“If I don’t think I’m awesome, who will?”

Growing up, I lived bedside my grandma. I could go to her house anytime I wanted, I could spend all day long with her, and many times I did. Our days almost always started the same way, with us sitting on her front porch, often times a bible in her hand. It was a usual occurrence for her to read me a bible verse and then we would discuss it, sharing our thoughts and viewpoints on what we thought it meant or what we took away from it.

Looking back now, I realize just how much that woman taught me about life, how well she prepared me to be a good adult, how she showed me to be a supportive, caring individual. And honestly, she gave me a guiding source that has helped me navigate life’s waters. I have strayed at times from what she has taught me, and every time I do, I realize something. When there is a trusted source, a tried and true method, you are a fool to not return to what you know works.

I have been on a deeply personal journey for a while now, and something almost two years ago struck me when I was at a New Year’s Day intention setting event at my favorite yoga studio. I had forgotten myself. I had betrayed myself. I had abandoned myself. I chose to allow someone else to dictate my life to me, for the reasons I now know are asinine, but reasons nonetheless. It was during prompts, meditation and quiet reflection that I heard myself say something to my grandma…”If I don’t think I’m awesome, who will?”. That was eye opening to have that come up at that moment.

I remembered that it doesn’t matter what face we put on for others, how we appear, what others think of us. What matters is what we think of ourselves, who we answer to and how true we are to ourselves in those things. We can look like the most put together creature on earth, but maybe we are screaming inside. And what good are we doing ourselves if we are choosing something that does not jive with us, for someone else’s sake???

Ironically, I equate peacock feathers with my grandma. She always had this large blue vase that she kept a bunch of the feathers in, and we(my cousins and I), would get one out to play with when permitted. The feathers look like they have eyes on them, as if they see you, like an all seeing eye. Peacocks are gorgeous creatures, but they let out the most awful screeches at times, but that is the peacock, they make no apologies for their dichotomy of painful sounding beauty. When I set my intention that New Year’s Day, I knew that it had to be, “Be True to You”, accompanied with a peacock feather and a heart.

We must love ourselves, in our truth. We must see what is for us in our truth. We must allow others to see us, in our ugly, in our beauty, in our truth. Not all will be able to witness you in your truth, and that is okay, but for those that do, they may be inspired and create something magical, something deeply resonating for them and for others, and for you.

My amazing friend Rachel did such a thing, and when she gave me my mug, I waved it around my neighborhood(no one was looking, lol), proclaiming that I was special because it had two feathers! I didn’t tell Rachel, but that was the most wonderful thing, two feathers, because that was one for me and one for grandma. It is a reminder that she is always with me, that the lessons taught are always there, that I am to always think I am awesome, that I must be true to me, and above all, that I am true to the one above because he has never failed me(even though I have felt like it), and putting my energy into my belief, can and has done wondrous things in my life.

Thank you Rachel for your friendship, for sharing your gifts, and for being an amazing magical soul. Be True to You. 🦚❤️

When I was young, I purposely decided to change my life. I did not like how my life was going, I did not like how I felt about it, and I did not like a lot of things I did either. Self awareness showed me that I didn’t like these things, and because of that, I could continue down the path I was on, or I could make some changes and redirect my path. This was not something I entered in to lightly, it required a spiritual perspective, some guidance from above, and some self discipline to get to where I wanted to go, because when you ask for guidance, it is given if you are willing to seek it.

Every day that you practice self betterment in spirituality, is a day you are wiser and kinder to others and yourself. This provides more opportunity for gratitude, also to self and others. This causes expansion of your heart, soul and mind, and in turn, it provokes you to look for others more along the same lines.

When I was in 5th grade, I was pretty depressed. At the time, I did not realize that was what it was, but looking back, I realize I was heavily depressed. I don’t remember much from that time, but a few things stand out, one of those was kindness bestowed upon me from another school mate. This person had, and currently has no idea what their kindness did for me at that time. At a time I felt pretty dark and bleak, kind words and kind gestures from them, are one of only a handful of things I remember from that time. This has always stuck with me, as this person always seemed kind to me all through school, and is still kind to this day.

