The story is not over. We must carry on, because we choose to carry on.

Take the pause if you must. Observe if you can. Do not give up. Choose to carry on.

It is yet to be written. Carry on…because you choose to carry on.

I was talking to a good friend today, and we were discussing something somewhat deep and heavy. We were discussing abuses, how people end up there, how they get out, stay in the same space, how things are all different for different people. While we all like to think we will never find ourselves in an abusive situation, we often do, and a lot of the time without our knowledge or consent. Many of you may be disagreeing with me, and that is fine, but maybe what you define as abuse is only of a physical nature. Perhaps that difficult relative of yours is abusive and you just don’t know how to identify it.

I found myself in this situation. Most people I grew up with or who have known me my whole life would probably think there is no way that I would put up with being mistreated, or that I am too strong for that. Both things are very true, I am too strong for that, and no way would I tolerate that. Yet I did. Love makes you whacko. Love makes you accept things that are not yours to accept. Love and protectiveness keeps you in places you long to escape, especially when you have no options, or help.

I have been slowly and diligently fighting for my life, A life, for several years. As many of you know, I had Bell’s Palsy 3 years ago, exactly today. That was the beginning of my real fight, the start of what was a long time coming, the wake up call that I needed and yet denied. It was not the ground shaker God thought it was, because I had not hit rock bottom. You see, even though I felt helpless and hopeless, suicidal daily, it still wasn’t enough. I even had Children’s Protective Services called on me, because I felt that way, even though I assured the case worker that was not something I would do, and they could find that knowledge in my medical chart from my Bell’s visit to the ER. I explained why I was mentally and physically exhausted, stressed beyond belief, and that Bell’s Palsy had just set in and that I even told the doctor that I could feel that way, but choose not to act on it, thank God for Dr. Brad. I do appreciate the kind citizen that called CPS though, it proved that racism is a nasty thing and it isn’t always who you think it is. That is a story for another day.

Even though I had these experiences, I still kept going, kept enduring abuse, kept my children safe and kept my husband from further harm. I did what I was capable of doing, I remained a warrior, a survivor, and while I felt so out of control, I kept moving forward, every single day.

I always said that every 24 hours is a new opportunity, but I had gotten to the place that was even a bleak outlook. I was just looking to survive, and I did through the grace of Rainbow Yoga, breathing and being in a safe space, and a safe community. Without that place, those girls, the women I became friends with, I am not really sure if I could have made it to the other side of all of this. Seriously the odds were stacked against me, but someone was looking out for me to show me that place via Facebook ads. When things became weird and crazy in 2020, I relied on yoga, I still do, but in a different way. Breath work is seriously life altering, and you would be amazed at how much better you feel with it, than without it. I digress, but felt this important to include.

Anyhow, I have always had theories, thoughts, observations and experiences coupled with knowledge that have guided my thoughts and actions, I am highly intuitive, instinctual. I have always been patient and listen when dealing with other people, and their problems. I feel that I have helped so many people through the years and yet, I found myself helpless, in a hopeless situation. And I stayed in that place for a long time, slowly losing myself, my identity and my desire for anything.

I started reading things that I needed to find out about to help myself, my husband, my family. I started reading things that reminded me of what I already knew. I started seeing things that felt like slaps to the ass to get this “old nag” moving, and functioning, again. And then it happened, the thing that always happens after I realized I am seriously depressed, I got extremely angry. EXTREMELY.

A)Why did no one see how bad off I was? B)Why did no one ask me how they could help me? C)Why am I always the one figuring shit out to help others? D)Why was I throwing myself a pity party???

Well, here is what I know: I am good at hiding things about myself so as to not make people feel bad, to not burden others, and because I am the helper that others seek. No one is going to help you unless you ask for help, or unless they think you are in grave danger, and sometimes helpers are helping, just in quiet ways. I am an extremely strong, extremely kind person, and I often take on the rescuer/fixer role, so it looks like I am just weird or crazy when in reality I am suffering. I do not need to pity myself, nor victimize myself, nor do I need to linger in a spot I don’t want to be. Had I forgotten who I was???

Yes, the answer is YES. When you are around someone with a very poor mental health, it starts to wear you down, wear you thin and wear you out. You start taking on the same characteristics of the ill person, especially when they try to condition you like they were conditioned. To abuse you like they were abused, because, isn’t that normal? Isn’t this what life is like?

