Challenging my Femininity
**WARNING: This post contains crude words and strong language.**
So, I had a friend tell me one day that I am very masculine. I dress masculine, I speak with masculinity…I identify with the Sun more than the Moon…UH, okay, what is your point??? Sure, I dress in and Snap On apparel, um, my husband works for the company and I like how soft the t-shirts are, I also like free things? I speak my mind because I like clean and clear communication and not demure, easily misunderstood, let’s be so polite it that it just creates hard feelings language…and? I admit out loud and with pride that I am good at certain things…does that make me cocky or confident? Personally, I don’t feel that I should again, demure, and act like I am insecure or unsure of myself or my skills when I know how hard I have worked for those skills, that knowledge and that experience. And I have to favor the Moon over the Sun to be feminine? Um, nope. I think the Moon is terrific, I really do. But the Sun makes me happy with sunshine on my face. I love getting Vitamin D, so many benefits from that one, and the sun is where I send all of my negativity to be burned off and returned to the Earth for nourishment for plants and humans alike. As I will be doing over the next several days. Positive cycles are something I buy into wholeheartedly. Again friend, what is your actual point, or do you really have one? What is your agenda?
I don’t wear a lot of jewelry most of the time, and sometimes I wear none at all. I have sensitive skin, and sometimes the less of anything I have on, the better. The weight and pressure of jewelry is excruciating to me at times. I told my husband years ago to please not buy me jewelry, I wouldn’t want to waste money on something I will most likely never wear. I wish that I could be like my friend Angie and always wear super cute earrings. I compliment her, and comment each time she wears a pair I have never seen. First, she is darling and her earrings accent that about her. Secondly, I admire that she can wear these works of art on her body and I cannot, it enhances her inner and outer beauty. My friend Angie is awesome, I doubt she thinks I am masculine, but then again, she isn’t threatened by me either. She owns her own AWESOME. Love you, Ang and appreciate you.
Do I actually only dress in Snap On attire? No. I wear a litany of clothing articles, of varying colors, none of which are all white. Yes friend, I will NEVER wear an all white shirt. I am a stain magnet. When your breasts are as large as mine, you are an inevitable stain magnet, whether you are eating or not. Also, I am pale. White and pale skin are not very compatible. I wear black. I make no apologies or excuses for that. First, black is every color. Not the absence of color, but EVERY color. I like black because it stays “cleaner” than light colors…remember, I am a stain magnet. Black goes with anything. Black is slimming. And I don’t care who told you that black absorbs energy(okay I concede this has some scientific merit in some way), but when I do energy work, black blocks, black protects, black grounds, black is invisible and settling to clients on a table, oh and too, black is not color reflective while doing photo shoots. Black is a color that is classic. I LOVE BLACK.
I decided somewhere along the way, that it is okay to admit when I know something good about myself. So, when you tell me I am good at something, and I say I know…I literally know, and can admit it to myself. I don’t do my best for the praise, I don’t do my best so that you can tell me about it. I do my best to satisfy myself and my own standards. My clients will tell you that praise falls on these deaf ears. I want to hear my services helped you, that you feel better or that you love the images I did for you, not for my own vanity, but because of how it made you feel, I genuinely want you to be happy. I am my own worst critic, so my self praise/satisfaction, is what I am aiming for. I appreciate the kind words, but kind words are not always genuine, I want something more tangible than praise…and I am NOT reducing my self worth to needing others’ pretty words. Personally, if I say something nice to you, I genuinely mean it, it is coming from my heart and soul. Granted a lot of people speak like this, but I am not one to need the words. Maybe this makes me masculine???