I had the opportunity to get to know this person a little better as an adult. As kids we never ran in the same circles, but as adults, we have more things in common. Anyhow, this person still shows a lot of grace and kindness, not just towards me, but to so many people that we both know. I think it is safe to say that this person has not always had it easy, and has been through their share of crap in life, but it hasn’t diminished their kindness in life, perhaps it has made it grow, I will have to ask about that.

This person recently gifted me with an item, it was completely unexpected, it wasn’t because I was feeling down or anything like that, this person gifted me just because they could, and wanted to. This is humbling when someone does this for you, and it makes you pause and take your own acts of random kindness in to consideration, not in a keeping score sort of way, but more so in an inspirational sort of way. It asks you to look at what you can do for others, how you can help, or how you might brighten someone’s day, just because you can.

This mug, and token, are so much more symbolic for me than just a random act of kindness. “Teach Peace” speaks volumes about my soul and my spirituality. My massage therapy business is called “Inner Peace”, because I want to help people feel and find inner peace within themselves. This all harkens back to the changes I purposely made for myself when I was young. Just because we may not like ourselves or the things we do at some point in time, does not mean that we never get to like or love ourselves, it does not mean that we are irredeemable, it does not mean that we are destined to suffer for an eternity. No, it means that we can choose to work on these things, work on ourselves, we can live the lives that we choose and deserve because we are willing to show ourselves grace and kindness, forgiveness too.

I want people to feel lightened of their bodily burdens of pain and dysfunction, to know that they can move forward and make changes that are good for them mind, body and soul. I want people to feel they are unconditionally loved when they are in my presence, that they know that I will not judge them, but I will help them. I hope for people to make the choice to free themselves of the earthly burdens that they carry around, and to know that by doing so, they are inviting and accepting Inner Peace in to their lives.

Because I asked for help and guidance all those years ago, and I received grace of lifting my own burdens, I knew it was part of my purpose to help “Teach Peace”. This gift that truly encapsulated my life, astounded me. It was a bombardment of love, caring, kindness, grace and gratitude all at once. I was so overwhelmed by the thought of this friend, by the maker of this mug, by the way our world works in fates, by guidance from above, and most of all, by the way people are so connected in loving, caring ways, as displayed in the making, giving, and receiving of this one mug. Crazy good stuff. Thank you friend for simply being you, you are loved, valued, and appreciated. Thank you Rachel for not just making a mug, but for making a Movement too!❤️

How have you been? Apparently I have been absent since July, so my expected readership is ZERO. That isn’t really true, I expect 5 people to read this. 5 is a good number, not round, but full nonetheless. I am not exactly sure where this post is going to take me, if it will be a one and done or so lengthy that it has to become a series. Here is what I will tell you though, it will not include any photos or visual gems, it will be all words instead. So, if verbose people being authentic telling their story isn’t your thing, then you are probably not 1 of those 5 people.

So, where have I been since July? I have been taking care of myself, and I don’t have any plans to stop that, at all. You see, I did not take care of myself for the longest time. I never went to the doctor, not even annual appointments, I put myself last for everything, or didn’t even consider myself as important enough to care for, in any way. This post is not meant to be a downer, nor a bid for attention, but to be an honest wake up for someone out there. I needed a wake up, and I got one in July, apparently after hitting snooze one too many times!!

In July, I really wasn’t certain I was going to survive, but I am a survivor and a fighter, and patient and observant, so I just kept pressing on, but not really living, nor enjoying life. I had been living a nightmare for years, YEARS!! As I have mentioned before, I had Bell’s Palsy last year, which in my opinion was a result of all of the stress I had been under for years, that reached a major breaking point. After Bell’s, I thought(ha ha) that I was on my way to better, which I was not, I was just under slightly less stress. I did invest in myself by going to yoga, and by being very vocal about the bs I was dealing with in the ways I was, but it was not as alleviating as I had hoped it all would be. To be honest, that left me feeling angry all the time, which, I was already angry at everything all the time anyhow, so it was truthfully compounding the problem, not helping it.

