TAP 61/70-Great Expectations, Delivery, & Solo Rebirth

If you can only imagine, I am, and have been, over complicating my days. To be honest, I should be looking at every day like a blank canvas, layering my day like you would a painting. I should start with my background, my day, with exercise, add some color for the first layer, which would be good food and hydration, then keep adding color for shapes and textures, that would be things I need to get done, finishing with details, things I want to get done. This looks and sounds pretty simple, right?

Yes, it should be easy, the problem is that I have caught myself in a web of expectation. We’re going on a mind trip, so follow along…

We do, do, do, do. Then one day, we realize we can’t keep doing, but we keep doing anyhow. So we keep doing, doing, doing. Slowly over time, we notice we are doing less and less, until we come to a complete stop. What the hell happened? We are a doer, not a half way doer either, we can do it all, we DO do it all. We dododododododo. But now? We can’t. So we stop. And while we are stopped, we realize we have NO idea how we got here, basically the middle of nowhere. So we just stand here, somewhat confused as to all the events leading up to standing somewhere unrecognizable.

Great! This means we can go anywhere and fo anything! Ah, but no, we can’t. We can’t because we are caught up in all the expectations. We have all this time, we can have the cleanest, most organized house ever! So we start on that, get some stuff done, but realize this is not where our focus should be! Noooo. We should make sure everyone has home cooked dinner everyday! Yes, the family deserves nutrition, home cooked, Cooke with love meals! So we cook…but that isn’t it either…

We keep hearing that we need to take this time for ourselves, to focus on our health, doing what makes us happy and what fills our soul. But what about the expectation to do for everyone else? They all say, no, just take care of you! We want you to show up for you! So you make plans to exercise more, yes, this will start my day off great! But then, you show up for you, to have the class leader not bother to show up…great, maybe this is a sign?!? Maybe I am ahead in permanent servitude to others?

And you become bitter, resentful, angry, snarly and surly. For the love of God, please take time for yourself, you truly need to take care of you! And so you say you will, but you find you are still gridlocked in this idea of expectation. When did this problem start, and how deep is it???

Let me tell you, it is very old, and very deep. The fact that I was taught to ignore myself for another’s needs, and I have operated from that place for 45 years, to my detriment, it is seriously rocking my world, and not in a good way. So, I am stripping it back.

I retired from my job. I cut off most all people, even those that don’t have an expectation of me, but that have such high expectations of themselves, I don’t need the influence. I have been going about my day, where it is leading me-each day, day by day. And the expectation to do is getting worse every day. I am not finding relief, I am not taking care of myself, I am eroding slowly and it is a shit process. Yesterday though, I had a pretty big break through. And here is what I learned/remembered:

• Dealing with trauma that you feel is dealt with, may have many, many layers
• I was never not good enough
• I was better than good, as proven through all that I have done
• Neglect is a problem, from ourselves, from others, expectations can appear like engagement, it is not
• I do not have to prove anything, to anyone, maybe YOU need to prove something to me, but I am not supposed to have expectations, just supposed to accept others’ expectations of me
• I don’t have to soften or be nice to you, just because you think I do
• Comparisons only make one person feel better, even if you outperform the one you are compared to
• Some people don’t need or deserve a place at my table
• Don’t judge me if you don’t know how I honor people…ie, accept their limitations yet make concessions for them

So, for the foreseeable future, I will be writing daily. I will be listening to what each day is currently asking of me. I will start to listen to myself again, and only. I am accepting rebirth, as a solo endeavor, with a solo self upbringing, and a solo life. Meaning that I will birth me, raise me, and celebrate me. Accepted or not, I truly don’t care.

For the next week, I will not be posting my writings on Facebook. You can follow via email subscription, or follow along via WordPress. Thanks for reading, see you all tomorrow.