Nope, that is not normal, but that is how I found myself somewhere I never expected to be. I lowered myself to help lift another. I thought if I wasn’t so dynamic, the other person could feel secure, that they would rise, that they would come to trust, understand and acknowledge that they were in a bad way and that they could choose better for themselves. And you know what? That did not happen. Instead I ended up more miserable than them. Things did not change, they did not change and shame on me for thinking that betraying myself would be helpful, LOL. Always be true to you, people.

So, I decided to shirk all their crap off, straighten my crown, be the woman that I truly am. I told that person they no longer mattered, they were irrelevant to me, their problems are their own, they are not mine, nor mine to fix and their shit was no longer welcome in my life. Whew! This was actually received a bit better than I thought, but it still didn’t matter to me. They finally had reacquainted themselves with the real me, and I am larger than life, so buckle up, buttercup, take care of your own damn self.

I finally knew that in order for my life to change, I needed to make uncomfortable changes. I took a 6 month break from photography, I started seeing friends socially, I quit my beloved yoga studio. That one really hurt. I then paused and took several breaths, released what didn’t serve me, that wasn’t mine and the shame and disappointment I had for myself and for betraying myself. It was time.

I felt that I was in a different place, that I needed to stand on my own, that I needed to be solitary for a while and I needed to strip myself bare, to get back to my bones, so that I can build myself the way I choose to. I am doing yoga at home most days, but I pick up classes here and there, as I still need to function in polite society-even I as I undomesticate/rewild myself. I am done being small for all you insecure people out there. I am done being polite in lieu of honesty. I am no longer accepting your feeble excuses for how you treat me. Erin is back,and you have all been put on notice.

Oh, and I will be building my photography services up, so be on the look out for that because it is going to be awesome! May you all be your true selves, choose you always, and blessings to you all!

~Erin

Learn from this, learn from that, don’t do this, don’t do that. Is there a difference between the two? I think there is, I think there is a HUGE difference, and today I want to talk about it.

I grew up with the freedom to be wrong. No, I don’t think my parents/family enjoyed if I made a mess, if I spilled something, or if I broke something. However, I feel that when I was wrong, I was often asked what I learned, and if I would do things the same, or differently given the same opportunity again.

I always reported what I learned when I knew right away, or honestly said I wasn’t sure what I learned, if anything. When I mentioned this, I was encouraged to give it time, see how things shook out, and observe what might give me insight in to what I learned. As an adult, I recognize this is a practice in patience, it was true then, and it is still true now. Sometimes you have to wait to see what you learn.

I realize, that some people were not as fortunate as me to have the support of a grandmother that was patient and willing to discuss things with me. Some people could not make mistakes in their formative years, they could not learn from their mistakes, and they have done/do all kinds of hiding from making mistakes further on down the line in life, to the point that as adults they suffer and there is a lot of fall out from it. This saddens me, but it also make me more appreciative of what I had.

Knowing the freedom of being wrong, has encouraged me to raise my kids the same, to be okay with being wrong, to learn from it, to grow from it. Mistakes and accidents happen, we don’t always make the correct choice first time around, often not the second time either, but if there is freedom to learn from our mistakes, we look for answers, solutions, or alternatives much quicker and much easier, don’t dwell or harbor guilt/ill feelings as long, if any, and we develop a courage to explore, create, to try, try, try. We evolve, mature, our character grows, and often we learn humility, like freedom, those are beautiful things.

Did you, or do you have freedom in being wrong? Can you identify what you learned, and do you observe to see how that develops in to more answers?

~Erin

I have been asking myself lately, who do I want to become? When I was younger, I asked myself this, I had some criteria i wanted to meet, some observations I felt helped guide me, some ideas of how I thought it should be, and some determination to see it all through. Now, though, I feel at a total loss to answer this question. I know who I am, and how I got here, but who do I want to be now/next/moving forward?

I am not going to lie, I have not really challenged myself in trying to answer this question. Each time the thought flits through my mind, I quietly, nonchalantly, swipe it under a rug where it can hide and I can avoid it. If I do not see it, it does not exist and I don’t have to address my lack of living or choosing. I don’t have to think or challenge myself this way, and quite frankly, that disturbs me. I am not a hider, I don’t deflect and I don’t shirk what needs done. I used to love life, I want to love life again. Hiding and deflecting solve nothing, is this who I have become?