To be crass, I have a vagina and breasts. Hello feminine. I self identify as Female, BECAUSE I AM. My period is not synced with the Moon, and I am perfectly okay with that. Do I see how the Moon and Female cycle is connected? Sure do, but I am not defined by whether me and Mother Moon are in cyclic sync. Maybe I am MORE feminine because I love the Sun? Sun represents masculine energy, and I love men tremendously. Specifically, I loved the grandfather whose words set in motion my life of helping to heal others. I love my dad who treated me as an equal, he worked me like a boy on the farm at times, he taught me a lot of “manly” things involving animals, tools, problem solving pragmatically, how to chew tobacco at a tender age, and he is the person I consult on a lot of matters in life. Not because I can’t make a decision, no the decision is made before I even call him, but I do call because we think a lot a like and reason through problems very similarly. My husband, I love so very much about my husband. That does not mean that we haven’t had our problems and issues, no, it means that we have worked and grown through them. In addition to his beautiful personality, I love all of the physical qualities, male qualities, that attracted me to him. I am a girl that loves a good triceps on a man, nothing is hotter than a well developed triceps on a man…well, mostly;) Sorry Bill, I may admire triceps on other dudes, but yours is the only one I want to reach out and touch and cuddle up to at night(no metaphors involved here, straight triceps talk).
And what about my feminine influences in life? I was raised by beautiful, softly strong women. My grandmothers, greats included, were all amazing women that were single/widowed for a very long time. These women lived by themselves, took care of themselves and never compromised their self worth just to be with another man. They were all different and unique from each other. One grandma wore dresses and skirts most of my life, but she could wrangle an animal and scale a fence like any man I know. My maternal grandma wore fingernail polish and Youth Dew, but she could out drink a man in Budweiser any day of the week. And then there is my mom. I once had a coach tell me that I was not to use foul factory language(I said shoot under my breath, but he was hell bent on saying he heard me say shit), because my mom worked in the same factory as him…personally, I’d rather cuss like a sailor than be a hypocrite that people don’t respect. My mom taught me how to endure. She showed me that I love to smell like a girl, she taught me to love my body even if my breasts were too large and feminine, but to appreciate that I was shapely and womanly.
I have two amazing daughters that I am raising. I am teaching them that no one defines them, only they do. They should be who they choose to be, not who the world or another small minded person may try to define them to be. They are girly some days, and some days they are not, a lot like their mother, but you know friend, you probably wouldn’t know that because you see me(and them) a VERY small fraction of the time, and typically first thing in the morning when I am about to go to yoga, looking all ratchet. I wear makeup, but not often because I have rosacea. I worked hard for clear skin and I am not about to lose that now, especially not to make someone think I am more feminine. You know what, my girls don’t wear makeup a lot either, they know they are beautiful and feminine without it, and so do I.
So, what is the point of this post? Did you touch a nerve? Do you think I am too defensive and that says something underlying about me. Damn right. I know what mental abuse is and you, my friend are doing just that to make yourself feel better, or to think you are better and higher in pecking order than I am. Joke is on you, I don’t subscribe to that BS, I have better things to do and I know exactly who I am. Do you know exactly who you are? I am infuriated that you, in your quest of Feminine power and ownership would dare label me, question me and biggest of all, think you know me so well that you could make assumptions based on a fraction of my time in your presence, or what someone else that I have never met thinks they know about me. This disgusts me, and shows me how weak of personality and character you truly are. I am all about owning my FEMININITY, and I am the only one that gets to define that, not you or anyone else. ME. If this post hurts your feelings or sensibility, then good sister, consider us even, and I hope you learned a little more about me, enough to know that you don’t really know a damn thing about me. And trust me, I know myself pretty damn well, and you do not. You need to take a step back and look at yourself, FO.
Please don’t read this and think it applies to you… it applies to one person, and only one person. That person will read this and know it’s directed at him/her. If you even have to question whether it’s you, then it’s clearly not you. Oh, by the way… don’t let the fact that you’ve angered me in any way make you think that your thoughts and actions are justified. Put simply, they are not. You don’t empower someone by stabbing them in the back with the hand that’s not hugging them, and you sure as hell don’t put them down in an attempt to raise yourself.
The Photographist Life 