The roles we play.

Are you playing a role in your own life? Are you playing multiple roles? Do you even know if you may be playing a role, as opposed to just being who you are? Whenever I find a common theme popping up in my life, this is the lightbulb that says write about it.

If we wanted a role in a play, we auditioned. Many of you may say, well, I don’t want to play a character, I just want to be me. What if I told you the roles we seek are comparable to when we were kids in gym class or recess, we just wanted to be picked? How about if I tell you that our roles often have to deal with our childhood, that we played roles for our parents or friends as a way of receiving love and finding self worth?

Many of us adults carry the childhood roles way far into our adulthood, doing the same or similar actions as those of what we did to get recognition and love from our parents and peers. We have fulfilled the roles for so long that we no longer realize that is what we are doing. Some may say, “this is my personality”, or this IS love, or this was how I was raised, or it’s not me, it’s you, as a way to explain their methods and ways of explaining themselves without understanding themselves. These are some examples of coping mechanisms, trauma, projection, finding and receiving love or self worth, acceptance.

When we don’t stop to examine what we have carried with us into adulthood, we more or less are saying we are not worth more, and neither are those around us. That is a pretty brash, hard statement, but truly, what is conditioning and what is choice? Do you know why you have a tendency to want to help/fix others? Do you know why you have a desire to be perfect? Do you know why you trust no men? If you can’t dissect and pinpoint why, you’ll never know why, things will not go how you want them to, and odds are it will be someone else’s fault, or you will blame yourself to the point that Jesus will look at you and ask if you are trying to take his position.

Some people will say that you can’t go back, you can only go forward. TRUTH. However, when you don’t examine the past, and look upon it with love and care, for you, your parents, for relatives, for people of influence, or friends, then you probably will short change you and anyone you have contact with in your present and future. Too many people think that looking at the past is a gateway to blaming your parents, caregivers, or friends for their flaws and failings, it is not. So what exactly is it?

It is a way for you to identify what you were tasked with, what you have not only brought to the present with you, but what you may think is just a part of you, and is actually a detriment to you. For example, I was a fixer/helper. My parents did not always get along, and I was the buffer, I fixed the situation so they would, at minimum, not argue. This carried over in to adulthood to where one time at a concert, I got between two grown men fist fighting. Yes, they stopped, but I put myself in harm’s way, which was stupid and dangerous. Why? Because I just reacted and did it. I realized this was a problem, that it was not my job nor duty, and the police showed up maybe 2 minutes after I got them to stop anyhow. I still tend to be a more diplomatic person, by choice, I have never run from conflict, I face it straight on, but how many people avoid conflict, and why? I have dealt with the childhood conditioning of my mediator status, to where what this entails now is listening, seeing both sides and communicating about it, but definitely not inserting myself where I am not asked to be, only being involved when asked or required for resolution.

How many of us are still living for our parents, relatives, or friends approval even if we know our parents don’t require that? How many of us think we are simply respecting our parents when we don’t communicate our disagreement or boundaries to them? How many of us are also putting this on our kids, who may in turn put it on their kids? And why is voicing our thoughts, opinions, dislike or disdain for our parents actions or choices seen as disrespectful, from them or us, can you handle this coming from your own kids??

Ah, it is the role we play. The role they gave us, the role we persist upon and perhaps it is a generational role that just keeps getting handed down? Well, if you know me, and my husband will also tell you, my motto has been and will forever be, “I’ll do whatever the hell I want to do!”. And you know what, I encourage every single person around me to try that on or adopt it for themselves. Why? Why not? If I know why I am making the choice based upon the system of checks and balances that I have, for the reason I am, how can that be anything but good for me?

If we are not being authentic with ourselves, we are not being authentic with others. If we are playing a role for someone else, we are not serving in the best way, or to the best of our abilities. Might there be nuggets of gold in those roles? Sure, but we must determine how that makes up a part of us, not a just a “personality” trait assigned to us that we accept as fact. So, you can’t go back, but you can’t freely move forward until you examine the past roles you have played.

Are you willing to be uncomfortable and examine your roles? Are you willing to see what you kept as yours, when it was put upon you? Do you want to be free of similar patterns, feelings and occurrences in your life??? Then look back, sort it out, show grace and love to yourself, your parents, relatives or caregivers, forgive you, forgive them, because they knew not what they did, but now you know you have a choice. Oh, and a thought to ponder, do you know what guides your choices, and how your roles play a part of that? Like, if you ignore the past, how, or is that really serving you?

~Erin