It is a simple question, really. I have built the whole foundation up to this point. I have chosen what makes me who I am. I have eliminated the things I don’t want to be, absorbed and molded who I want to be, so why can’t I just answer the damn question??? And as I sit here, feeling a bit ashamed, a bit scared, a bit nervous, a bit pissed, I realize that my my identity has not been nurtured or cared for in a LONG time. And the ton of bricks hits me.

I loved raising my kids. Hands down, it was the most important thing I have ever done. It was the most prestigious job I have ever had. It is the most rewarding thing I will ever do in my life. And it was the most humbling opportunity I have ever been given. I am thankful to have done what I have to this point.

I loved supporting my husband, watching him flourish with his job, and seeing how far and high he could fly, knowing his time to work is not over yet and the best is yet to come for him. I have encouraged him in his endeavors, stood by him supporting and listening, giving advice when needed. It has been a joy to watch him succeed, to grow, flourish, reap the rewards. I am proud of him and his hard work paying off.

I have been blessed to watch many people come and go from my massage therapy practice. I have treated so many amazing people over the years. I watched them find solutions to their body’s problems, helped them to reach out for what they want in life, listened to their woes and triumphs, and held many of them while they cried. I shared my gift of helping others with those that have sought me out, that gave me a chance, that thanked me for a job well done. I only succeeded because of who I was gifted to be, who I wanted to become, who I thought I could be, and the desire to play detective, searching out the answer to the questions and challenges put forth before me. I can tell you that you need an ultrasound on your aortic arch, and yet, I can’t answer who I want to become.

Man, I read back over that and I am either about to accept an award, or kick the bucket! LOL!! How maudlin, but amusing! Do you know that I actually forgot that I was funny? True story. I have felt like the only things I could say recently were gloomy, sad truths, or self pitying. I even stopped giving large amounts of sage advice, namely because I have limited my interactions to individuals or small groups of people. To sum it up, I gave up on people. I gave up on myself. And you know what I did? I kicked myself in the ass and said, “Get the fuck over yourself, quit the pity party and move on!”.

I am the queen of turning down invitations, cancelling plans, or ignoring you when you want me to do something with you. It isn’t because I don’t like you or that you are lacking in some way, this is all me, where I have gotten to, and who I have become. I have known for a while this was starting to catch up with me in a very detrimental way, my mental health was struggling, I needed to nix this behavior/response ASAP. I knew it was going to make me unhappy and uncomfortable to change, but I had to start changing. I started to do things, with people other than my clients and family, I started to live again, and holy hell has it been painful?!

It has often been hard for me to go out in public, to do normal things, to be around people. The reasons don’t matter today, maybe not ever again, what matters is that I started small, by going for walks, to coffee, sometimes lunch with a trusted friend. I then started to accept and not cancel some invitations to do the same with a few other trusted friends. Last week, I made a major leap, I went out of town to shop with a friend. Joe, if you only knew how hard that was for me. I knew I had to do that with you, and only you. And then you bought me the Moon. Literally people, he bought me the moon. Cry fest, and he has no idea what it really means until he reads this. I struggle with post traumatic stress, which makes me seem a bit agoraphobic, where you can’t leave your house or you feel unsafe in certain environments, but I knew that I was safe with Joe, and that I would be okay…even if I did worry about having a panic attack and considered canceling several times. Again, I know why, but that’s for a different day.

I am so off topic at this point but not really. I don’t care what people think, how anyone takes this post, how some may pity me, think they know me, or if they understand why I wrote this post. I don’t care because I am on a new journey. A healthy journey. One for my mind, one for my body, and one for my soul. I am starting fresh on this level, with a foundation of who I have become, heading toward exactly who I am meant to be. I am already en route to becoming who I am currently journeying to be, so don’t mistake this for me searching for myself, because I am not. I know me, and part of this journey is getting back to me, to go forward. I am leveling up.

This level, folks, it is for me, this journey is for me, I am doing it for me. I am becoming who I need me to be and it feels good to tell you this. I have fought making it about me, but you know what? My life is about me, it is mine, and while we orbit others’ lives, mine is mine, is mine, is mine. So I best get to living it, and keep looking forward to the next best version of me, keep leveling up and stop standing still or looking back.