If you read my post from May titled “Challenging My Femininity”, then you know that I was having an issue with a friend that felt they knew me, better than I knew myself. They had all of these preconceived notions about me, and honestly, some of those things were perceptions based upon my behavior, but some of those things were projections as well. I can say this now, having done 6 months of deep soul retrieval, which this is not my first go round with soul retrieval, but my most recent, and probably what I feel is my most profound. On a side note, I did open my heart to this friend, and realized this fall out was not all her fault, but I owned some of it too.

You see, she was just an embodiment of what was a deeper issue for me. She always remarked about my masculinity showing as most dominant. At the time, I was pissed, I am a very feminine person! So why would she think this? I seriously pondered, obsessed, and hurt over this. Now, I always like to delve in to psychological growth, what am I covering, what am I projecting, what are my flaws and issues that hold me back, sabotage me/my life, because I want to live my best life for me and those around me, which we established I was not. Anyhow, after doing a lot of psychological work, I realized why I was showing her that side of me, pretty much all the time. I felt very threatened, like she was just one more person to not actually hear me and see me, even though I wasn’t being my whole self, not even close!! It was also my way of being heard and seen. It worked with her personal trauma, which I did not even recognize at the time. Honestly, I think we both wanted a friendship with each other, we just happened to bring out not good things in each other due to our personal traumas. I never told anyone the toxic life I was living, and I expected her to see through the facades to the real me that I was hiding, so I was angry with her for not seeing me, for bringing out this defensive side of me, and for her projecting or having a false opinion of me, but it was really my fault because that is what I showed her, right?

Not exactly. I don’t deny that my behavior showed one side of me, but her opinions and discussion of me with others and strangers that didn’t know me, was the thing that made me see that we couldn’t be close. When you form an opinion, based upon limited knowledge, and then seek validation from others on that opinion, you are not being objective to what you are seeing, so then you start projecting your own issues/traumas on people. See, people never truly show you all of themselves, at least not in an acquaintance or early friendship, but I never thought I knew all of her, or a fraction. I was just curious to see it all unfold, because that is how I am, a part of who I am.

Back to evolving. I realized that yes, I was in a very craptastic situation in life, but how was I being a contributor of my own problems? This is not the same as saying “It’s all my fault.” and being a victim of sorts, I had already been there before too, this was different. What traumas or even more so, what changes had I made to my behavior(s), what acommodations did I make for others, and just disguised those things as character traits, beliefs, or “responsibilities”? I started delving in to archetypes, how those applied to me in all areas of life, how those affected me, how that affected those around me…I was doing a bunch of Shadow work, the dark side of self that isn’t like an evil side of your light/white side, but of the deep things I lied to myself about, that I wasn’t aware of , or that I felt I had dealt with already, but clearly had not.

Once I broke these archetypes down, something was still missing. I still felt something wasn’t right, I was missing something huge and I was hiding it from myself…and one thing kept playing in my mind. Someone commented on my “Challenging My Femininity” post, to open my throat chakra and speak my truth. This kept ringing a bell, but of what kind, I wasn’t so sure. I mean, I am a very vocal person. I can tell you my likes, dislikes, my opinions, my experiences, words, words words…but was I really open to saying things I needed to say, very specific things? And was there a connection between the friend mentioned above and my sad ass situation? YES.

I have always allowed other people to feel more superior to me. Especially when I see they need to be the dominant one, to be in charge, to have the power. Personally, I know who I am, I know my strengths(and weaknesses), I know my capabilities, I know what I know, and I know how to know what I know. Cryptic, sure, but the point is, I don’t have to have power, dominance or control, mainly because I know I can be the power in the room, I know I can be the dominant one, I know I can be in control…but that doesn’t make me those things. Being open to all does. Being welcoming and all inclusive does. Being authentic does. Providing space for others to test their wings, to be seen and heard does. Having the utmost of ethics and integrity does. BUT, being HUMBLE, serving in humility, with an understanding of others’ situations, traumas and needs allows me to comfortably shift to a minor role in things, not the dominant power role that is easy and anyone can do.

