Yesterday, I spoke to you about accelerant, today I want to talk to you about holding yourself back for others to grow so they can catch up with you. Yeah, don’t do that. Some days I feel that God really does wring every drop from me and my service, and I can honestly tell you, it is exhausting, and a bit discouraging too.
See, when people are older than you, it’s stands to reason they will be more mature than you, and I am here to tell you, that just isn’t always the case. With age, wisdom does not always come. Sometimes it becomes a matter of us holding our boundaries and forcing another’s hand. Maybe that causes distance, or severed ties, but why is that s bad or wrong? I don’t think it is, I think it is exactly right because it gives people space and time to think about what went wrong, how they went wrong, and what their part in that was. If you are fortunate, they will grow up and mature to a point that you can resume some sort of relationship with them, maybe, not always.
I feel like I have been stuck in a family’s issues of immaturity, trauma, conditioning and bullshit baggage for about 23 years now. And if you either read between the lines or know me, then you know it is not my own family. We have had our share of issues, but I trusted what God told me and that worked itself out fairly quickly…if 3 years is quick. I trusted God yesterday when he said make a move, and you know what, I let go, I trusted and I said okay. Dive off that cliff and go.
Where am I. Not a question, a statement. I am somewhere I do not want to be. I have legs, I can fly so I also must have wings, so why am I stuck with this weighted down version of myself? I put others first. Point blank. I jumped on the bomb and said I will protect all. I was aware, I made a choice, I chose to willingly sacrifice myself for others. No, I am no martyr as I expect people to get their shit together and to grow up eventually, freeing me as they do. It is past time, the time on the clock ran out. Now my thin patience is fragile, it keeps breaking and my ability to repair it, is nonexistent. So what does that mean?
It means I am a danger to society. I may snap at people, I may not hold back what needs said. It means that tiptoeing around things is not an option for me. It doesn’t mean I lack self control, you haven’t seen my name in the Scioto Post, but it does mean that I will rip every one of your bandaids off and hold your face in the wound to make you look at it, and you can either deal with it and heal it, or you can do something pointless, ensuring that I will walk away and not look back…because I don’t need to hold me back or suffer for another, anymore.
The most dangerous person is the one that can walk away. This person can also recognize what problems are theirs, and what is another’s. Dangerous people differentiate to find solutions, to accept responsibility and accountability. Did you wake up feeling dangerous today? I know I sure did.
I have not replayed the conversation with my husband and my mother-in-law from yesterday, at all. You know why? Because I don’t have to. She admitted and apologized to my husband for many things. Did she apologize to me? No, and that is okay to me. Was I hurt because of all of the fallout from her problems, yes, for sure. I don’t need an apology from her because she finally claimed her issues, she finally acknowledged to him what her part was. She passed her crap to him, and he took it out on me. Guess what I did with it? I said NO MORE. I didn’t pass it along. I carried it for them both, as I screamed “Grow the f*ck up!”.
So when I say I am tired, I am. I carried his crap, his mom’s crap, his dad’s crap, my mom’s crap, my dad’s crap, and I didn’t pass a damn thing down for my kids to carry. Instead I dealt with what I carried, and I showed my kids a different way. Was I a perfect parent, no. I tell my kids all the time that if they hate me at some point for what I have shown them or who I was to them, I accept full responsibility for that, I will carry that. If they don’t want to talk to me for a period or forever, because they are dealing with what I have done, I accept that and I carry that. The buck stops here. I woke up feeling dangerous, because I am.