All forward moving from here.

~Erin

We are all on a journey. Life is the journey, there are many processes, chapters, books, experiences, etc on life’s journey. We fail, learn, and grow. We succeed, get better, and reach milestones. We often find that our environment is not conducive to where we are on the journey, or maybe we are not personally synced for where we are. This is a story of such a thing, being out of sync to finding balance.

Hi, my name is Erin and I am 44. My hair has been going gray for sometime. Technically, I am silvering, but that is really just code for gray. At first, I was bothered by this, I am too young to be old, to look old, to be showing my wisdom. You could say that I am fighting aging through coloring my hair, that is accurate, that is fair, but it isn’t the whole picture.

I have been in an environment for a while with younger people, and while I see where they are on their journey, as I have been there too, they didn’t see where I was, and it affected me. Now, it didn’t bother me in the sense that they didn’t get me, how could they, they have yet to have my experience and knowledge. But it bothered me in the sense that their concerns and interests didn’t really jive with my own, we are not truly in alignment. I didn’t fault them, but I had observed that they treated me differently, as irrelevant, sometimes even with pity.

I started to think there was something wrong with me, that I was a washed up, pathetic has been, or maybe never was. Maybe by coloring my hair, I was trying to remain young, hip, and contemporary to fit in. And so I decided to stop coloring my hair and go gray. If my inside was to match my outside, I was going to embrace the wisdom earned and show these people what I was about.

I consulted with my hair stylist, told her my plan and she told me how we would achieve my desired results, slowly over time. I was excited, unsure at points and ready to show the wisdom I had obtained over the years, one silver hair at a time. I am relevant, I am wise.

For several months I let my natural hair color grow out, waiting to see all these glorious silver hairs to present themselves, a showing to all around me that I know myself, I know my worth, I know my capabilities and I am not who you want me to be, I’ll be whoever the hell I want to be. I’ll be ME.

And then nada. Those 20 silver hairs on each temple, and the 50 random silvery gray hairs on my crown showed me that while my natural hair color is slowly fading, I really didn’t have a plethora of gray/silver hair like I had anticipated. Wow, now what? How does this align me with my plan?

Did that mean I wasn’t wise? No. Did that mean I was irrelevant? No. Did that mean that I was a had been or never was? HELL NO. What that meant was that I was in the wrong place around the wrong people. Once I admitted that to myself, I also thought, well yeah, but you have known that for a while, you just wouldn’t admit it.

This was never really about my hair. This wasn’t about not knowing myself or being affected by others, and their possible opinions of me. This was about me having much to offer this world and not doing it. I am not doing what I want and need to do, and it took me going gray to not only admit it, but to do something about it. It is all part of the process, on the journey. The problem is/was my visibility. I did not want to be seen. We’ll talk about that later though.

Oh, and yes, I will be going back to coloring my hair soon. ~Erin

Happy Father’s Day to all of you dads, biological or not! Today is a day to honor the man in your life that has been a father figure to you, or your loved ones, and to all the men out there that have raised their own children or the children of their hearts.

My father has been a great role model to me and my own children in so many ways over the years. He doles out sage advice with humor and direct words, but also with the spice of expectation, he wants you to succeed, expects you to succeed. In essence, when he says BE BOLD, he means don’t just take a chance on yourself, create the chance, execute the plan, succeed, and come on over to tell me about it. Don’t wait for something to happen, make it happen!

Dad had not left the state in about 35 years, had no desire to really, but he always wanted to see the St. Louis Archway, and we wanted to show him KC, so when he told us last year that he wanted to go on a trip, we really didn’t believe him, or that he would actually go. We made all the necessary plans, mom even rented an RV for us to travel in comfort, all for my dad to live his own words, BE BOLD.

If you know my father, you know that he has never met a stranger, no such thing exists in his world. He makes friends as easily as some people breathe, it’s just natural, it’s reflexive, it is simply him. To say that my dad is adventurous, is not only accurate, but doesn’t even come close to the truth. He is BOLD.

FUN is a word many of us associate with my dad, funny is probably a more closely related word to his truth. There is never a dull moment with this guy, he is after all BOLD, and he encourages all around him to BE BOLD too. Some may say, “do you mean he is a bad influence?”, no, he won’t influence what isn’t already present within you, but he will enhance it. He wants you to enjoy his company as much as he enjoys his own, and his zest for life, well, he wants that to rub off on you too!