This is a me issue. This is me being too accomodating at times. This is me appearing as something I am not and allowing room for erroneous judments and opinions. And this also allows for certain people/personalities to think they can run roughshod on me, subsequently me feeling hurt, bitter and angry. So what is a person to do? Well, sometimes you have to shut up, observe and listen to understand. And other times, you have to show your true self. The situation with that friend showed me where I was screwing up in so many ways, that my ability to hide myself to let others shine was actually causing me to lose myself, and thus causing a whole host of other problems.

So, I told my husband that I wanted a divorce because he did not hear me and see me. This was not the first time I had said this to him, but this time I actually meant it. Our relationship was so damn toxic, he was a pretty shitty human in a lot of ways, as he had been shown to be, as he had been reinforced to be, and as he had been enabled to be. THIS was what I was hiding from-myself and my situation-and I had been doing it for years. I was completely lost in his baggage, in his past, in his trauma which became my own. My own self lack lead me to that point. Feeling that I couldn’t be my own confident self for feeling that others needed it more than me was and is WRONG. Shrinking myself for others to such a point of self sacrifice was ludicrous, but it was what was expected of me, it was what I thought someone that felt unworthy and unloved needed, I thought it made him feel safe, and maybe in some small way it did, but it also blew up to epic proportions, fostering the lack in his soul, and the stall of growth in my own.

Some of you may be wondering why I am airing dirty laundry, and I will tell you this. Piss off, I am speaking my truth, the thing I have hid from for years, the thing I pretended didn’t exist, the thing I put a happy face on for others’ sake. No I am not telling you all of the things that have transpired, that is none of your business, but I am telling you that I have lived a very dark, isolated, lonely life for a very long time. I have had beautiful things in my life, my children, my friends, my experiences, and my memories, but dammit, I lost my magic, I lost my zest for life, and that was not worth staying in a horrible situation for. And in case you are wondering, I am not divorced nor getting one.

Everything works in it’s own timing, all things lead you to where you are supposed to be. When I told my husband I was leaving, and he saw that I wasn’t angry, but calm, resolved and clear headed, I think it dawned on him that everything I had been telling him about his own baggage was true. He received several confirmations of this in a multitude of ways, and I think he would even tell you that a light bulb went off. He has since started counseling, and he has become the person I always saw underneath. A good man whose soul has evolved, a man who loves the little boy inside of him, a man that feels worthy and knows that our past and our mistakes don’t define us if we choose for them to not define us, but that if we hold ourselves accountable and responsible, if we communicate with openness, and love from an unconditional heart, then we can live and lead a life worthy of us.

My soul is free to resume it’s own evolution. No one freed me, no one saved me, no one did those things because I did, I did those things by being willing to look at the ugliness, and my Shadow self. We only limit ourselves by choice, consciously or not, but always ultimately by our own choice. My husband and I both have a lot of room for growth, individually, and together in our relationship. We both are providing space for each other, we are both working towards a better self for a better us. No relationship is perfect, as we are proof of, but when you truly love and care about another person, you figure out how to walk a path together, for the betterment of all. We both feel like our marriage is actually just starting, and honestly, it feels terrific!

Stay tuned, my husband Bill will be contributing his own piece to The Photographist Life!

In life, we will go through many transitions, and even transition within transitions. Some of these transitions will be joyous, some will be devastating, some will make us wonder how we got through and some will make us glad we had to change things. Hopefully though, we can see the beauty in any of these situations during or after, and that above all, we see the things that were required of us to transition and we marvel in our own personal strength.

We start life with the building blocks of our parents and loved ones taking care of us, and showing us the way. The people before us lay the foundation not only for the starting point of our lives, but the way in which we may go about and pursue life, even showing us what our possible expectations in life could be. As we grow, we see the things we like about those building blocks, that we want for ourselves, and other times, we realize there is opportunity for transitions to occur to change our lives or our expectations that differ from the previous generations for our own growth. Neither is wrong, neither is right, just one is different than the other. For some, this can cause great relief to make a different choice, to reach out and grab what is meant for them, and their life. On the flip side of that, it can also result in strained relationships of those that came before you, because it may feel insulting to them, even though you just seek different from what they know. One of the most important pieces of wisdom a lot of us have been told in our lives from elders and older generation loved ones, is to not forget our roots, ie, the building blocks. Sound and sage advice my father and grandmother gave me at different times in my life, and the way that they both told me was said with love and reverence and told to me in positive situations. Those words have gotten me through some rough transitions in life, because there is support, caring and love there I could rely on.

