self discovery.
What she is not happy with in her reality can be changed by addressing the feelings that are triggered because of those things.
What she accepts will relent, and what she resists will persist.

She no longer just absorbs what the other is saying, but points out possible points for reflection and questioning, and instead of just enabling and accepting ego stories so as not to cause conflict, she encourages further growth and introspection in both herself and others.

She welcomes challenges to her own paradigm and ideas, embracing healthy debate that doesn’t leave her stagnant in her own comfort zone of delusion.
She is not scared to trigger people in case they get up and leave her, for she would prefer having friends who are able to take responsibility for their own triggers and who aren’t scared to look at themselves, for those are the qualities she wishes to nurture within herself.

She is also no longer afraid to be alone, and trusts that the right company will stick and stay throughout this process of growth, as they are busy growing themselves.

The Empath is a powerful individual whose greatest tool is Self Love. Once she begins to nurture her own inner garden, the scent of her roses waft through the streets and her sweetness inspires those around her to follow suit.
She transmutes her own pain into wisdom, and becomes a great friend, lover and community member.

The path of self discovery can be exceptionally painful once we begin to become aware of our unconscious behaviors and patterns, but the process of clearing debris from the pure river of love that flows through us, is priceless, and the reward is endless.

I am an empath without boundaries in recovery, and I am proud of myself for coming so far.~

~Aziza Azura
https://medium.com/@azizabrown

I went for a walk, 
and got caught in the rain. 
I couldn’t see in front of me, 
only knew what was behind. 
I had to keep going,
somehow I’d find my way. 
I put my head down,
hoping it would help. 
I quickly realized,
it really is one step at a time. 
I grew comfortable in the rain,
and now I hold my head up high. 
The rain can’t stop me,
my progression is inevitable. 

CoCo heard you didn’t vote today? Please say it isn’t so!

You all knew it was coming. I was so hot, my hair was getting stuck all the time behind my back, literally, and my hair was starting to look fuzzy, even though it was healthy. It was just long, tired and ready to get gone! I said cut it off Madison, she said “I am here for it!”.

It is stacked in the back, pretty short, so I haven’t been hot since, nor has my hair gotten stuck on or between anything and me. Ahhh!! It was time for a change, I am so happy I went for it, and I am glad that Madison kept going shorter, shorter and shorter!

Thank you all for reading Bill’s birthday post, and for all of the birthday wishes! I had a great day yesterday, starting with this sunrise out my front door. So glorious!

Bill and I grabbed breakfast out and we took a ride by some of my favorite places to see, that is always enjoyable! We then watched the Buckeyes game, which was super windy, only to experience crazy winds here, shortly after, although entertaining to watch the leaves swirl. I took a 45 minute nap, which is not typical, but apparently I was tired and so out I went! We hung out, and then later we went to see Fleetwood Gold, a tribute band that was playing at the Majestic Theatre. It was amazing, filled with superb musicians and their vocals were crazy good. This video does not do them justice, yet it is still good. I included a clip of Brooke singing for you too!

We came home, hung out for a bit and went to bed late to set ourselves up for the time change. It was a great birthday filled with lots of great times, wonderful messages from friends and loved ones, and a fun night with excellent entertainment. This 38th birthday is looking really good so far!! Lol. I hope you all know how much I appreciate and value you, you all rock!! 💗

Today We Celebrate The Photographist!!

https://billbgh.wordpress.com/2022/11/05/today-we-celebrate-the-photographist/
— Read on billbgh.wordpress.com/2022/11/05/today-we-celebrate-the-photographist/

Remember the other day when I mentioned it was too hot for a three dog night? Yes well on Wednesday this week, it felt pretty chilly in the house, it called for a blanket.

So cold that a dog needed to be completely under the blanket…

Only to embody hippo style, coming up for air periodically…

She didn’t really care for the cold air…

As you can see here.

But when I covered her all the way back up, she decided she was getting hot, stuck her snoot out along with her paws. The things we do for our animals. I looked at the forecast, looks to be staying warm for a while, glad we got our gas logs done in October, haven’t got to use those yet. And my new humidifiers came in…also haven’t used those either, lol. Who bitches about nice weather in November? It’s me, I am bitching. I would like to order a crisp fall day for tomorrow, but I shall enjoy the warmth and sunshine instead!

How about you, ready for crisp weather, and keeping crazy pets warm?

When do you move? Are you pushed so that you may help another move? Do you recognize that you are being pushed? Tonight I stopped in my tracks as I realized I was being pushed, so that I may push another. This isn’t the first time, probably not the last, but I am not sure I am down with this methodology any more. Some would say I have no say in this, I disagree. I find that when we state our limits, we find another way, and I think it is time for another way.

A good friend messaged me last night, telling me that she was praying that I have a wonderful week full of restful peace and greater levels of revelation of God’s love. Now, this message truly was divine timing, but it also signified that something painful would occur first. I feel that I cannot look at it yet, as I have some fear and maybe I am not ready. I should explain, deep down there is no fear, only trust, but trusting can be very scary and life altering, even when you readily accept it. And my mind wants greater levels of revelation of God’s love, but I feel that there is a lot of hurt with a loved one right now, an I can’t fathom greater level’s of God’s love…but this all ties together for the answer and the revelations. Trust.

I feel that in order to go where we are meant to move, we have to be willing to move, or be willing to be pushed. There was no guarantee that it would be comfortable, fun, or pleasant. There was no promise of it being hard. Simply, we are to trust. We live a different life when we submit to these things, a better life. You can’t explain to those that simply think you are stupid, and you can’t make a nonbeliever understand…but maybe you will be pushed or prodded to speak light and life in to others, prompting them to move, and you will move too.