My dad has always lamented on the simple things in life, he is no grand gesture sort of man. He knows the value of time well spent, a smile, a laugh and sometimes a cry, but that is typically, but not always, humor based too. He loves animals, animals love him, and yes Doug, I expect a joke about my mom thrown in right about now. Mom, you’ll get your own post, even if it isn’t Mother’s Day, but I regress. It is the simple things that make life worth living, and when you are BOLD like my dad, those simple things multiply, magnify, and satisfy your thirst for life.

Speaking of thirst, I will always remember this trip, these places, and the stories that go along with it. I want more of these times with you, Dad. Take my father’s advice, BE BOLD, in all areas of your life, create the good times, the laughter and the fun. Here’s to the next round, “Let’s do shots!”.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY DAD!!! We love YOU!!!

Everything I write is meant for you. Well, maybe it isn’t for right now, or it isn’t directed at you, but it is for you to determine in what way it has or could apply to you or your life. I write knowing that I have no clue how it might apply to you, your life, or someone you know. The purpose of what I write is meant to be a spark that either resonates with you now, or for the future so you can turn the light on your life.

I don’t respond to someone yelling at me. My last post was a reflection of that. I think we are in a place in this world, that we can all agree, there are so many differences within us all, and we all just want to be accepted for whom we are. Some people don’t want to share that with the world, and that is okay, they will go at their own pace and comfortability. Some people will seek out others like themselves, to find familiar souls with whom they can release a sigh of contentment, happiness or at minimum, acceptance. Some folks will announce that this is them, take it or leave it, and they move on with their lives to pursue what ignites a fire within them. And then you have the yellers, the people who are in your face, forcing you to not only accept them, embrace them, but you better also stand with them or you are assuredly against them. I have a problem with the last group, and this is why.

I respect all people, in all identities. I embrace all kinds of people, with all kinds of likes, interests, personalities, genders, preferences, needs, wants, etc etc etc. What I do have a major problem with is someone not knowing how I, or others, feel because there was no communication about it, just assumptions based upon quietness, that the person feels they then have a right to scream in my ear about, to disrespect my personal boundaries, get in my face or spew hatred towards me and others because they are not getting their demands met without even knowing where the other person stands.

I mean, if you want to meet me where I stand, have a respectful conversation about something important to you, I will happily do that. What I won’t do is tolerate your disrespectful actions disguised as activism, progressive teachings, or straight up bullying tactics to get your way to make you feel heard, seen, loved, accepted, or worthy. That all comes from within.

Not everyone will accept you. I accept that not all will accept me, for whatever reason a person chooses, this is none of my business, nor is it my duty to change, however to accept, to be so solid with myself that none of it matters is the most important. I am sure I will be lectured over this at some point, and I say please, talk with me about it, don’t make assumptions and don’t scream at me. I wouldn’t do that to you, and for the love, stop grouping all similar people in groups, which you also hate being done to you, I might point out.

This may seem like it is a pointed post, and honestly, it is. It is pointed at all the people that demand, extort, blackmail, bully, hate others into seeing, hearing, accepting, loving or “finding worthiness” in them. Turn on the light, look within before you look outwardly. Perhaps you need to examine what is inside yourself before you find fault and make demands of other people, especially if you are not not seeing, hearing, respecting, loving or accepting of others, possibly with a side of not doing it for yourself. *Turn on the light*

Fist in the air, mean mugging, lip snarl, righteous. Who is with me?!? Who stands against me?!? You don’t have to listen, cause I will scream it in your ear!!! I.AM.RIGHT.!!!! What does that make you?????? WRONG!!! Who has control??? I HAVE CONTROL!!!

It’s okay if you saw Billy Idol while reading this. It may date you, but ya ain’t wrong! Or, maybe you are? Could have been a bit Janet Jackson for all you know. Anyhoo, maybe we all oughta pull our knickers out our rumps and have a wee sit to cool our jets?!

I want to discuss control and being right today, or the need to be so, and how we interact with people in regards to these things. I am finding many people are experiencing a major shift right now, we could say it has to do with Mercury Retrograde, or we can say it involves evolving for our own lives, evolution of our souls, and ultimately our world. But today, I want to focus on being right, and having control.