As we grow and mature, finding our way out in this life, we refer back to those building blocks but look to forging a new way for ourselves. We are eager to try new things, go on new adventures, we long for life to keep us on our toes possibly not knowing if we’ll fall or not…but that doesn’t keep us from having confidence in ourselves, finding some flexibility and rushing head long into new territory. For some of us, this could be marriage, children, moving away from our childhood homes and towns, embracing our true identities or maybe all of that and then some! Life transitions start with choices, forced or not, and we may be pleasantly surprised by what is yielded, either way.

We have made some choices, we have learned from the bad and relished the good, but we benefit from both. Good choices always look good at the time, and maybe they will always be determined as a good choice, time tells. We do however benefit from the bad as well as the good. Now, I can say that terrible things happen and sadly, we can’t do anything about that. We can’t alternately make any choices to change things that have already happened. We don’t always know why bad things happen. Sometimes we can see the choices that lead to the bad thing, but we simply cannot undo it and there isn’t a thing we can do about it. This is when we make do have the option to make another choice, do we attempt to move on, or do we collapse, fall and never recover enough to try anymore or ever?

Our transitions can be foretelling, they can look effortless, pitiful, awkward or down right crazy. They can look all of those ways, that all depends on perspective, to you and those observing your transition. New jobs, weddings, babies, new homes, new cars, accomplishing goals like graduation from all levels of education, are all great transitions that generally bring about joy for those personally experiencing it and to those that have been supportive and part of your journey. Even the folks not directly involved in these transitions are joyful when included in celebrating these happy types of life events. Unfortunately, not all transitions look pretty or are fun. Those on the outside may have an idea what has and is happening, and some of those people may hold space for us to travel along on our journey, helping us along the way in subtle or obvious ways. Some people have absolutely no idea what has occurred, how it has affected you and they only see you at a rough patch that is a result of a tough transition, coming or going, maybe in process. Ironically, nothing is permanent, so whether a good or bad transition, we should always provide space for people and keep our observations limited to what we see…seeing is believing, but don’t believe we see everything there is to see.

When things are good, things are great. When things are bad, well, that is STC, Subject to Change(thank you EJ Harris for reminding us of this, always). Things can look good on the surface, but be bad underneath. Things can look bad on the surface, but be healing underneath. Things can look effortless, but take a considerable amount of effort. Things can be easy today, rejoice, buy a lottery ticket perhaps. Maybe things are constant and stable, and you are itching for a change, or maybe you are thankful for the stability. The point is, have a good foundation for yourself, be flexible, give effort, celebrate the good things, be kind to yourself if you fall, and if you have to take a minute to breathe, steady yourself again and be ready for the next transition!

Thank you to my good friend Maria Murray for creatively collaborating with me on this post, for always providing me space to be me, for encouraging all of her students to breathe, to be kind to yourself and to love one another. If you would like to experience yoga transitions in Maria’s classes, you can find her at http://www.rainbowyogastudio.com

I have been looking all around and haven’t seen a thing that has given me cause to write about it. Truthfully, this has been a reflection of me, and not the world around me. So, I stepped back and started taking better care of myself. One of my favorite things to do in this instance is to a walk in Yoctangee Park, and so I did one day with my youngest daughter, camera in tow.

This guy right here, along with his ladies, stayed pretty close to us, and kept crossing our path. He had a lot to say when he was near us, some quackery sure, but it resonated with me on a deeper level. He was challenging what I thought of as beauty. He knew that he, along with his ladies, although grotesque by some standards, were nothing of the sort. They are magnificent, extraordinary birds whose beauty cannot be judged from afar, nor overlooked because there is so much more to them than meets the eye.

This handsome duck taught me a valuable lesson that day. When I forget or get so caught up that I fail to notice the beauty around me, all I need to do is take a walk through my neighborhood park, and remember that all things were created with beauty in mind, I just have to see it. Are you seeing the beauty around you?