The need to have control is typically derived from a chaotic environment that needed/needs order, or, the need to be the person that dictates everything, which also serves as a sense of balance. Now, in those separate things, they may both be coming from a place unhealed for yourself, a parent wound, or perhaps even a spousal wound-which most likely derives from the previous two. Control is really a false illusion, when you break it down. We can control our bodies, our thoughts, our actions. We can even control others through abuse, trickery or limiting their options. We can think we have control of a situation, but really all we did was take away the oxygen in the room, so it can fuel our internal fire that rages out of control…having no control causes forced control. So, how does control and being right coexist, partner or not match up??

The need to be right says, hear me, see me, acknowledge me, pay attention to me!!! I have been squelched and now “you will hear every damn word I say!”. Bonus points if you can tell me what movie that came from and who said it. The need to be right says you have value, but are not being valued, and probably not being seen, heard, etc.. What happens though when your needs associated with being right, causes you to be wrong? Have you been “right” for so long that you can’t see how you are wrong? Is your expectation of being right forcing your thoughts, beliefs and views on to others that maybe don’t see how you are right, or maybe they can actually see where you are wrong and instead of having an open discussion, you scream in their ear that YOU ARE RIGHT AND YOU WILL BE HEARD???

So you take control of the situation, sucking the oxygen from the air, diminishing the other person and their right to see things differently, just so you can be right, and have a sense of control? Oooh. Oops, ya done messed up now. Because this makes you a hypocrite, maybe a control(less)freak, an unhealed, possibly trauma bonded, brainwashed lump. Well snap, ya done gone off into a poor state of mental health now. So how do you correct that???

Step 1: You accept that others have an opinion differing from your own.

Step 2: You take a closer look at yourself and try to figure out why a differing opinion than your own bothers you. Has something colored your perception with being right and needing control?

Step 3: You come to realize that maybe you have some self work to do, then you “Do the f*ucking work!”.

Step 4: You learn to ebb and flow in life, the differences we all possess make us beautiful, make this world beautiful, and if the differences are non harming, what does it really matter in the end?

Step 5: Learn to breathe, relax, find or create joy, oh, and mind your own business. Because if you have time to control others or force your need to be right on them, you probably have time to work on yourself.

For more tips, honesty and interest in my thoughts, subscribe to my feed. At minimum, it redirects your focus and may make you think!

I stumbled across a DIY tutorial on how to make a vase from dipping romaine leaves in concrete. To say I was initially perplexed, would be accurate. Do you ever find yourself asking why someone would make something frivolous, impractical, maybe even wasteful? Yep, I found myself doing the same, and then I chastised myself for it. I know better than that, I know that my opinion does not matter, and that we all see things differently, but I also recognized the hypocrisy of my judgment. So, why did I immediately judge?

Honestly, it is because my creativity has been stifled and lacking here of late. Not all creatives want to admit to this, but I fess up and embrace it. See, while I found dipping romaine leaves in concrete to form a vase a bit in poor choice, I also recognized I never thought of it, someone else wondered whether it could be done, and did it. Personally, I wondered how the lettuce decomposing would affect the concrete, wouldn’t the moisture break down the concrete? I truly don’t know, and maybe it would, but it really was very cute in it’s solid form. And in that, I see the beauty of it.

Finding the beauty in it was not all I received though. I also thought of the joy it would bring to the maker every time they remembered making it. If the maker gifted it to another, the joy would then be spread to the recipient, doubling or tripling the happiness derived from what others view as nonsensical or impractical. What if the vase recipient received flowers from another friend to put in the Romaine vase?? Joy then becomes exponential.

We are quick to make judgments, but are we just as quick to amend or think those thoughts through to arrive somewhere different? I know I work at that, encourage others around me to see different perspectives too. I mean, who would have thought that a random art project of turning romaine leaves in to a vase would spur a blog post about judgment and freeing ourselves to allow more joy?!? I sure didn’t see that coming.

To see my inspiration for this post, Find the video from MetDaan DIY https://pin.it/4alhWLg here: https://pin.it/7mak7EG

If you knew how many things I write, and never publish, you would see a very lopsided draft to publish ratio. I write pieces, often. I rarely let my thoughts and ideas be seen. This all seems counterproductive, even counterintuitive for a creative, but there you have it, many words go unread up in here.

I have often thought, why don’t I just journal these thoughts instead of making them in to blog posts that will never see the light of day? I do journal, but my journaling is more spiritual in nature, my blog posts are more based in human nature. As I write this, I feel there is an important key being placed in my hand. I don’t write about the good stuff, per se, I write about the real stuff.

That is a bit of a downer, even to my own ears, er, eyes. Why do I feel so compelled to write about the real stuff? Well, I write about the real stuff because I think that we tend to ignore the real, difficult things in life. We tend to want to push it down or away, hoping out of sight is out of mind, and if it is out of sight/out of mind, then we don’t have to confront it, let alone deal with it.

Why is this important to me? I feel this is the basis/beginning of our mental health. Over the last year, watching everything unfold as it has, I have come to the startling realization that our mental health collectively is extremely poor. I have known for some time that people have poor mental health, but we are grossly mentally ill as a society.

Mental health is not something we really discuss or place importance on, and for the older generations, I think that worked. It could be overcome, maybe overpowered is a better word, because you basically got out what you put in. And while that still holds true today in a sense, the mental health of people today is based upon the avoidance of it yesterday. But I am sure it has always been that way, I think that further solidifies what I am trying to say. It all just keeps adding up, and keeps getting passed on to the next generation.

This creates quite a storm. A mental health shit storm if you will. People have no idea there is an issue. I mean, they can’t physically see it or typically feel it, so there is nothing wrong, right? Have you noticed how angry people are these days? Do you know that anger is an emotion. Emotions tell us how we are feeling, they can serve as internal warnings that something is wrong, or they tell us that something feels right…and sometimes that can be wrong! Argh!!!

It is no wonder that we are, where we are. How many of you were mad at people for not wearing masks? How many of you were mad at people wearing masks? How many of you just wanted to see another person’s face, regardless of the mask debate?? So many confusing, emotion invoking feelings, and we are just talking masks and not anything else!

So, how did this past year alter your mental health? I know for some, they just kept plugging right along. For others, I think this past year was a relief to be able to interact with less humans than normal. Many people saw a decline in their mental health this past year, some of those folks know this, so many others do not. Personally, I steadily have been building pressure and I finally blew up a couple weeks ago.

My own experience over this past year started with gaining a much needed break for me and my family in March of 2020. After that break, the disappointments started rolling in. Then the corruption of our government started taking a toll. Then people all around me started pissing me off, with their opinions or their dumping of their undealt with emotions, and while I tried to remain positive and supportive, I tripped and fell into old bad habits of being too available to people. This coupled with old issues of my own and loved ones, in addition to trying to live a normal hectic life, just brought it all crashing down.

I became depressed. I became angry. My hatred for others started to mount and grow. I saw others fraying horribly, and passing it off as someone else’s problem and not their own, and finally, FINALLY, I talked about it. And now, I am writing about it. I am still making plans to help myself, one thing at a time. The first thing I had to do was distance myself from the external less important things that I had no control over. I also had to seclude myself from people that were trying to use me as a life raft. I can’t swim, so that was only drowning us both. My mental health had to take the front seat, and others need to do the same as well.

Making yourself, or your mental health a priority over serving others is not selfish. You cannot pour in to others from an empty cup. You cannot fulfill nor make other people happy if they are not happy with themselves. You cannot heal someone else, but you especially cannot help someone if you are not healed yourself. You cannot take on others’ problems to alleviate their pain. You cannot make people get help if they are unwilling. You can do one thing, and one thing only: you can be aware of you, and figure out how to help yourself if you need it. If you are unsure, you can ask a loved one or friend for advice, but the work is on you. You can seek out a healthcare professional, but remember, you need to know your starting point, that may be as simple as knowing you just don’t feel right.

It is no longer May, nor mental health awareness month, but shouldn’t every month be about mental health awareness? Shouldn’t we be well for ourselves, and that just so happens to benefit those around us? Yes. To end, I wants to challenge you to do one thing positive for your mental health this week. Maybe you turn off the news, maybe you put down your phone, maybe you tell someone no, maybe you go to a yoga class or read a book. Whatever you choose to do, do it for your health, your mental health, because head colds of the mental variety can end up as mental shit storms and no one wants that.

~Erin